How funny to be reviewing Lori Gottlieb’s book: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough the day after posting this article on avoiding affairs. I’m sure there is some deep-seated psychological meaning behind that. Instead of focusing on my psyche, however, I will turn my attention to Ms. Gottlieb’s book. Here goes:
I want to start by saying that I consider Ms. Gottlieb a colleague after working with her on this article in the New York Times about therapists and marketing. In addition to being a fine author and journalist, she is also a therapist herself. She recently told me that she particularly enjoys working with couples. Check out her site here.
As for the book, apparently it made a splash when it was released a couple of years ago. And it isn’t hard to tell why: the title is quite an attention grabber. Unfortunately, I’m not sure the title is consistent with the book, as it isn’t actually about “settling” – as in marrying someone you don’t like, find irritating, or aren’t attracted to. Instead, it’s a fun-to-read description on Ms. Gottlieb’s own journey in the dating world.
In the book, Ms. Gottlieb is candid about what it’s like to date in all ages and stages of life (with kids and without, never married and divorced, as a 20-something, and as a 40-something). As someone who married young, it was a real eye-opener for me to read about the realities of the dating pool past college. I particularly enjoyed the commentary made by some of the older women she interviewed. Reading their perspectives on what women experience, put up with, and expect now – versus when they were dating – is one of the highlights of the book.
I did find myself feeling frustrated by the entitled attitude of some of the younger women included in the book. These are women who expect perfection, devotion, loyalty, and passion from the men they are interested in – yet seem to have no appreciation for what they should, do, or can bring to the relationship. Fairness, equality and compromise don’t seem to be concepts these women understand. No wonder their relationships don’t ever seem to work out.
For added perspective, I had my mom read the book. Here are some of her comments:
In regards to having an attitude of entitlement in romantic partners:
I devoured the book even though I didn’t personally relate to it at all. I am always shocked at how entitled some people think they are – it must be a difficult way to live life because it seems it would be challenging to maintain friendships, jobs, and relationships when all you can focus on is “what’s in it for me”.
In regards to making a list of desirable qualities in a mate (something Ms. Gottlieb does in the beginning of the book):
I can’t imagine making a list of “wants” in a husband and actually sticking to it. It’s a good idea to list life goals, vacations you want to go on, clothes you need, etc. – putting those constraints on a human being is beyond my comprehension. Besides, when you meet a person as a potential husband – that person will likely be quite different after several years of marriage. The book was fascinating reading.
After finishing the book, I was left with a desire to make a list of my own. Not of the qualities I would want in a mate, but the qualities that might make me a good mate myself. I wonder which would be longer?
Thanks, Lori Gottlieb, for introducing me to your book! Click here to buy Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.