Tag: erie psychologist

A Guy’s Perspective on Fifty Shades of Grey

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OK, yes, I saw the movie. And read the book. All of them.  And yes, the 50 Shades of Grey series is:

  • a guilty pleasure
  • potentially harmful to women’s self esteem, sense of power, and psycho-sexual health
  • not fine literature or cinema
  • not a great representation of the BDSM lifestyle

But that’s not what I am going to write about today.  Instead, I am going to summarize the conversation I had after seeing the film.  I was so glad I went with a man because he gave me a completely different perspective on the story line.

The first part of the conversation centered around the fact that the Fifty Shades story has been told (and will continue to be told) a zillion times.  Pure, sweet, young girl meets wordly, wealthy, and super-hot guy.  He woos her, they fall in love, have a couple problems, then live happily ever after in a big house with a bunch of kids.  Interestingly , my male companion had no idea that pretty much all romance novels have this same story line (think: Twilight, Nora Roberts, etc).  “I guess this is a fantasy for most women” I said.  “What is the male version of this fantasy?” I asked.  After some thoughtful consideration he guessed, “big boobs?” Hmmm.

After that insightful comment about the male psyche, he offered a few of his own observations about the Fifty Shades movie:

  • How, at 27 years old, has Christian Grey had enough time to create a multi-billion dollar company?
  • How does he have time for all these sexual shenanigans and stay at the helm of his empire?
  • How would he have time to work all day, have dinner with a friend until at least 9pm, fly from Seattle to Georgia, make reservations to take a glider tour, rent a car just like his ride at home, and arrive fresh as a daisy to romance Ana early the next day?
  • Why is Ana still using a flip phone?

All kidding aside, these observations really made me think about women’s expectations of the men in our lives.  Just as it isn’t so healthy to expect all women to have big boobs, no wrinkles, and long blond hair – it also isn’t so great to expect men to be wealthy, endlessly romantic, and apparently have no need for sleep.  Perhaps we need to be a little more fair when considering stereotypes of sexiness.  And just as women can be damaged by unhealthy, unattainable expectations – so can men.

How To Win A Man’s Heart

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I was recently interviewed by the site How To Win A Man’s Heart.  It was a pretty extensive interview, here’s a glimpse:

HTWAMH: A number of our women subscribers find difficulty in attracting the right man especially women in their 40s and above. The common complaint we hear from women is that men in their age group seem to be more interested in younger women and the men that seem to be interested in them aren’t interesting to these women. What advice do you have for women who are frustrated with their dating experience and have become skeptical of finding Mr. Right?

Dr.S: I can understand women becoming frustrated and even angry and sad when it feels like their dating life isn’t what they wish it were – particularly if they feel as if they are competing against younger women for an increasingly smaller pool of interesting and eligible men. What might be important to keep in mind, however, is what older women lack in some areas, they more than make up for in maturity, life experience, professional and personal accomplishment – among many other things. Focusing on all the things you bring to the dating table – and maybe even improve them – can be one strategy for managing the frustrations of not finding Mr. Right.

To read more, check out the entire interview here. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Why Should I Care About Diversity in Media?

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Does it matter what you watch on TV?

Does it matter if your kids have role models in media?

Does watching movies with diverse casts, with diverse groups of directors, with diverse messages make a difference?

Yes, yes and yes.

Even for those of us who aren’t huge movie buffs, or TV fanatics – we are all influenced by media in one way or another.  Maybe it’s traditional print media, billboards, YouTube, Netflix – whatever – it’s hard to escape media’s influence.  And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.  What IS bad is when the media you are consuming isn’t reflective of who you really are.  Instead it’s full of stereotypes or unhealthy (physically and psychologically) portrayals of people you identify with.  Here are a few examples:

  • TV and print commercials focusing solely on female’s looks (or cleaning abilities) as a way to identify them
  • TV sitcoms portraying a large proportion of men as lazy, selfish, and intellectually inferior to their wives
  • Movies including women in only supporting roles to more powerful men
  • TV, movies and print media encouraging cultural/racial/ethnic stereotypes by type-casting actors

The list could go on and on.

Why should you care?  Because media matters.  And when we see stereotypes reinforced over and over again, they become more ingrained in all of our brains  – even if we don’t want them to! And in our increasingly diverse world, it’s important for us to get past stereotypes and see each other (and ourselves) for the unique individuals we are.  Nobody’s mental health is improved by narrowly defining ourselves and others.  Understanding and accepting diversity (again, in ourselves and others) is a key piece of overall psychological health.

