Willpower: Is It All It’s Cracked Up to Be?

The American Psychological Association (APA) released a report this week on the science of willpower.  It’s some interesting stuff.  Especially in light of the fact that most of us would say we need more willpower.  Whether it comes to eating right, exercising more, keeping a tighter reign on our finances, cleaning our homes more often, or watching less TV – most of us have at least one area in our lives where more self-control would be welcomed.

Here’s a taste of the press release issued by APA:

In 2011, 27 percent of Stress in America survey respondents reported that lack of willpower was the most significant barrier to change. Yet although many people blame faulty willpower for their imperfect choices, it’s clear they haven’t given up hope. A majority of respondents believe that willpower is something that can be learned. Those respondents are on to something. Recent research suggests some ways in which willpower can in fact be strengthened with practice. On the other hand, many survey participants reported that having more time for themselves would help them overcome their lack of willpower. Yet willpower doesn’t automatically grow when you have extra time on your hands. So how can individuals resist in the face of temptation? In recent years, scientists have made some compelling discoveries about the ways that willpower works. This report will explore our current understanding of self-control.

One of the most helpful things in the report are the tips offered offered for strengthening self control.  In particular, I like the “implementation intention” idea which basically means being prepared for situations that might be tough for you.  If you are pinching pennies, for example: “If I go to the mall and see a sweater I love, then I will take a night to think about it and make sure I really want/need the sweater before I spend my hard earned money on it.”  I love practicing our reactions and behaviors before the tough situations occur – it’s really effective.

 

 

TV: Love to Hate it, Or Hate to Love It?

I like pop culture.  It’s silly, often funny, and almost always a great way for me to escape reality for a while.  When I think of the positives of TV, movies, and other sorts of “screen activities,” I think of stress management (laughter) and the making of fun memories (sitting on the floor of the sold out theater watching Dirty Dancing and wishing I were Baby).  But of course, there are many negatives to screen time too, especially when kids (and adults) spend a large part of their days and nights forgoing other activities (exercise, social interaction) and instead sit glued to a screen.

I was recently interviewed for this article on the website About Kids Health.  The reporter, Jonathan Link, did an outstanding job of highlighting the pitfalls when kids and families spend too much time in front of a screen.  I provided some tips about how to cut back on TV and other screen time, and talked a bit about my own experiences during Screen Free Week a couple of years ago.  Read the complete article here.

The Power of a Single Moment

Image by Pabo76 via Flickr

Did you see Glee this week?  It was the much-anticipated Michael Jackson episode – and it was pretty darn good! The part of the show I’m focusing on is not MJ, however, but a conversation that took place between Kurt and his dad Bert.  Bert is one of my favorite characters because his advice and relationship with his gay son is never what one would expect given his tough, mechanic exterior.  During this episode he brought Kurt the good news that he had been short-listed for admission into his college of choice.  Bert said to his son something like:  “This will be one of the moments that changes the course of your life and you will remember it forever.”

It got me thinking about the power of single moments in life.  Can one moment, one action, one exchange, one event really change the course of our lives?  You bet.  And the cool thing is that these moments often aren’t what we think they might be.  Sure getting married, or divorced, or having a baby, experiencing a death are all life-changing events – but so are “smaller,” seemingly less significant events.

In the spirit of Glee, a single moment that changed my life was when I discovered that I had made it into my high school’s show choir.  Even now, many years later, I see this as a pivotal moment in my life.  It shaped my high school experience, provided me with friends I count among my closest to this day, and – perhaps most importantly – gave me the confidence to do lots of other things in life.

The other cool thing about single moments that change our lives is that they are fun to look back on and reminisce about. It can even be entertaining to play the “what-if” game (i.e., what if I never would have made the choir and gone out for volleyball instead?).

What are some of moments that have changed the course of your life?

