Author: drstephaniesmith

Life Through the Eyes of a Psychologist

Study Participants Wanted

I am posting the following notice from my colleague Dr Keely Kolmes who is conducting a study on therapy, social media, and clients.  Please read on for more information:

Are you a person 18 years old or over, who has been in psychotherapy,
and has sought or found information about your therapist on the
Internet? If so, we would appreciate your taking the time to complete a survey.

Our names are Keely Kolmes and Dan Taube and we are licensed
psychologists who would like to request your participation in our
research on the effects of encountering your past or current
therapist’s information on the Internet. This study has been approved
by the Institutional Review Board of Alliant International University.

As a participant, you will be asked to complete an online survey
covering your basic demographic information and your experiences
regarding seeking or accidentally discovering information about your
therapist on the Internet. We expect the survey to take about 20 to 35
minutes to complete.

Your input may help therapists to better understand if and how this
information affects clients.

No names or personal information will be linked to the study and your
participation will be completely anonymous so long as you do not put
your name in your responses. If you should wish to contact the
researchers directly, your participation may become confidential
rather than anonymous, although your name will not be linked to any of
the data you submit.

To be eligible for the study, you must be 18 or older, currently in
psychotherapy, or have been in psychotherapy in the past, and have
encountered or sought information about your therapist on the Internet.

If you meet the above criteria and are interested in participating in
the study, you can access the survey at:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/finalclient

If you do not qualify for the study but you know others who might be
interested in participating, feel free to forward this notice or URL.

Thank you for your interest and participation.

Sincerely,

Keely Kolmes, Psy.D. drkkolmes@hushmail.com

Daniel Taube, Ph.D., J.D. dtaube@alliant.edu

When Your Holidays Aren’t So Happy

A few years ago one of my dear friends got some bad news.  It was a few weeks before Christmas and she was happily humming along to the holiday tunes she loved when the bad news hit her smack in the face.  I’m not going to get into details, but the news was devastating and life changing.  And ever since that early December evening, the holiday season has meant something different to her.  No longer is it unabashedly cheerful and grateful, rather it is a time for reflection, sadness, and regret.

During this time of year we are bombarded with the happiness of the holidays.  We can also find tips on managing holiday stress, coping with the dreaded office Christmas party, and dealing with irritating in-laws and unwanted gifts.  But it is more rare that we read about the sadness that the holiday season brings for many.  Those without families, those who have lost marriages, children, parents, or homes.  The reasons for holiday gloom are many – and more common than you might think.

So what can be done when your holidays aren’t happy and don’t look anything like those in the movies?

Give yourself a break. Even though Target, Hallmark, and Macy’s would have us believe that December is the most magical, meaningful time of the year, it doesn’t have to be so.  There’s no law saying you have to put up lights, decorate a tree, or even send out cards.  So make your own meaning and tradition.  June a better time for you? Go with it – and create traditions and memories around a time that works better for you.

Don’t fake it. Forcing yourself to go to every party, bake 12 dozen cookies, and smile until January 2nd will just make the season worse.  Feel like staying home and having a quiet night in? Do it.

The reason for the season. Whatever your religious preference, I think most can agree that the reason for the season is NOT excessive spending and swelling of consumer debt.  So whatever your beliefs, it may be helpful to focus on the spiritual side of December.

Seek help. If you’ve tried some of the ideas above as well as some of your own, and still can’t shake your sadness this season, consider seeking the help of a psychologist.  Often just a few sessions with an unbiased, caring, helpful professional can be enough to make the holidays manageable – and maybe someday enjoyable.

Photo by: LST1984

Teaching Our Kids Gratitude, One Birthday at a Time

 

The Gift Wagon

I was hanging out at a kid’s birthday party recently (yes, I do a lot of that and yes, they provide me with lots of blog material) when I spotted the above:  The Gift Wagon.  Literally a wagon with a handle and wheels about 3 feet wide by 3 feet tall.  As I tried surreptitiously to take a photo of the wagon, I thought about the complaints so many of us have made about our ungrateful kids. And I started wondering: Might we as parents be contributing to our children’s ungrateful hearts when we:

  • Treat every birthday as if it were a major milestone, and hold celebrations the scope of which were once reserved for sweet 16 parties?
  • Expect the 15 invitees to our 5 year old’s party to bring enough large presents to fill the gift wagon?
  • Provide each invitee with a party favor that costs more than a sweater?