So, now what?

I am excited to announce that I have joined with Public Radio International (PRI) and SheKnows Media in their partnership to shed light on global news stories highlighting women.  Follow along and be a part of the news coverage that will change the lives of women.  You can also follow the stories #womenslives

Want to know more about diversity, psychology and why any of it matters?  Check out this FANTASTIC video made by psychologist Dr. Ali Mattu:

 

Stress, Age and Money: Younger Americans Most Stressed About Finances

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The American Psychological Association’s annual Stress in America survey was released today.

The good news: Overall, Americans report experiencing less stress

The bad news: Younger Americans and parents tend to report more stress – particularly about money – than other Americans

Now, this is no great surprise.  Young adulthood is a super-expensive time in life.  First cars, first homes, student loans, babies: all these things combined with relatively low, early-career salaries combine to make money tight in a lot of young households.  What is surprising is that the APA survey found that younger, stressed out Americans tend to manage their stress in unhealthy ways when compared to other groups.  This might mean drinking too much alcohol or engaging in sedentary activities for too much time (surfing the internet or watching TV).

The real bummer is that we know chronic, high levels of stress are no good for our health in the long term.  In fact, high levels of stress can lead to depression, cardiovascular disease, and all sorts of other things.

Check out the complete results to learn more about APA’s Stress in America survey.

#stressapa

Book That Vacation Now!

One of my favorite vacation spots: Seaside, Florida

One of my favorite vacation spots: Seaside, Florida

This time of year can be rough.  Long nights, short days, cold, wind, snow.  Ugh.  And for those of us in my neck of the woods (Northern Colorado), spring is a looonnnnnggggg way off.  I don’t even want to think about it.

I was recently reminded how important vacations are.  Sure, they’re nice in the summer; but it’s this time of year when they can work some serious magic on mental health.  And it’s not just about the pretty photos you get by the beach (though those are nice, too).  Vacationing is an important part of overall health.  Here’s the scoop:

  • We all need a break from our day-to-day duties and responsibilities.  Sometimes I feel like if I fold one more hoodie, make one more trip to the post office, or drag the trash cans to the curb one more time I will scream! These tasks aren’t hard, but they get boring.  And work can become taxing and overwhelming for everyone at times.  In order to stay fresh and motivated to participate in the work of our lives – whatever that work may be – we need a break every now and then.
  • It can be easy to take what we have for granted.  Sometimes traveling or taking a little vacation can give us a new perspective that allows us to see our lives in a whole different light.
  • It can be hard to truly relax or “unwind” when we are caught up in to-do lists and the momentum of everyday.  Vacations – even a night or two away – can give us the chance to put down the phone, turn off the alarm and good a decent night’s sleep for once.
  • Good memories: making them, remembering them, and trying to re-create them are all important pieces of maintaining healthy relationships.  No one ever reminisced: “Remember that time we paid the mortgage on time? That was so fun!”  Vacations are not only enjoyable, but also meaningful, and allow us to create and share memories with the ones we love.  And some of the best memories are made when we are on vacation.

Vacations don’t need to be expensive, fancy or glamorous.  A trip to the local Super 8 is adventure enough.  And it might be just what the doctor ordered to get through the next few months of winter.

Why Therapy?

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“Therapy is a waste of time and money.”

“You don’t need therapy if you have good friends.”

“Therapists just want to change people into something they’re not.”

“I should be able to fix my problems myself.”

“I don’t believe in therapy.”

I have heard all these things in my 15+ years in the field of psychology.  And honestly I, too sometimes wonder what the heck therapy (and therapists!) are good for.  Does anything of real importance actually happen in the therapy office? Are people really helped by “talk therapy” or is it all a scam?  Would be all be better off just popping a pill and calling a psychic?

The answers to these questions are:

  • Powerful things can happen in therapy.
  • Yes, people are really helped by talking about their problems.
  • And, no, we’re not better off just popping pills.