Talking with Kids About Trauma

Kids are surrounded by traumatic situations – heck, we all are.  It’s tough to watch the nightly news without hearing about some horrendous murder, or a terrible house fire, or a car accident.  So how do you talk to your kids about these things?  What about when the accident/tragedy/loss hits closer to home? I posted some tips on how to talk to kids about trauma over at Your Mind. Your Body. this week – take a look.

Photo by: mikemcilveen

This Baby is Boring!

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Before you start reading this post, I want to make a suggestion: If you are a “baby person” (i.e., you “just can’t get enough of babies,” “could’ve had 10 babies,” “never tire of babies,” then this post is not for you.  In fact, you might want to go ahead and navigate away from this page now…

For the rest of you, this post might be for you.  Sure it’s not a very popular/PC/cool thing to say, but the fact of the matter is, babies are boring, yep B-O-R-I-N-G.  I’ve felt it myself, and I’ve heard others admit it too.  It can be tough to stay excited and engaged around a baby (especially if you are with them for hours on end).  Yea, they’re cute and cuddly, and they are surely a lot of work, but they’re not very stimulating and typically prefer doing lots of nothing – which means you as the caregiver do lots of nothing, too.

So, does it make you a bad parent if you:

1. Think your baby is boring

2. Check the clock every 2 minutes to see how much more time you have to be with your baby alone

3. Wish their infant stage away so that you can just play catch already?

NO! NO! NO! Definitely not!

 

And, does it make you a bad parent if you:

1. Don’t like making baby talk

2. Don’t know how to play with a 3 month old

NO! NO! NO! Definitely not!

Luckily, babies are super forgiving and can be entertained in lots of ways…and they don’t all involve Baby Einstein videos and rattles.  It’s important to talk to our babies and we all know reading to them from a young age is what we are supposed to do.  But no one ever said what the reading material had to be.  So why can’t it be things like US Weekly, The Shabby Chic Home, or Sports Illustrated (just random examples, of course)?  And my idea of quality baby time definitely includes walking the stroller down the street or through the mall so that mom (or dad) can get some exercise.

So, if you’re bored by your baby, know that you’re not alone.  They ARE boring.  But they’re wonderful, too.  And as anyone who has had a baby can tell you, they do grow up and get more interesting and intellectually stimulating – you might even yearn for those baby days when you had nothing but time.  Or maybe not – and that’s OK too.

 

How Do I Know If I Am Stressed?

The American Psychological Association released their annual Stress in America survey today.  Results suggest that we Americans are way too stressed out and that stress is having serious negative consequences.  Chronic, long term stress can affect every system of our bodies: digestive, cardiac, musculoskeletal, and of course brain health can be seriously jeopardized when we are subjected to stress over the long term.  To read more about APA’s Stress in America survey, including how your city rates in terms of stress, click here.

We all know stress is bad, but how do you know if your stress level is too high?  What are the signs and symptoms of stress?  Well, we all experience it differently, and some of the signs of excessive stress may surprise you.  Here are a few to watch out for:

Difficulty concentrating (i.e., trouble focusing on your favorite TV show or book due to worries and stressful thoughts)

Excessive worry (i.e., going overboard in the amount of time you spend worrying about things, assuming the worst about things)

Overeating/undereating (i.e., eating when you’re not hungry, or losing interest in food)

Trouble with sleep (i.e., sleeping too much OR too little)

Trouble managing anger (i.e., losing your cool more quickly than normal)

Irritability (i.e., snapping at your kids or partner more than usual)

Inability to enjoy things you used to (i.e., too stressed out to enjoy weekly manicure)

Isolation (i.e., stop returning friends’ phone calls because you’re “too stressed” or “too busy” to talk)

Other signs of stress can include: difficulty doing just one thing at a time, trouble staying “in the moment,” and an increase of physical ailments (headaches, stomachaches, etc).

 

Role Models for 2012

Good role models are hard to come by.  TV news, print media, and the internet are filled with stories of people making bad decisions, acting selfishly, and treating others poorly.  It can get downright depressing watching all this bad behavior.  It makes me wonder who my kids might look up to as they grow up.  Are there any “good” people out there anymore?

