What We Can Learn from Single Moms

The other day I got the opportunity to listen to an excellent interview on NPR.  The title of the segment was: Single Moms Make It Work and featured 3 single moms: Lori Gottlieb, Stacia Brown, and Aracely Panameno.Screen shot 2013-04-18 at 3.29.34 PM

The women seemed to enjoy themselves during the 15 minute interview which focused on tips and tricks many single moms use to make their lives run more smoothly.  The interviewees pointed out that while we may have stereotypes about single moms (harried, super-busy women who were left by their partners); these stereotypes don’t always fit reality (big surprise).  Some women may be single by choice, others live in multi-generational homes instead of a more traditional two-parent household.  Whatever their living situation and what led them to it, these women were clear: single moms have lots to teach the rest of us.

  • It’s OK to ask for help.  Stacia Brown pointed out that it is not a sign of weakness to ask others for help.  Rarely can anyone parent alone (even those who have a partner), so being able to reach out when assistance is needed is key.
  • We all have different ways of doing things.  Lori Gottlieb spoke about the fact that different things work for different families.  It is up to us as parents (single or not) to figure out what works best for us and our children.  Sometimes this means we have to learn to live with imperfection in ourselves, our homes, or our children’s craft projects.
  • Outsource the housework.  I just love this tip offered by Lori Gottlieb.  By outsourcing she means getting our kids involved with the running of the household.  Laundry, dishes, watering plants, dusting, cooking – kids are capable of lots more than we often give them credit for.  Demanding that our kids take more responsibility at home helps them learn important skills – and helps us parents in the process!
  • Be disciplined, committed, and organized. Aracely Panameno offered this guidance to the listeners.  I was struck by how important these things are in all aspects of life whether it be parenting, work, or relationships.

To listen to the interview in its entirety, click here.

More Sex = More Happiness?

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The equation might not be quite as simple as more sex equaling more happiness, but according to Dr. Tim Wadsworth, a sociology professor at the University of Colorado, sex does play a part in how happy we are.  He and his team looked at sociological data and surveys and found that those folks who thought they were having more sex than their friends and neighbors reported a higher level of happiness than those who thought they were sexually active less frequently.  This can be a bit confusing of course, because most of us don’t know for sure how often other couples are having sex.

Dr. Wadsworth explained that we learn about other people’s sex lives (or at least we think we do) through a variety of sources other than direct report.  For example, watching movies, TV, and reading magazine articles about frequency of sex can all work together to give us a sense of how often those around us are sexually active.

Years ago I had a supervisor who told me that he could judge the health of couple’s relationship simply by learning a few specifics about their sex life (frequency, satisfaction of both partners, etc).  I’m not sure I’d go that far, as there can be circumstances that make sexual activity difficult or impossible (illness, injury, distance, etc) in otherwise happy couples.  But, I don’t deny that sexual activity is an important part of overall health and happiness.

For more information about the health benefits of sex, I checked out WebMD and found this great article.  Among the benefits of sex: Decreased stress and blood pressure, and improved immune function.  Of course particularly active sex might count as physical activity and exercise, with the resulting cardiovascular benefits.  For the full list of health benefits (including improved self esteem) check out WebMD’s article.

To read more about Dr. Wadsworth’s study about sex and happiness, click here.

 

 

5 Questions with Andrew Solomon

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Several weeks ago I posted a review of the book Far From the Tree by Andrew Solomon.  I cannot say enough good things about his work – it is simply superb.  To read my review of his book about children and parents, click here.

Today I feel privileged to have Mr. Solomon here to answer some questions!  Welcome, Mr. Solomon!

Andrew Solomon is a writer and lecturer on psychology, politics, and the arts; winner of the National Book Award; and an activist in LGBT rights, mental health, and the arts.

Andrew Solomon is a writer and lecturer on psychology, politics, and the arts; winner of the National Book Award; and an activist in LGBT rights, mental health, and the arts.

Dr. S.: I read your book through the lens of a psychologist who works with families in situations similar to the families in your book. I have also recommended your book to families with children who have fallen “far from the tree.”  I can see that there are many people to whom this book would be of interest. Did you have a particular audience in mind when you were writing? Who did you envision reading this book?