Here are some of the reasons I believe therapy is so powerful:

  • There are few other situations in life in which you get to be the center of attention for a full hour.  Therapy is a time in which you get to call the shots, meaning: you get to choose what to talk about, how to talk about it, and when to move onto another topic.  I tell my clients that the therapy session is “their time” to do with whatever they like.  When else does that happen?
  • Talking to a therapist can seem like talking to a friend, at least at first.  But it differs in some important ways: your therapist doesn’t tell you about their own problems, fears, etc and your therapist doesn’t have a dog in the fight.  Meaning, it doesn’t matter to your therapist if you take job A or job B; choose boyfriend C or D; or quit calling your mother for 3 months.  Her feelings won’t be hurt no matter how you live your life.  Her main priority is that you improve your mental health.
  • The therapy office is a safe place to try out new ways of thinking, understanding and interacting with your world.  Because sharing your life with your therapist is just the first part of the therapy, the subsequent (and more interesting and transformative) parts include challenging your old ways of thinking and behaving in the hope of getting to a different place psychologically.  This takes time and effort – and yes, even a little discomfort at times – but is at the heart of the therapeutic process.
  • When push comes to shove I view myself as an educator.  I educate folks about all sorts of different things in the course of my typical day: child development, parenting, stress management, mental health – the list goes on and on.  Why read a million self help books when you can get a one-on-one tutoring session?

No doubt about it, therapy is a pretty weird and intimidating process.  But it’s powerful and worthwhile.  Want more information about psychotherapy and how it works? Check out more articles here.

 

Book Review: Mindful Parenting

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I spend a lot of time worrying about the super-fast, frenzied, hectic pace of our world.  I especially worry about the affect this pace has on our kids.  Questions like:

  • Are my kids too busy?
  • Do they know how to relax, be bored and unwind?
  • What will the long-term effects of our plugged in, crazy world be on them down the road?

When I discovered the book, Mindful Parenting, I was glad to see that someone else was a little worried too.  Dr. Kristen Race‘s book is a wonderful resource for parents who are concerned about stress in their kids.  She does a nice job explaining stress from  biological perspective, and also offers many do-able, down-to-earth strategies for helping kids (and parents too!) de-stress in an otherwise stressed out world.  I especially enjoyed her tips for kids who are “addicted” to screens, and those who are over-scheduled.

Mindfulness is a pretty hot topic these days.  Dr. Race‘s definition of mindfulness is:

Paying attention to the present moment without judgment

Mindfulness is the opposite of worry and multi-tasking.  It’s the opposite of zoned-out TV watching and snack eating.  What it is, can be hard to grasp – but Dr. Race and many others believe it is worth striving for because of its benefits for health.  Luckily, she offers LOTS of ideas about how to become a more mindful family (and hopefully raise more mindful children).  I like this sort of hands-on, easy-to-try parenting book.  Nothing too complicated, but filled with strategies that are simple enough to use today.

I recommend Mindful Parenting for families who feel like their lives are moving too quickly, or too filled with technology and outside activities.  Check it out here.

New Years Resolutions That Work

I always make New Years resolutions.  Some years they are pretty serious and challenging, other years they are more light-hearted and fun.  Either way, I think using the first couple weeks of January to take stock of where you are, where you’ve been and where you would like to go is a good use of time.

Like everyone else, my New Years resolutions often include things related to healthier living.  These might include resolutions involving nutrition, exercise, home management (financial matters, tidy-ness, etc).

But I also like to include resolutions involving my social well-being and relationships.  This might mean taking a look at how I spend my time and who I spend it with.  Am I spending my time as wisely as I spend my money?  Are there relationships that need to be re-kindled?  Others that need to be changed or ended?  Having a healthy, fulfilling social life (and that means very different things to different people) is a huge part of overall mental health, so it should be a part of our New Years resolutions too!

Sometimes I add a professional goal to my list of resolutions – some years it just feels important to make some changes, and some years things have been humming along just fine.  Either way, January is a great time to ask yourself: “Am I where I would like to be professionally?” or “Where would I like to be at the end of the year and what can I do to get there?”

Lastly, I like to add at least one (sometimes more) resolution involving my hobbies.  Some years it has been as simple as “find a new hobby” other years it has been more refined (like the year I resolved to learn to crochet).  This year I have resolved to write down all the books I read (I read 2-3 each week so it feels important to keep track!).  Regardless of what it is, avocations – or hobbies – are another important part of overall mental health so they need to be included too.  Plus these resolutions tend to be a lot more fun – and easier – than going vegan or working out everyday.

Regardless of your resolutions, remember to keep them reasonable and do-able for your best chance of success!

What are your resolutions this year?