The answer is yes.  There are plenty.  In fact, there are probably many more kind, giving people in the world than there are nasty ones – we just don’t hear about them much.  So I’ve tried to come up with several of my favorite make-me-happy, positive-role-model type folks.  Here are a few:

Ron Weasley.  Ok, so he’s not a “real” person – but a good role model nonetheless.  Sure, his BFF Harry Potter was the easy pick, but Ron’s the one I really like.  He’s less popular than Harry, not as smart, rich, or athletic, but he is a true and constant friend.  He has a sort of stick-to-it-iveness that I admire, and he isn’t above admitting his mistakes.  On top of all that, he gets the girl in the end.

The Cast of Glee.  All my regular readers know that I am a HUGE gleek.  One of the reasons I like the show is its unabashed enthusiasm and happiness.  Could a show choir really be a show choir without those qualities?  Probably not – with all those jazz hands and everything.  Glee has the added benefit of promoting acceptance of differing cultural backgrounds, sexual preference, and physical and cognitive ability.  Keep it up, Glee!

Tim Tebow.  Colorado has pretty much gone crazy for Tim Tebow.  I have to admit that I am on the bandwagon, too.  Now, I don’t know enough about football to be able to analyze Tebow’s quarterbacking skills, but what I do know is that my mother (never previously a football fan), and 2 young daughters (who still have trouble telling football and basketball apart) all have Tebow Fever.  Why?  Because of his positive energy and his refusal to say or do the negative things his colleagues often do.  He’s grateful, humble, a super hard worker, and I once heard him say “golly” in an interview.  Now that’s someone to look up to.

Photo: timtebow.com

Lady Gaga/Taylor Swift.  These two singers are likely not friends, but they embody several things that are important to me in female role models: They are smart, mature, and successful – and they don’t make excuses about it.  If you’ve never seen interviews with Ms. Gaga or Ms. Swift, I highly suggest watching one on YouTube.  While both are in their twenties, they are poised and well-spoken and know exactly what they are doing with their careers.  In addition they are supremely grateful to their fans, and stick up for the underdogs among us.  Sing on, ladies!

Who am I missing? Who are your favorite role models?

 

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother – a Review

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You probably heard about this book when it came out last year and made a big splash.  People all over the country were talking about it and ripping the author, Amy Chua, to shreds.  I’d been meaning to read the book, and finally did yesterday (yes, all in one day) after being reminded of it on the Today Show earlier this week.

Here’s the deal: I LOVED the book!  It is a witty, funny, and enlightening read.  I highly recommend it.  As Ms. Chua noted on the Today Show (sorry I couldn’t find the clip), most of the people who criticized her parenting style and book, probably hadn’t read it.  The criticisms were mostly that her “Chinese style of mothering” was too harsh and dictatorial.  Ms. Chua freely admits that she has extremely high expectations of her two daughters and reprimands them, berates them, and puts them down when they don’t meet her expectations.  She notes, however, that this is out of love, a strong desire to see them succeed, a belief that they have the ability to excel in all areas, and an expectation that when they leave her home for the “real world” they will thrive on their own.

I’m not sure I would call this autobiography/memoir a parenting book, in that it doesn’t include step-by-step instructions on how to raise children in the “Chinese” method.  But that’s OK with me, because as I have written before, I am no fan of parenting books in general.  Here’s why I prefer Ms. Chua’s book to some of the other, perhaps more popular, parenting books on the shelves:

She’s humble and admits mistakes.  Being a parent means failing – a lot.  We say the wrong things to our kids, our partners, and other parents all the time.  However, very few parenting books recognize this.  Ms. Chua is quite forthcoming in her failures and resulting guilt.  It’s refreshing to hear someone be so honest.

