Learning to Apologize

There are lots of reasons to apologize.  Mean words have been said, thoughtless actions have been taken, no action has been taken at all, the list could go on and on.  We’ve had an especially active week of apologizing at my house.  Perhaps it’s the lack of routine and structure that goes along with the holiday week, or maybe it’s just all the junk food that has been consumed.  Whatever the reason, we’ve had lots of practice apologizing this week.

So, how do we teach our kids to apologize.  What’s more, how do we work on the skill as adults?  It’s certainly something we all need to do from time to time.

Make it quick.  For apologies to be meaningful, they need to happen pretty quickly.  Not necessarily right away, as it’s good to think about what you want to say in your apology and actually feel genuine about it, but within a day or two for sure.

Make it brief.  There’s generally no need to go on and on with our apologies.  Short and sweet can be the most effective.  “I’m sorry.  I was wrong” can be very effective. Luckily short apologies tend to be easier to offer, too, especially for little ones.

Write it down.  One of my favorite ways to get kids to apologize and really focus on the meaning behind the apology is to write a letter.   If your family is extra creative, you can even include a hand drawn picture.  The other good thing about an apology letter is that it can be saved and used at a later time, as in: “Remember when you had to write this letter apologizing for having a bad attitude?  Do you really want to have to do that again?”

Say it often.  I have written many times about the importance of apologizing as a parent.  Giving our kids the opportunity to watch us apologize (to our partner, our neighbors, our friends, our children) demonstrates to them how to make a good apology happen.  I think it’s also true that the more we say “I’m sorry” the easier it becomes.

 

New Tips for Tantruming Toddlers

Image by origamidon

Have you heard about the new research out of Yale University suggesting that how many of us respond to our toddlers’ temper tantrums is all wrong?  If you haven’t read about Dr. Alan Kazdin and others’ research, check it out here.  Among other things, Dr. Kazdin encourages parents to pay attention to what’s happening before the tantrum (i.e., the child is hungry or tired) and do what you can to fix that situation before a meltdown occurs.  He also suggests we totally ignore the tantrum, but be effusive with our praise when our child behaves how we want them to (i.e., “Jill, I am so pleased that when I asked you to sit down at the table you did it right away. Nice job.”).

Dr. Michelle Borba (one of my favorite parenting experts) posted an article on her blog today chock full of tips for parents of toddlers.  Check it out here.  I don’t want to re-invent the wheel, and don’t feel I have a whole lot to add about how to deal with kids who are losing it.  I do, however, have some thoughts about how parents can manage their own emotions when their child is about to explode.

Your child doesn’t hate you.  While it may seem that your 3 year old loathes you and everything you stand for, it is extremely unlikely that that’s actually the case.  Tantrums don’t equal hate, they just equal a frustrated toddler with few communication skills trying to exert their independence.  It’s not personal.

You’re not a bad parent.  Tantrums are a good thing.  Seriously.  It means your child is developing normally and starting to exert her will in the world.  None of us want to raise a pushover, right?  While there are times when temper tantrums may signal a more serious problem, and there are certainly better ways for dealing with them than others, the fact that they exist doesn’t mean you’ve failed at parenting.

The tantrums will end.  Barring serious injury or disability, your child will stop having toddler-like tantrums, I promise.  While tweens and teens have super frustrating behaviors of their own (eye-rolling, anyone?) flailing on the floor and crying is rarely one of them.  Hang in there and it will improve.

Happy Parenting!

 

 

Responding to Kids’ Tough Questions

Image by: AphasiaFilms

As my children grow older, I notice that I am increasingly at a loss for words. Questions like “How did that baby get in your belly?” and “Why don’t you have a nose ring?” have me stymied. I want to be honest with my kids, but age appropriate too. In addition, I want them to learn tolerance and that different people believe and like different things and that’s OK. Put all these desires together, and it can be hard to answer the tough questions – especially on a moment’s notice.

So, how to respond in these moments without sounding preachy or like a total moron?  Here are some of my favorite parental comebacks. I have memorized these statements, and find them quite useful when no other words seem to suffice:

Wow, you worked really hard on that. This statement can be used when responding to an art project, a report on vampires, or a homemade birthday card gone awry. We don’t always need to praise our children for their work (i.e., “That is the most beautiful spider/pumpkin/race car I have ever seen.”) but it is important to acknowledge their effort – even when the outcome is questionable.

Why do you ask? This is a great comeback to all manner of questions related to sex, drugs, drinking, and other tough subjects. For example: “Mom, did you ever use drugs when you were younger?” Instead of panicking, then launching into an explanation as to why you did or didn’t, and how that relates to your children – try “Why do you ask?” instead. Not only will it buy you some time, it will also get to the heart of the issue (i.e., someone offered your child drugs, they saw a movie about drugs at school, etc).

