As the new school year begins, many families have discussions about new rules, curfews, chores – and often – technology.  In my office I hear a lot of kids start conversations like:

“Mom, don’t you know that ALL 6th graders have a Facebook accounts!!”

or

“Dad, how am I going to know what is going on with my friends if I’m not on Facebook?!?”

As parents we are challenged to keep up with technology and its significance in our children’s lives.  And before we answer “NO WAY!” or “Sure” to our kids’ requests for a Facebook (or other social networking site) account, I think it is important that we think carefully and talk thoughtfully about the question at hand.

The On-Line Mom (one of my favorite sites for parents) recently wrote a blog article about the pros and cons of Facebook for kids.  They outlined some great points about the importance of technology in kids’ lives, as well as the dangers.  With their points in mind, and understanding that each family needs to make their own decisions about the role of social media, here are some guidelines to help determine if your child is ready to enter the world of social networking:

• Computer literacy. While most tweens and teens I know have far more knowledge about computers than I do – not all are tech savvy – and Facebook is not the place to learn.  Make sure your child knows their way around a computer and the internet before opening an account.
• Open communication. Parents should feel confident that their relationship with their child is on solid ground before an account is opened.  Why is a good relationship important? Because open, honest, and frequent communication between you and your child is critical during their use of Facebook.  Parents should be assured that their child will feel comfortable coming to them with problems or questions if they arise.
• No pressure. Most of us parents are guilty, at one time or another, of giving in to our child’s wishes to look cool, make up for a slight, or get them to like us better.  This might be ok in some situations (making their favorite cookies, taking them to yet another vampire movie) but it is definitely not OK in this situation.  As noted above, each family has to come to this decision on their own – coercion should not be a factor.
• Right vs. wrong. Before opening a Facebook account, children should be able to discuss with their parents appropriate (and destructive) on-line behavior.  Kids (and parents) should understand the impact of bullying, friending, and talking to strangers on-line.  Facebook and internet etiquette should be understood by everyone involved.
• Set guidelines. One of the last steps that parents and children should take before setting up a Facebook account, is to set up guidelines or rules for use.  Will there be set times for Facebook use?  Will mom or dad have to approve friends along with their child?  How often will parents monitor their child’s use?  What types of things are appropriate to include on a status update?  At what point will Facebook use be suspended?

Stay tuned for my upcoming post:  Am I Ready to Have a Child on Facebook?

I have admitted it before, and I will do it again – I am one of John Mayer’s 3.4 million followers on Twitter.  When he was at his tweeting heyday, I enjoyed reading his sometimes crude, often sarcastic, and occasionally outrageous tweets.  While he will still be entertaining us through his well-established blog on tumblr, I will miss seeing him on Twitter.

One of the things that made Mr. Mayer’s tweets so interesting was that they gave us a glimpse into his life – one that most of us could hardly dream about.  Dating superstars, hanging out with music legends – who wouldn’t be interested in hearing the back story of a life like that?

Whether it is following celebrities on Twitter, reading Us Weekly, or watching Entertainment Tonight (or doing all three!) being voyeurs into the lives of Hollywood’s hottest serves as a legitimate stress management strategy for some, and pure entertainment for many.  I know my Mondays would be much more dreary if I didn’t have my favorite celebrity magazine to look forward to in the mailbox!

For those not in the know, MTV aired their annual awards show last night, the VMA’s.  Since 1984 this celebration of music and music videos has been one of the highlights of the year for pop culture aficionados.

I have written in other blogs about the benefits of going without TV, and have also written about how to keep our kids safe from the sexualized images we see on TV daily.  But I also get a lot of joy and entertainment from watching popular culture play out around me.  And not only do I think pop culture (meaning TV, music, books, movies, and other media and fads) is fun, but I also think it is important to be aware of the goings-on of the “cool kids” of the world so that I can better relate to my own children, my clients, my neighbors, and friends.

