Category: Stress Management

You’re Driving Me Crazy – Surviving the Holiday Week

Oh, the post-Christmas doldrums.  The holiday preparations are over, the gifts are unwrapped, the cookies are all eaten.  And all that’s left for us are a stack of thank-you notes to write, dusty decorations to pack away, and a whole week left of family togetherness until school/work starts again.

Oh, the dreams we had earlier in the month about spending quality time with our kids, our spouses, our extended families.  We would sled out back, sip hot cocoa, and make lots of warm, happy memories to cherish. But the reality of so much togetherness can be very different from our eggnog-induced fantasies.  As our kids develop cabin fever and start climbing the walls, our stress levels can go through the roof.  Our spouses encroach on our space and it starts to feel as though every room in the house is shrinking.  It’s enough to make someone run screaming into the nearest snow drift!

So what can be done to head off this end-of-year family overload?

Keep up your normal routine. Like to take a walk every morning? Have a cup of tea at 3?  Have lunch with your mom on Wednesdays?  Just because schedules are wacky this week, it doesn’t mean you have to stop doing the things that help you stay sane.

Get healthy. A sure-fire way to get myself feeling irritable is to eat crappy food and forgo exercise.  Unfortunately, it is particularly difficult during this week to eat right, drink water, and get lots of fresh air.  Those holiday leftovers just call my name so loud!  But really, why wait until January 1st to start treating your body right? Pitch the cookies and try a clementine instead.

Appreciate life. Remember a couple of weeks ago when we were looking forward to this week? No homework to prepare, no deadlines to meet, and lots of visits with family and friends to look forward to.  Instead of wishing this week away, try appreciating the change of pace – if for no other reason than to realize how nice your normal school/work schedule really is.

…And One More Thing About Girlfriends…

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After having a little holiday celebration with one of my very best girlfriends, I realized I forgot something on the list of my last post.  And that something is: Girlfriends give you the confidence to shoot for the stars.  Aiming to run a marathon by the end of the year though you’ve never moved faster than a trot?  Planning to ask your boss for a raise?  Starting your own blog? Expanding your business? Publishing a book?  If you’re feeling less-than-confident about your dreams for 2011, check in with a girlfriend.  My hunch is that she will give you all the courage you need.

Girlfriends and the Holidays: A Match Made in Heaven

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I almost started crying the other day when I was out to lunch.  There were 2 tables near mine full of women, clearly celebrating the holidays together.  I don’t know how the ladies knew each other, but I daydreamed that perhaps they were book clubs, or neighbors, or maybe had children in the same preschool years ago, or were part of a big family of sisters.  Whatever their relationships, watching them was enchanting.

While the ages of the women varied, they all had a few things in common: they all carried cute little gift bags, and they all wore something holiday-ish (a red scarf, a Christmas pin, a sparkly bag).  And they all looked happy – they smiled and laughed and hugged. It warmed by heart.  And it also got me thinking about the importance of girlfriends.  Because they are essential for women – and no matter how hard we try to make our husbands/boyfriends/partners into a girlfriend, it is never going to happen.  There are just some things that girlfriends can do, that the men in our life never will.

“Oooooooh, I love it!” I heard a lot of this at the restaurant the other day.  As each woman approached the tables, the others exclaimed loudly: “Ooooooh, I LOVE that pin – did you make it?” or “oh my gosh! I love your highlights!” or “Jane, you look amazing – so young and fresh!”  The enthusiasm and affection were overwhelming – and infectious.
I think I’ve heard that before. I can spend hours talking about the same thing.  And then I can talk about it for hours again the next day.  One of my favorite things about girlfriends is that they don’t get sick of listening.  The smallest development in the latest saga, and they listen to the whole story again – and actually seem interested! I know very few men who can hang in there for years on end as the women in their lives wax on and on about the same old thing – but girlfriends can do it with ease.
I think I’ve felt that before. In my clinical work I frequently offer group sessions because I believe in the power of shared experiences.  It is so affirming – and such a relief – to discover that someone else has gone through rough patches in their marriages, gone into debt, struggled with weight, or fantasized about the bachelor down the street too.
I think I can make it now. Spending time with a girlfriend can be energizing.  Laughter, shared experiences, and feeling understood can go a long way in helping to manage stress during this time of year (or anytime, really).  So enjoy those Christmas get-togethers, gift exchanges, holiday teas, and impromptu cookie feasts – and know that you are doing something good for your mental health!
photo by: Cafemama

Do My Husband and I Need Therapy?

I often get phone calls and emails asking me this question. My answer is usually something pretty vague like “well, what do you think?” To which I then get a description of the state of the marriage. Typically the caller is unhappy, not feeling heard and/or appreciated, sick of arguing, or the couple are struggling to overcome a breach of trust (an affair, pornography, financial problems, etc). So, how do couples know when it is time to seek the help of a professional?

You’ve read all the books. Often when couples come to me for therapy they have tried reading self-help books, gone to seminars, tried talking to each other, ignoring each other, and changing each other yet nothing has worked.

You’re looking outside your marriage for relief. Whether it’s complaining to your girlfriends about what a jerk your husband is, or looking online for a new partner – when folks start looking outside their marriage for happiness and fulfillment, it is usually a sign that there are problems.

Your other relationships and roles are suffering. I often hear women say that their relationship with their husband is so bad that it is affecting the way they parent, or their relationship with their friends, or their ability to concentrate at work.

You’re married. Marriage is hard. Kids are hard. Work is hard. Put it all together and it is a recipe for strain on even the most solid, loving marriages.