That’s something! I am told I say this a lot.  I think I say it when I want to say something negative or punishing, but know that might not be in my, or the recipient’s, best interest. Here’s a – totally random of course – example. Young child writes “I LOVE YOU MOM” on their dining room chair – in permanent marker.

Work it out.  I say this one a lot, too. To my own kids, to neighborhood kids, to school friends. I find that it is generally not helpful to interfere in kids’ arguments. Not only is it good for them to learn to work things out on their own, they also have shorter memories and fewer hurt feelings than grown ups. Something that a 6 year old gets over in 2 minutes, might take me 2 years.

Do you have any favorite comebacks to the kids in your life?

Helping Families Learn from Penn State

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As I sat glued to Sports Center last night listening to the news about Penn State, Joe Paterno, and the rioting student body I was horrified.  I know folks around the country share in my revulsion, disappointment, and grief over the events of the past week (and 15 years).  And it’s pretty clear the details of the abuse of young boys and the fallout for all involved are just beginning.

I am a firm believer that all things DON’T happen for a reason.  What reason could there possibly be for mass sexual assault on children?  However, I do believe that we can learn from most, if not all, experiences – even horrendous ones.  There’s a lot we can learn from the mess at Penn State, including:

It’s all of our jobs to protect the children in our midst.  It’s not enough to tell a supervisor or a colleague or a buddy when abuse is suspected.  Contacting the police or social services is essential – even if it feels awkward, or weird, or like a betrayal.

Stereotypes aren’t always accurate.  We all have stereotypes of what a child molester looks like, what a “pervert” looks like, and what a man sexually attracted to boys looks like.  The Penn State coach accused of abusing 8+ boys most likely didn’t fit any of our stereotypes.  Sometimes child abusers (and rapists, and murderers, and arsonists) look creepy and suspicious – sometimes they look just like us.

Parents have to talk to their children about abuse of all kinds.  I’m not sure a child is ever too young to begin talking about personal safety.  While conversations should be age-appropriate, the best way to get kids to understand the importance keeping safe and telling someone if they’re not, is talking about it early and often.  With the Penn State situation in the news, now is a perfect time to sit your kids down and talk about what abuse is, and what to do if they feel unsafe (tell you, a teacher, a principal, etc).

For more ideas about how to talk to kids about sexual abuse, click here here and here:

 

 

Teen Sex and Glee

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Oh boy.  Last night’s Glee was a good one, and chock full of great potential blog topics: love triangles forming, childhood dreams dashed, and underage

Image: Glee on Fox

drinking.  For those who devoured watched last night’s episode though, it’s obvious that the most important topic was teen sex.  Rachel and Finn (Finchel) and Kurt and Blaine (Klaine) both “did it” for the first time in the episode – storylines that are burning up the blogosphere at this very moment (read some of the buzz here here and here).

Here’s my two cents:  In the best of all possible worlds, teenagers wouldn’t be thinking about such weighty topics as sexual relationships, pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and sexual orientation.  Instead they would be busy singing and dancing, running and playing, reading and writing.  But, we don’t live in a fantasy world: we live here.  And where I live, teens have sex on the brain.  Almost all the time.  And guess what?  It’s been that way for a long time – generations in fact.  To deny this is dangerous and narrow-minded, and can lead to some scary consequences for teens and parents (unwanted pregnancies, life-threatning diseases, sexual abuse, and more).

So while I would have liked to see at least one of the couples decide to wait to have sex (in the interest of showing both sides of the argument), I think the folks over at Glee did a nice job portraying Finchel and Klaine’s first times.  Safe sex was discussed, the pros and cons of sexual intimacy were presented, and no hot-and-heavy scenes were shown.  Moving forward, I hope the writers include the heartbreak and regret that can – and often does – accompany a teen’s first sexual experience.  In the interest of showing teen sexuality as it really exists, I think this is essential.  Perhaps Rachel might begin to regret the event, Blaine might become jealous of Kurt’s other friends, Finn might realize that sex with Rachel isn’t all that much fun, or someone posts details of the event on Facebook.  I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what’s in store in the episodes to come.

In the meantime, here are some ideas for talking to the teens in your life about sex:

Mayo Clinic

Dr. Laura Berman

Psychology Today

Glee, Twilight, Harry Potter and Stress Management

This week I have been talking about the chronic economic stress many of us have been under for the past 3+ years. Yesterday I wrote about the importance of taking action – actually doing something – as an essential part of maintaining mental health through tough times.  Today, I have another tip: maintain a rich fantasy life.  This may seem a little silly on the surface, but as you look around you will notice that many of us are already doing it.  Ever wonder why this story took the world by storm:

Image: Warner Bros Pictures

What about this one?