One size doesn’t fit all.  One of the main points of the book is that the parenting style that works for her older daughter doesn’t work for the younger one, no matter how much she tried.  Yet another point that is missing in many parenting books.  Kids are different for pete’s sake.  Of course a discipline/motivation technique that worked with one kid might not work with the next.

Kids might be stronger than we give them credit for.  Ms. Chua asserts that “Western” parents sometimes assume that kids are fragile and their egos will be wounded if not given constant praise, even if that praise isn’t really earned.  She notes that “Chinese” parents assume their kids are strong, competent, and can withstand criticism of all kinds – in fact it will likely make them stronger.  I think this is an interesting idea.  Is it true that some of us with “Western” parenting styles coddle our kids too much?

Regardless of whether you agree with Ms. Chua’s tough, take-no-prisoners parenting style this book is a worthwhile read.  Not only is it super entertaining, it will also broaden your idea of what it means to be a parent in different cultures.  There are lots of ways to raise happy, healthy, and successful kids – and her way might just be one you want to consider.

Update: Amy Chua was kind enough to forward me a more recent piece of her’s which appeared in the Wall Street Journal in December 2011.  Take a look at how Tiger parenting works for the college kid (it sounds like a breeze!).  Thanks, Ms. Chua for forwarding this along!

New dads and depression

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We hear about postpartum depression in moms all the time.  We hear about it on the nightly news when things go really bad, we read about it in Us Weekly when a celebrity talks about her post-baby experiences, and good ob/gyns and pediatricians screen for it in new moms.  But where do the dads fit in?  Do they ever suffer from depression after their new little one arrives? You bet.

While the cause of new dad depression can’t be blamed on hormone swings and post-delivery discomfort, it still exists.   Just as moms struggle to get used to the challenges a baby brings, so do dads.  Over the years I have heard many concerns of new dads.  Some the same and some different from the concerns of new moms.  Some of the most common include:

  • How am I going to financially support my growing family?
  • How can I connect with my baby when he is being breastfed by his mom?  Where is my place with a newborn?
  • I find my baby boring, I thought being a dad would be more fun.
  • I miss my wife, she is so pre-occupied with the baby she doesn’t have time for me.
  • I don’t want to make the same parenting mistakes my dad and mom made.
  • I miss my freedom.  Will I ever get it back?
  • I am freaking exhausted!

So what can families do to help support new dads struggling with mood changes? Perhaps the most important thing is to find someone to talk to.  Another family member or friend who has been through the newborn baby stage might be a good bet.  If that doesn’t work, a few visits to a mental health professional may be helpful.   Pediatricians and primary care providers can often provide good referrals.

Just as with new moms, time away from dad and husband duties can be rejuvenating.  Reinstating “boys night out” or nightly weightlifting sessions can be good for the mind and body.  Talking openly with the baby’s mom about struggles and concerns is also advisable.  And as with postpartum depression in moms, dads with depression should be monitored for significant changes in mood or anxiety levels so that appropriate treatment can be undertaken.

New Baby and Post Partum Depression

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I’m still here! Though it’s been a while since I have posted (2 weeks I think?) I am still around – just with an extra family member to care for. I’m happy to announce the birth of my beautiful son! Crazy! I never thought I would have a boy as we’ve only had girls in the family for as long as anyone can remember. I am so excited to learn all about boys and the challenges that come along with parenting them! (hints and tips welcome!)

As I get to know my new baby, deal with a post-pregnancy body, and continue to care for my other two children, I have been thinking a lot about moms who are affected by postpartum depression.  It’s such a serious and prevalent disorder, and one that can be hard to treat – often because moms don’t let providers, loved ones, or other support systems know they are struggling.  Some moms might feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit that welcoming a new baby is anything less than a wonderful experience.  But it can be hard – super hard – what with the crazy hormones, change in family dynamics, lack of sleep, pain from childbirth, trouble with feeding, etc.

I found this helpful article from the Mayo Clinic about postpartum depression – including warning signs and when to seek help:

Postpartum Depression: Signs & Treatment