A.S.: I knew, of course, that the first audience for the book would be families dealing with the differences about which I wrote, and I’ve had many letters now from families of people with autism, schizophrenia, Down syndrome, dwarfism, criminality, and transgenderism.  But my theory is that the book is for a wider audience than that.  Much as we test flame-retardant pajamas in an inferno to make sure our child’s sleeve won’t catch fire when he reaches across the stove, so we can understand the profound ways that all parenting is about accommodating difference by looking at these more extreme cases.  So my audience really is anyone who has been a parent or a child.

Dr. S.: I found all of the chapters to be riveting and gut-wrenching for one reason or another. Was there one topic that was most emotional for you to write about?

A. S.: Each is gut-wrenching in its own way.  But some of the chapters ultimately describe great redemptions: how people find meaning in Deaf culture, how the lives of dwarfs may be particularly rich, how people who are transgender have an apotheosis when they transition.  There’s less to be said in favor of having a child conceived in rape, and the chapter on those children was a very tough one, although many of the mothers I interviewed had ended up very much attached to the children they had.  The chapter on crime was painful because crime also confers few advantages.  And I found schizophrenia terrifying, because it sets in so late, leaving everyone with an unending sense of loss.

Dr. S.:  At the end of your book, you wrote about the birth of your son and how your book research affected how you reacted to a medical scare immediately following delivery. Now that he is 3, in what other ways has your research affected your parenting and your reactions to his development?

A.S.: I have perfectionist tendencies, but the book made it clear to me that no one is perfect and that aspiring to a narrow vision of how your child should be is a recipe for disaster.  I think I’m a more open, more generous parent as a result of all I saw.  I have many hopes for my children, but I think I’ll be able to love them whether they share those hopes or not.  The book very much helped me to see my children as separate beings, with their own wishes and ambitions and character.

Dr. S.:  What are you working on now? Any new books in the works?

A.S.: While I was working on Far From the Tree, I was also doing a PhD in psychology at Cambridge.  My research involved doing longitudinal interviews with a group of 24 women, talking to each of them before the birth of a first child, immediately after that birth, and every six months going forward.  The process has been rich, and I hope now to do a book for a broader audience on the way women emerge into motherhood, how that identity is shaped over a period of years.

Dr. S.:  I often write about stress management. We all know that yoga and meditation are great – but I am more interested in unique, creative methods of managing stress. For example, some people like to make chocolate, others like to work on cars. What are your go-to methods of managing the stress in your busy life?

A.S.: Sleep, good nutrition, and exercise: those are the three.  Sleep is just about my favorite thing to do; eating well can be a pleasure, though I miss gratifying my taste for sugar; exercise is anathema.  But I know that’s the triumvirate that gets me through.  I take meds, too–they have helped me to be more balanced and less frantic.  And I’ve learned to tolerate the feeling of being stressed out, always knowing that it’s temporary, and that whatever I am stressed about today, I’ll be stressed out about something else tomorrow!

Thanks for your time, Mr. Solomon.  I can’t wait to see your next book on motherhood!

To learn more about Andrew Solomon, check out his site.  To order his book, Far From the Tree, click here.

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The Boston Marathon Attacks and Coping with Traumatic Events

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As I was brushing my teeth this morning I was thinking about whether and what to post about the attacks in Boston yesterday.  Like everyone else, I am dismayed and grieved at the trauma endured by the athletes and their supporters.  I can’t help but reflect on the multitude of traumas our people have endured over the last few years.

Is this normal?  Have these sorts of incidents increased?  What can be made of all this violence, injury and death?  I don’t know the answers to these questions.  But, I do know that it is normal to feel lots of emotions following tragedies like the one yesterday.

The American Psychological Association offered some tips on how to recognize and cope with traumatic stress.  Check out their tips here.

In looking over APA’s info, I was struck by a couple of points:

  • People respond to tragedies differently.  Some folks might feel nothing, others may cry, still others might have trouble tearing themselves away from news coverage.  I notice many folks turning to social media as a way to cope with their own grief and fear.  Still others may simply want to retreat and withdraw.  No response is right or wrong.  Just different.
  • Re-establishing routines is important.  I’m big into routines, so this tip really rang true for me.  Routines can be comforting to all of us – especially kids – so getting back to a normal schedule can go a long way in helping cope with traumatic events.  Maybe this means going back to your regular dinnertime, enjoying your favorite TV shows, or getting back to your typical workout schedule.  Even if it feels awkward at first, getting back into the swing of your normal routine can help minimize stress, fear, and uncertainty.
  • Avoid major life decisions.  This tip is new to me, but I think it is pretty interesting.  Traumatic events can produce big emotions.  Sometimes those emotions are grief and fear, but they can also be passion, anger, or excitement.  These emotions can be so intense that we may feel driven to make decisions about our relationships, work, and family lives.  APA suggests we avoid these decisions in times of high stress.