Image: Stephenie Meyer

It’s not just that J.K. Rowling is a brilliant storyteller, or that Edward Cullen is super-dreamy, it’s also that escaping our individual realities – whatever they may be – is a great way to manage stress.  And thanks to the internet, many of us have almost constant, immediate access to whichever fantasies make us forget the woes of the day.

Now, I’m not suggesting we should duck our responsibilities and spend our days obsessing over the new Twilight movie:

or memorizing the moves of a certain Glee star:

But what I am suggesting is that a little escapism can be good for the mind and body – particularly when the stressors in life become hard to bear.

So whether it’s:

or

Image: Magic the Gathering

Let your imagination run wild and know that it’s time well spent.

Managing Chronic Economic Stress

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In yesterday’s post, I talked about the difference between acute and chronic economic stress.  I concluded that most of us are squarely in the “chronic stress” category when it comes to our financial lives.

One of the things that I mentioned were the dangers of feeling hopeless and helpless in terms of doing anything to change one’s circumstances.  It makes sense then, that Tip #1 for managing chronic economic stress is to DO SOMETHING.  Or at the very least, hitch yourself to someone else who is doing something.  Working on a political campaign you believe in, volunteering for an organization helping people even more hard hit than you, taking a class on managing personal finance – doing something always feels better than doing nothing. Not only that, it can help you maintain your mental health by warding off those hopeless/helpless feelings.

Need a jumpstart?  Check out Starbucks’ new initiative (which starts today, how perfect is that?):

Starbucks is donating five million dollars to seed a fund at the Opportunity Finance Network, which in turn will provide capital grants to select Community Development Financial Institutions (CDFIs). The CDFIs will provide loans to underserved community businesses, including: small business loans, community center financing, housing project financing and microfinance.

 

Stay tuned for more tips as the week goes on.

Chronic Economic Stress

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Several years ago when the economy went downhill (yes, an understatement, I know) psychologists like me were getting lots of questions about how to cope with the stress.  I was interviewed by the Wall Street Journal, National Public Radio, and the Philadelphia Inquirer – and every reporter had the same basic question: “How do we cope with financial strain and keep our mental health at the same time?”  Some of the tips I often gave were things like:

  • Turn off the TV/radio/computer so as not to be bombarded by the bad news
  • Take action by making small changes in your financial life
  • Don’t forget to keep up the healthy stress management strategies you already have in place (i.e., walking, talking with friends, going to church)

But here we are 3+ years down the road and things don’t seem to have gotten much better.  Sure the market may be up and interest rates may be down, but I still hear stories of layoffs, prolonged unemployment, and perpetual under-employment.  I’m not sure what the exact definition of “chronic” is when it comes to stress, but I am certain we are there.  The financial stressors we are facing have gone from acute to chronic – the difference may seem like semantics, but really it’s a whole different ballgame.

What makes chronic stress different than acute stress, particularly in regards to our economic lives?

Emotional health.  Most of us have the emotional and psychological resources to cope with stress on a short term basis (meaning several weeks to several months).  Prior to the onset of the acute stressor we were probably healthy, rested, and had at least one or two good coping strategies in place.  However, after an extended period of time (3 years, for example)  the chronic exposure to stress starts to take its toll on our emotional health.  What was once a few nights of poor sleep has become insomnia.  We’ve stopped engaging in healthy coping strategies (reading, praying, yoga) and taken on “easier,” less healthy habits (drinking too much, eating too little, watching more pornography).   Psychological health is a high maintenance thing – when we don’t care for it, it can deteriorate pretty quickly.  Increased anxiety, worsening mood, irritability – these can all be signs that our mental health is being negatively affected by chronic stress.

Physical health.  Did you know that chronic stress affects every system of the body?  Stomachaches, headaches, muscular pain, cardiovascular disease – chronic stress can play a part in all of these conditions.  Still not convinced?  Take a look at the American Psychological Association’s super cool mind/body health interactive tool and see for yourself just how destructive chronic stress can be.

Hopelessness/helplessness.  Researchers know that one of the most psychologically-damaging emotional states is when one feels hopeless and/or helpless about their situation in life.  It is no good when we feel as if we have no agency – or say – in our lives.  Unfortunately, that is exactly the feeling that this “financial downturn” has produced in many of us.  It’s not infrequent for me to hear people saying things like: “But I saved, and went to school, and spent money responsibly – how can it be that I am still broke and unemployed when I did all the right things?” or “It doesn’t seem to matter what I do or try, I can’t catch a break financially.”  I think it’s pretty obvious to see how this sort of thinking can be a precursor to depression.