For several generations, kids and young adults have, at least in part, defined themselves by the culture in which they surround themselves.  The popular songs, the hip dance styles, the cool clothes.  What I thought was cool as a teen (grunge) is definitely not cool now.  So I believe it is important, as an adult, to be aware of what is currently cool.  It doesn’t mean I have to like it, listen to it, or even participate in it – but it helps me understand what is important to the younger people in my life – and maybe (I can only hope) – helps me stay relevant in their eyes as well.

So even if you are well past your teens, don’t be ashamed of getting caught up in Bieber Fever, admiring Lady Gaga‘s meat dress, or counting down the days until the second season of Glee begins.  Who knows, if you become knowledgeable enough, your tween kids might even think you’re rad.

In my last post I talked about why losing is so important.  Today, I am offer some ideas about how to help your kids learn to lose.

• Play real games.  Candyland, tennis, Old Maid, Chutes and Ladders, basketball.  These are all games that have true winners and losers.  Include these games in your family time; along with activities where simply participating is the key (bike riding, painting, skateboarding, hiking, reading).
• Talk about the potential outcomes ahead of time.  For kids who aren’t accustomed to losing, it may be helpful to “prep” them on what to expect.  For example, “Angie, when we play Candyland one of us is going to win, and one is going to lose. “
• Be a good sport. Kids learn from their parents, even if it doesn’t always seem like it.  Monitor your own winning and losing behaviors.  Limit (or totally eliminate) your own bragging, complaining, and whining if this is what you expect from your kids.
• Let them pout. If losing is new to your kids, they may take it hard at first.  They may cry, pout, or act out.  After a few initial words of comfort (“You really gave some great effort” or “I know it didn’t end up how you wanted but I had a great time playing with you.”) give your kids space to feel the frustration of losing.

Losing is tough, but it is something we all need to learn to cope with as we make our way through the world.  Teaching your kids to lose (and win!) with grace and light-heartedness will serve them well as their games get more complex and competitive.

If you’re like me, you would sooner walk across hot coals that disappoint your kid’s teacher.  I know we can’t make everyone happy, but even that knowledge doesn’t keep me from trying to win over the hearts of my children’s teachers.  So how do people like us manage when we have made a HUGE blunder, a MONSTROUS faux pas, a GIGANTIC mistake…like…forget to bring snacks for the entire class on our assigned day?

• Take at least 5 deep breaths before doing something rash that you might later regret (for example, offer to pay off the building’s mortgage to cover up your shame).
• Realize that your forgetfulness will not likely affect your child’s longterm happiness or success in school.
• Accept the fact that you are not perfect and can’t possibly be expected to remember everything all the time – even if others expect it of you.
• Use the experience as an opportunity to talk to your family about taking age-appropriate responsibility for their own friends/school/activities/snacks/laundry/etc. Your kids might be able to handle more than you think.

So yet again I have set up a blog.  But I swear this time will be different. I am going to follow through this time; no making excuses, no coming up with “even better” ideas, no forgetting my password. I am committed and ready to write. I already have a bit of experience blogging for the American Psychological Association on their site, Your Mind. Your Body. – but to have the weight of an entire blog on my shoulders is new.

So what to do when you find yourself at the beginning of a new project, job, or situation with a goal in mind – but feel intimidated by the process?

Set up small, do-able goals. So for me I might make a goal of posting once a week, or twice a month.  Set up a series of small goals that have a good chance of actually happening.

Hold yourself accountable. To do this I am probably going to have to actually let people know about this blog and my goals for myself.  Hopefully with some other people encouraging you and keeping you true to your words, success will come more easily.

Don’t beat yourself up if you slip up.  There might be a week here or there that I can’t post.  Maybe I’m sick, my kids are sick, or I’m on vacation.  It’s important that we don’t get derailed by “failures,” but instead just keep on plugging away at achieving what we have set out to do.

So good luck with your goals, and I will do my best with mine! See you in the next post – which will definitely be happening.