For more information about coping with traumatic events, check out the American Psychological Association.

 

Facebook: Good or Bad for Self Esteem?

I was recently interviewed for this story in the Philadelphia Inquirer about whether and how Facebook use affects self esteem.  The cool thing about the article was that it was written by a high school student.  And while I think of myself as young, and try so hard to be cool and relevant; I just can’t keep up with a teenager in terms of technology and social media and their effects on our psyches.

I’ve written about stress, self esteem and Facebook before, but was interested to read this author’s take on how Facebook use can affect self esteem in teens specifically.  She brought up some points I never would have thought of.  The number of “likes” one receives on posts or pictures, and the number of “friends” one racks up for instance.  As someone who is long past the teen years, I notice other things affecting my self esteem.  Things like friends’ vacation destinations, career accomplishments, and children’s behavior.

Of course Facebook is not all bad.  Connecting with long lost friends and family members is great, and so are the birthday wishes that come through on our timelines.  How does Facebook affect you? What about the teens in your life – does it affect them differently?  Check out the full article below:

The Philadelphia Inquirer: Debate over Facebook's effect on self esteem 04/07/2013

The Philadelphia Inquirer: Debate over Facebook’s effect on self esteem 04/07/2013

 

Teaching Kids About Eating Right

Many of you know that one of the hats I wear is an advisory board member for Produce for Kids, an awesome organization dedicated to healthy kids and families.  One of my fellow board members recently wrote some guidelines about teaching even our youngest kids about healthy eating.  As obesity rises among kids (and adults!) this seems like a more important lesson than ever.  But it can be tricky: We don’t want to deprive our kids or set up an unhealthy relationship with food.  But ignoring the issue, or allowing them to indulge in all of their junk food fantasies doesn’t seem right either.  Estella Schnelle of the Weekly Bite provides some great tips for navigating these treacherous waters.

Check out her tips below:

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Parenting Transgender Children

There is a family here in Colorado who has been making headlines recently because of their transgender child.  I’m not going to get into the specifics of the story (you can read more about it here) but will focus on some of the great discussion and information that has been going on surrounding the story.

Most of us don’t have a lot of experience with transgender children, either as parents, professionals, teachers or friends.  This lack of experience can make an already tricky situation even more difficult simply because of our lack of exposure.  In reaction to the above-mentioned story in Colorado, my colleague Dr. Sarah Burgamy, was asked to speak about transgender children on a local TV program.  She did an awesome job answering some basic questions on parenting children who might be – or definitely are – transgender.

A couple of her points that stuck out most to me:

How do you know if your child is transgender, or just “going through a phase?”  Many kids go through phases of exploring interests or looks more typically thought of as belonging to the opposite sex.  For example, a boy enjoying dressing up in skirts, or a little girl enjoying trains.  Dr. Burgamy explained that transgender children’s behaviors and attitudes are “insistent, persistent and consistent” over time.

How should a parent respond to their transgender child?  Parenting is a tough job any time, but can be especially challenging when our children don’t fall inside the “norm,” have unique needs or interests, or are simply different from their peers.  Dr. Burgamy offered some excellent guidelines for parents with transgender children (or any children for that matter):

  •  Minimize distress
  • Increase happiness
  • Do what you can to allow them to have happy childhoods

Check out her full interview here:

 

Dr. Burgamy also provided some resources for families and friends of transgender youth:

The Transgender Child:  A Handbook for Families and Professionals – by, Stephanie Brill & Rachel Pepper
Gender Born, Gender Made:  Raising Healthy Gender Non-Conforming Children by Diane Ehrensaft, Ph.D.

Trans Youth Family Allies – TYFA

TransACTIVE – based in Portland, OR but has some good national/international resources.

 

Mental Health and TV – Good for All of Us

Today I posted an article over at the American Psychological Association’s blog, Your Mind. Your Body.  In it I write about the importance of portraying mental health issues, struggles and solutions in TV and movies.  Check it out here.

Some of my favorite TV shows regularly integrate important topics in mental health including bullying, suicide, mental illness and family struggles.  The folks over at Glee do a pretty good job (most of the time) accurately portraying mental illness and treatment. Gossip Girl, Hoarders, Parenthood, Monk and Friday Night Lights are other shows that include characters with psychiatric disorders.