I think all couples can benefit from therapy at some point in their lives together. Maybe it’s after a baby is born, or after a lay-off, when someone decides to stay home with the kids, or when grandma moves in. Whenever the tough times might come (and they come for every relationship) it can be a relief to know that there is a way to get help.

Creative Gratitude, Part 3

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I don’t like coffee much.  I can easily pass up Starbucks, forego making coffee at home, and steer clear of the pot in the office.  But one thing I do love, and am grateful for this week, is a cup when I am out to breakfast.  I don’t do it much (perhaps why I appreciate it so much?) but I love the faux – Fiestaware mugs, the tiny creamers, and the clink clink clink of my spoon going ’round.  I’m grateful for the waitresses who call me “hon” and who aren’t shy about topping off the mug.  So thanks fod breakfast joints and the waitresses who work there, thanks for 99 cent cups of coffee, and thanks for the folks who share a cup with me.

Creative Gratitude

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‘Tis the season of gratitude.  And thanks to Oprah (among others) we know that we should be grateful for the wonderful things, people, and resources in our lives.  Of course we are thankful for our friends, our health, our jobs, our children, parents, partners, and neighbors.  We give thanks to our kids’ teachers, their care providers, and even our mail delivery people – and we should feel grateful for these people!  But if you are feeling a little stale this holiday season and need a jumpstart for your gratitude, you’re in the right spot.  I am dedicating the next couple of days to being thankful for the things that make life fun:

Felt.  Felt is my new art medium of choice.  It’s cheap (4 pieces for $1), it’s versatile, and the colors make me happy.  The other cool thing about felt is that you need not be “crafty” to have fun with it – it’s very forgiving.  Some recent felt projects:

Felt Fall Garland

 

Felt Pillow

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taylor Swift. I am loving listening to Taylor’s new album, “Speak Now.”  But just as much as her singable music, I am grateful for the role model she is to young girls.  Self-assured, enormously talented, vulnerable, and honest – we can’t ask for a better superstar for our girls to look up to.

Weddings. Weddings are beautiful.  I don’t care if it’s the wedding of a close relative, best girlfriend, or stranger – I never get sick of hearing about weddings.  And I must not be alone given the number of wedding-related shows on TV.  Lucky for all of us wedding aficionados, we are going to have lots to be grateful for next year thanks to Prince William and his Princess-to-be.

 

Pretty wedding feet

 

 

Good Photography. I’m not a good photographer, but I sure appreciate people who are.  I never tire of looking at photographs: old ones, new ones, ones with people, ones with animals – it doesn’t matter.  I’m grateful that I have friends who are awesome photographers, and thankful that I have a camera of my own.

Cherry Chapstick. Even before Katy Perry sang about kissing a girl with Cherry Chapstick (and liking it), I have been a fan myself.  I have a stick in every room in my house, in my car, in my purse, and in my office.  It smells good, works great, and makes the cold winters a little more bearable.

 

mmmmm...cherry chapstick

What are you grateful for?

 

 

 

 

 

Stress in America – Stress Tip #7 – Ask for Help

For the last week I have been posting stress management tips.  But what should you do when you’ve tried them all (and lots of others) and you are still feeling more stressed and overwhelmed than you would like? It might be time to seek a professional.  I’m often asked how one knows when it is time to see a psychologist; here are some ideas:

  • You’ve tried several strategies on your own to manage your stress (or sadness, or worry, or fears) and nothing seems to work
  • Your stress is starting to interfere with your relationships and your work
  • You’re not enjoying life the way you once did (or wish you could)
  • You’re starting to notice physical manifestations of your stress (headaches, muscle aches, stomach aches, problems sleeping, etc)
  • You’re starting to use not-so-healthy behaviors to deal with your stress.  Maybe you’ve started drinking more alcohol, smoking cigarettes, eating to excess, not eating enough, spending too much, etc
  • You just feel like you need a fresh set of eyes to help make sense of the struggles in your life

If the above are happening, try meeting with a psychologist.  Often just a few sessions are enough to gain a new perspective on life, and to learn some new strategies for stress reduction.  Don’t know where to begin?  Check out my post on making your first appointment with a psychologist.


Stress in America – Stress Tip #6 – Shake Your Booty, Baby!

Last night I was interviewed on 850 KOA.  The hosts of the show asked me lots of questions about APA’s Stress in America survey.  They also asked lots of questions about how to manage stress – probably the most frequent question I get asked, both from reporters and in my clinical practice.  When giving tips, I have my stock answers, but I also try to come up with some new, different ideas for folks who need a fresh breath of stress-free air.

So, last night as I was waiting on the line for my interview to start I started to think about the radio, and its importance in stress management.  Who among us hasn’t enjoyed listening to new hits or favorite oldies?  Whether you sing out loud or lip synch to your favorite tunes – there are few better forms of stress relief.

And if you really want to get the maximum stress relief from the music you love – shake your booty too.  Of all the tips I have mentioned over the last week, dancing, singing, and losing yourself in music is surely the most enjoyable.

 

Stress in America – Stress Tip #5 – Laugh!!

I love, love, love to laugh.  And lucky for me, it is a super-effective stress management strategy.  Not only have researchers told us that laughter really can be good medicine – it is also free and FUN!  Unfortunately, one of the things that often happens when we are stressed, worried, or overwhelmed is that we either a) stop seeking out funny things b) lose our senses of humor c) move around too quickly to notice the funny things in life.

So, for today’s tip, try laughing.  Sometimes we have to fake it (and that’s OK, it’s still effective) as in laughing yoga.  Other times we just have to find those things that we think are funny.  Need some help? Here are some of my favorites:

What are the funny things that make you laugh?