So what can be done? Is there a way to break out of this birthday party madness that will keep our children happy and help us teach them to be grateful even when we don’t rent out the nearest funplex for them and 20 of their closest friends? Yes! I have seen quite a few families do some pretty creative things with birthdays, including:

  • Host birthday parties for their kids only every other or every third year.  On the off years have a small celebration with family.
  • In lieu of gifts, ask each invitee to bring a book and have a book exchange where each child goes home with a new book.
  • Ask invitees to bring a donation to a designated charity instead of a gift.
  • Host a “party” where the kids volunteer together for a charity (cleaning the animal shelter, serving at a soup kitchen, sorting cans at a food bank)
  • Keep it small and simple.  There’s nothing wrong with a good, old-fashioned, backyard party with cake and ice cream.  No clowns, no bouncy houses, no portable petting zoos.  You might be surprised at how well the kids can entertain themselves.

Have you had luck keeping your kids grateful? What did you do (or not do)?

 

Do My Husband and I Need Therapy?

I often get phone calls and emails asking me this question. My answer is usually something pretty vague like “well, what do you think?” To which I then get a description of the state of the marriage. Typically the caller is unhappy, not feeling heard and/or appreciated, sick of arguing, or the couple are struggling to overcome a breach of trust (an affair, pornography, financial problems, etc). So, how do couples know when it is time to seek the help of a professional?

You’ve read all the books. Often when couples come to me for therapy they have tried reading self-help books, gone to seminars, tried talking to each other, ignoring each other, and changing each other yet nothing has worked.

You’re looking outside your marriage for relief. Whether it’s complaining to your girlfriends about what a jerk your husband is, or looking online for a new partner – when folks start looking outside their marriage for happiness and fulfillment, it is usually a sign that there are problems.

Your other relationships and roles are suffering. I often hear women say that their relationship with their husband is so bad that it is affecting the way they parent, or their relationship with their friends, or their ability to concentrate at work.

You’re married. Marriage is hard. Kids are hard. Work is hard. Put it all together and it is a recipe for strain on even the most solid, loving marriages.

I think all couples can benefit from therapy at some point in their lives together. Maybe it’s after a baby is born, or after a lay-off, when someone decides to stay home with the kids, or when grandma moves in. Whenever the tough times might come (and they come for every relationship) it can be a relief to know that there is a way to get help.

Creative Gratitude, Part 3

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I don’t like coffee much.  I can easily pass up Starbucks, forego making coffee at home, and steer clear of the pot in the office.  But one thing I do love, and am grateful for this week, is a cup when I am out to breakfast.  I don’t do it much (perhaps why I appreciate it so much?) but I love the faux – Fiestaware mugs, the tiny creamers, and the clink clink clink of my spoon going ’round.  I’m grateful for the waitresses who call me “hon” and who aren’t shy about topping off the mug.  So thanks fod breakfast joints and the waitresses who work there, thanks for 99 cent cups of coffee, and thanks for the folks who share a cup with me.

Creative Gratitude

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‘Tis the season of gratitude.  And thanks to Oprah (among others) we know that we should be grateful for the wonderful things, people, and resources in our lives.  Of course we are thankful for our friends, our health, our jobs, our children, parents, partners, and neighbors.  We give thanks to our kids’ teachers, their care providers, and even our mail delivery people – and we should feel grateful for these people!  But if you are feeling a little stale this holiday season and need a jumpstart for your gratitude, you’re in the right spot.  I am dedicating the next couple of days to being thankful for the things that make life fun:

Felt.  Felt is my new art medium of choice.  It’s cheap (4 pieces for $1), it’s versatile, and the colors make me happy.  The other cool thing about felt is that you need not be “crafty” to have fun with it – it’s very forgiving.  Some recent felt projects:

Felt Fall Garland

 

Felt Pillow

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taylor Swift. I am loving listening to Taylor’s new album, “Speak Now.”  But just as much as her singable music, I am grateful for the role model she is to young girls.  Self-assured, enormously talented, vulnerable, and honest – we can’t ask for a better superstar for our girls to look up to.

Weddings. Weddings are beautiful.  I don’t care if it’s the wedding of a close relative, best girlfriend, or stranger – I never get sick of hearing about weddings.  And I must not be alone given the number of wedding-related shows on TV.  Lucky for all of us wedding aficionados, we are going to have lots to be grateful for next year thanks to Prince William and his Princess-to-be.