Of course there are tons of movies whose main subject is mental illness.  Check out this cool list on Wikipedia listing movies featuring mental illness organized by diagnosis.  Silver Linings Playbook is just 1 of 14 movies listed in the Bipolar Disorder category.

If you want to learn more about some of the great work being done in TV and films, check out SAMHSA’s Voice Awards.  Here’s a description:

Join the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s (SAMHSA) Voice Awards program in recognizing consumer/peer leaders and TV and film professionals who educate the public about the real experiences of people with behavioral health problems. Through their work and personal stories of resilience, both groups of leaders demonstrate that people can and do recover from mental health and substance use disorders and lead full and meaningful lives in their communities.

Today is the deadline to nominate producers and programs! Check out SAMHSA’s site to submit your favorite show by the end of the day!

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5 Questions with Lori Gottlieb

I am thrilled to have the author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough here today to answer some questions! I recently reviewed Lori Gottlieb’s book, and am thrilled she agreed to share more about the creation of the book with us.  Welcome, Ms. Gottlieb!

Dr. S.: “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” is a catchy title, but I didn’t think the title was truly reflective of the book’s message. What were some alternate titles? Something else you wish it were called?Screen shot 2013-03-26 at 3.19.07 PM

L.G.: Unfortunately, I didn’t get to choose the title, and I so wish that it accurately reflected the hopeful message of the book, which is about how to find lasting, passionate love.  The book has absolutely nothing to do with lowering one’s standards or “settling.”  In fact, the book is about having very high standards — extremely high standards — but having high standards about the things that matter for long-term, happy marriages, and letting go of the trivial things that don’t.  In Marry Him, I talk to experts who study relationships and marriage from different perspectives — psychologists, behavioral economists, sociologists, neurobiologists, matchmakers, historians, couples counselors, dating coaches, you name it — then I write about their findings and try them out myself, like a dating guinea pig.  What matters for lasting love?  What doesn’t?  Why do we often pick partners who seem fantastic when we first meet them only to discover that they aren’t right for us — and how might we have seen this more clearly from the beginning?  How can we be more conscious about choosing great partners, especially when we’re young enough to have the most available options?  How do our cultural messages about expectations for love sometimes lead us to make decisions that won’t necessarily make us happy?  What does “true love” really mean?  What keeps people in love?

Dr. S.: Your book doesn’t have a traditional happy ending.  Was it tough (in either your mind, or the mind of your publisher) to end the book without a big wedding?

L.G.: I think it has a very happy ending, and a real happy ending.  I talk about this in Marry Him, but the “traditional” happy endings we often see in movies involve that final wedding scene, and then we just assume that this couple that has been bickering for the past 90 minutes will go on to be compatible and happy for the rest of their lives.  Look at Hollywood marriages — they don’t tend to end up that way.

As I say in the book, I’ve never dreamed about my wedding. I would dream about being happily married:  Who’s the guy?  What is our daily life like?  What is it like to grow old with this person, to share life’s great adventures with this person, to create a memorable history together, to raise children together, to run a household together, to bring out the best in each other while accepting the worst in each other, to witness each other’s great pleasures in life and be there for each other’s difficult failures or disappointments, to make each other laugh and continue to surprise each other even as time goes on, to know somebody that well over decades and be known that well in turn?  Marriage is a very rich, complex, challenging experience; it’s not about the big wedding day and who do you want to go to Tahiti with for the week.

Anyone can have a wedding.  Marry Him is about finding the right person to go through life with.  One expert in the book says, “There’s no perfect partner; there’s the perfect partner for you.”  So the happy endings in the book are all the stories of the women who used the tools in Marry Him to find to find their perfect partner.  And for me, the happy ending was that while I learned these lessons much later than I would have liked to — my point in the book is that young women will save themselves a lot of heartache and have a much easier time finding love if they learn these lessons early on — I did, finally, learn them.  At the end of the book, I acknowledged that it would be far more challenging to date in my forties than it had been to date in my twenties and thirties (a reality that women need to be aware of), but I also felt that I had a much better chance of meeting the right person now that I’d gained this insight.  I suppose if I were to write a post-script to the book, I’d let readers know that, eventually, I did meet somebody great.  And if I’d dated the way I had before researching and writing Marry Him, I might have missed out on the opportunity to be with this person whom I’m so lucky to have in my life on a daily basis.  But in the book, I follow several women on their dating journeys, and for the ones who take the advice and really examine their old patterns, their endings are very happy, too.