A little bit of stress is OK, 3+ years of daily worry about money and employment can take its toll.  Check in tomorrow for some tips of how to manage chronic financial stress.

Pre-Holiday Blues

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Image by Poco de Mucho

Some of us love and look forward to the holiday season.  Others of us dread it.  But did you know that the holiday blues can start as early as September and October?  I see it all the time in my office: the leaves start to fly and moods go down.  As the holidays are still a ways off, it can take some detective work to realize that the low mood (or increased anxiety, tearfulness, or worry) is due to the change of season and impending holidays.

Folks dread the holidays for lots of reasons: past (and/or current) family drama, financial problems, marital strain, grief, absence of family and friends, spiritual ambiguity.  There are many reasons for the holiday blues – and it seems that more and more people experience them each year.  So, what to do if your autumn is being gobbled up by the dread of the upcoming months?

Live in the moment.  When you notice yourself thinking and worrying about November and December, take a few deep breaths and focus on the present.  I know, this is much easier said than done, but it is still worth a try.  If it means avoiding Costco and the mall with all their holiday decorations, so be it.

Throw a wrench in the works.  Do you hate going to your in-laws every year for Thanksgiving?  Now’s the time to discuss alternative plans for the holiday with your partner.  Who says you can’t go camping over the holiday and celebrate with franks, beans, and s’mores?  Overwhelmed at the thought of spending too much money for Christmas presents?  Now’s the time to talk to your family about foregoing presents for the year, exchanging only small items, or doing one secret Santa gift instead of buying for everyone.

Find a new meaning.  Some folks find great meaning in the pilgrims’ stories in New England and the birth of Jesus.  Others not so much.  If the traditional stories don’t resonate with you, try figuring out something that does – outrageous overeating, mass consumption, the need for Martha Stewart-like perfection, and adding to your credit card debt don’t count.  Is this a good time of year to volunteer at your kids’ school?  A local shelter?  Donate blood?  Is it a time to focus on family and friends?  Time to learn a new skill or try something new?  Whatever it is, make it mean something.

Need some other ideas for warding off the holiday blues?  Check out my post: Sex, Costumes, and Rock Band: The Ingredients for a Stress-Free Holiday over at APA’s Your Mind. Your Body.

 

Number 1 Parenting Technique of All Time…

Photo by: Nina Turns 40

These last few days I have been thinking about parenting strategies.  It’s something I think a lot about in my own life, talk a lot about with my clients, and am asked a lot about by reporters.  I have written before about my thoughts on parenting books – namely they can be overwhelming and confusing if not used properly.  Not to say that parenting education and exposure to different techniques isn’t important – it certainly is!  Sometimes it’s just too much for my brain to comprehend and implement at home.  Maybe no other parents feel that way, but for the moment I am just going to assume that I am not alone.

So today I am going to add my (hopefully) simple, #1 strategy for raising healthy families:  be a genuine, honest, and present parent.  This is what I mean:

Apologize to your child when it’s appropriate. “Julie, I’m sorry I was short with you this morning. I didn’t sleep well and was kind of grumpy. It’s no reason to treat you poorly, though, so I apologize.”  Why is this important?  It teaches our kids to be humble and apologize themselves.

Pay attention when your kids are around.  None of us can be tuned into our kids at every moment.  We have to work, take care of our other kids, do the laundry, and feed the family too.  But when you are able, really focus on them.  Put the Blackberry down, turn off the TV, drive with the radio off – whatever you ha

Talk about your own emotions.  I am not a fan of being our kids’ best friends, and don’t recommend using your child as a support system or counselor.  However, it can be useful to be honest with your kids (in a developmentally appropriate way) about your own mental health.  Here’s an example of something I said recently to my 7 year old.  “You know what, I am feeling pretty overwhelmed by all of the things I am having to clean up around the house.  I have noticed that many of the items I pick up are yours.  Can you help me come up with a solution to these feelings I am having?”  Why is this important?  It’s crucial that we model communicating about our emotions to kids.  It’s also a good idea to show them that it’s OK to ask for help solving tough problems.  Wouldn’t it be great if the above conversation led my daughter to eventually say something like: “Mom, I’m feeling overwhelmed at school because all the kids are talking about drinking beer and I don’t want to.  Can you help me come up with a solution?”  That would be parenting gold.

So, for this week at least, that’s my #1 parenting technique.  It may be something different next week, but being a more genuine, honest, and present parent is probably something we can all work on.