 

Pretty wedding feet

 

 

Good Photography. I’m not a good photographer, but I sure appreciate people who are.  I never tire of looking at photographs: old ones, new ones, ones with people, ones with animals – it doesn’t matter.  I’m grateful that I have friends who are awesome photographers, and thankful that I have a camera of my own.

Cherry Chapstick. Even before Katy Perry sang about kissing a girl with Cherry Chapstick (and liking it), I have been a fan myself.  I have a stick in every room in my house, in my car, in my purse, and in my office.  It smells good, works great, and makes the cold winters a little more bearable.

 

mmmmm...cherry chapstick

What are you grateful for?

 

 

 

 

 

Why I Let My Kids Watch Glee

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As you may already know, I love the TV show Glee.  I have written several posts on it previously, including a post about why everybody should be tuning in on Tuesday nights.  But when I wrote that post, I was thinking more about adults than kids.  As this season has gone on, I have become more convinced that it is an excellent family show as well.  It is a hotly debated topic – whether or not to let children watch the show – but I have reached my own verdict: It is just too good to let my kids pass up.

Last week’s episode was a great example of why the subject matter in Glee is so important for kids.  The characters tackled the tough issue of bullying.  In the story Kurt, a young, gay, male character struggles with constant and prolonged bullying from a classmate.  He tries several strategies to deal with the bully (ignoring him, confronting him, talking sensibly to him) with confusing, and not terribly effective results.  As painful and frustrating as it was to watch this storyline unfold, I found it reflective of real life.  When I talk to boys and girls in my practice about coping with bullying, their efforts frequently end the same way.  Sometimes they work for a bit, sometimes they make the bullying worse, but the suffering of the bullied remains a constant.

I also love to watch Glee with my kids because they are exposed to different lifestyles (gay, straight, questioning), different religious beliefs (Christian, Jewish, atheist), different styles of dress and demeanor (nerd, jock, butch, cheerleader), and different levels of ability (wheelchair-bound, able-bodied, intellectually disabled).  And the best part is that these differences are not always the main focus of the show.  The various characters and their unique attributes are simply part of the greater storyline, song, or dance.  It makes McKinley High School a place we all might aspire to be.

Stress in America – Stress Tip #7 – Ask for Help

For the last week I have been posting stress management tips.  But what should you do when you’ve tried them all (and lots of others) and you are still feeling more stressed and overwhelmed than you would like? It might be time to seek a professional.  I’m often asked how one knows when it is time to see a psychologist; here are some ideas:

  • You’ve tried several strategies on your own to manage your stress (or sadness, or worry, or fears) and nothing seems to work
  • Your stress is starting to interfere with your relationships and your work
  • You’re not enjoying life the way you once did (or wish you could)
  • You’re starting to notice physical manifestations of your stress (headaches, muscle aches, stomach aches, problems sleeping, etc)
  • You’re starting to use not-so-healthy behaviors to deal with your stress.  Maybe you’ve started drinking more alcohol, smoking cigarettes, eating to excess, not eating enough, spending too much, etc
  • You just feel like you need a fresh set of eyes to help make sense of the struggles in your life

If the above are happening, try meeting with a psychologist.  Often just a few sessions are enough to gain a new perspective on life, and to learn some new strategies for stress reduction.  Don’t know where to begin?  Check out my post on making your first appointment with a psychologist.


Stress in America – Stress Tip #6 – Shake Your Booty, Baby!

Last night I was interviewed on 850 KOA.  The hosts of the show asked me lots of questions about APA’s Stress in America survey.  They also asked lots of questions about how to manage stress – probably the most frequent question I get asked, both from reporters and in my clinical practice.  When giving tips, I have my stock answers, but I also try to come up with some new, different ideas for folks who need a fresh breath of stress-free air.

So, last night as I was waiting on the line for my interview to start I started to think about the radio, and its importance in stress management.  Who among us hasn’t enjoyed listening to new hits or favorite oldies?  Whether you sing out loud or lip synch to your favorite tunes – there are few better forms of stress relief.

And if you really want to get the maximum stress relief from the music you love – shake your booty too.  Of all the tips I have mentioned over the last week, dancing, singing, and losing yourself in music is surely the most enjoyable.