Dr. S.: If you were to give relationship/marriage/commitment advice to a young woman just entering the dating pool, what would be your #1 piece of advice?

I wish it were that easy, that I could give the magic answer and poof — that’s how you find love!  I think that all of the advice in Marry Him needs to be taken together to really help people get clear and to realize that they have far more control over how their dating lives are going than they think.  That said, if I had to pick one general idea, it would be that many people treat dating like ordering a  meal at a restaurant. They want to order up a person a la carte: I’ll take a little of this, more of that, less of the other, and please leave the annoying habit or less-than-ideal physical feature on the side.  But a person comes as he or she comes.  There are “no substitutions” at this restaurant.  It’s not your partner’s job to be everything you want at all times.  That’s impossible.  One expert in the book said to me, “Lori, instead of making a list of all the things you want in a guy, I want you make a list of everything a guy would have to put up with, in order to spend his life with you.”  Our girlfriends are always telling us how fabulous we are, and while we all have many appealing qualities, we’re also as flawed as the next person.  That exercise — writing down what a guy would have to compromise on if he wanted to spend his life with me — really made me see things differently!

Dr. S.: What are you working on these days? Any new books we can look forward to?

I’m working on a piece for The Atlantic about sex in marriage!  I also have a private practice and do relationship consulting at www.lorigottliebtherapy.com.
Dr. S.:  One of the things I often write about in my blog is stress management. We all know that yoga and meditation are great, but I am more interested in unique and creative methods of stress management.  What do you do to relieve stress?

This might sound corny, but I do in life what I suggest people do in Marry Him.  I focus on the important things that I’m grateful for and I let the small things go.  I don’t mean that I’m a Pollyanna.  It’s more that when life’s challenges present themselves — and they always will — I remember that I have all kinds of choices. I can choose to be stressed over minor things or I can choose to put my energy elsewhere.   It’s completely up to me how I react to a particular situation, big or small.  It’s really about having perspective — am I running from the bears and about to be devoured, or is this just disappointing (and the disappointment will pass) or a nuisance that I’ll have to deal with temporarily?  It doesn’t take the stress away completely, but it does make things feel far less overwhelming than they would be if I didn’t slow myself down, access my more objective self, and see the situation for what it is.  I find that having that kind of perspective makes daily life so much more relaxing.

To learn more about Lori Gottlieb, check out her website. To order Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, or read some of her other work, click here. Thanks again!

Postpartum Anxiety – More Common Than We Thought

Have you seen this: A new study in the Journal of Reproductive Medicine found that postpartum anxiety and symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder are more common than once thought.  The researchers found 11% of new moms have OCD symptoms (including fear of germs, preoccupation with the safety of the baby, etc) after childbirth.  They found half of the new moms will get better by six months, and there is an additional 5.4% that will develop new onset symptoms at 6 months.DSC02075

A different study, this one in the American Journal of Pediatrics, found postpartum anxiety to be more common than postpartum depression, at least through the first 6 weeks after the baby is born.  The researchers found that 17% of the moms in the study experienced anxiety after giving birth.

The health care folks – together with the media – have done a super job educating the public about the warning signs and risks of postpartum depression in the last decade.  Brooke Shields and other celebrities have shared their struggles with postpartum depression, and have helped millions of women understand that the condition is common and quite treatable.

But in my experience, not all women who struggle after childbirth struggle with symptoms of depression – but symptoms of anxiety.  Extreme fear for the safety of the baby, inability to stop worrying about the baby’s well-being (even to the point of not being able to sleep), fear of germs or illness in the baby or other family members – these, and other symptoms of anxiety – can impede a new moms ability to care for herself, the baby, and/or other children.

A psychologically healthy mom’s ability to worry is endless.  A mom who struggles with postpartum anxiety can be debilitated.  And a mom crippled with anxiety and worry can struggle to meet her new baby’s needs.

Luckily, there are many places to turn for support and treatment.  Ob/Gyn’s and pediatricians are great professionals to turn to for medication management and community resources.  Psychologists can provide individual and family therapy to new moms.  Online support groups like Postpartum Support International can also offer resources and guidance.  For more information about the signs and symptoms of postpartum depression – including how to get help – check out the American Psychological Association.