Author: drstephaniesmith

Life Through the Eyes of a Psychologist

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother – a Review

3 Comments

You probably heard about this book when it came out last year and made a big splash.  People all over the country were talking about it and ripping the author, Amy Chua, to shreds.  I’d been meaning to read the book, and finally did yesterday (yes, all in one day) after being reminded of it on the Today Show earlier this week.

Here’s the deal: I LOVED the book!  It is a witty, funny, and enlightening read.  I highly recommend it.  As Ms. Chua noted on the Today Show (sorry I couldn’t find the clip), most of the people who criticized her parenting style and book, probably hadn’t read it.  The criticisms were mostly that her “Chinese style of mothering” was too harsh and dictatorial.  Ms. Chua freely admits that she has extremely high expectations of her two daughters and reprimands them, berates them, and puts them down when they don’t meet her expectations.  She notes, however, that this is out of love, a strong desire to see them succeed, a belief that they have the ability to excel in all areas, and an expectation that when they leave her home for the “real world” they will thrive on their own.

I’m not sure I would call this autobiography/memoir a parenting book, in that it doesn’t include step-by-step instructions on how to raise children in the “Chinese” method.  But that’s OK with me, because as I have written before, I am no fan of parenting books in general.  Here’s why I prefer Ms. Chua’s book to some of the other, perhaps more popular, parenting books on the shelves:

She’s humble and admits mistakes.  Being a parent means failing – a lot.  We say the wrong things to our kids, our partners, and other parents all the time.  However, very few parenting books recognize this.  Ms. Chua is quite forthcoming in her failures and resulting guilt.  It’s refreshing to hear someone be so honest.

One size doesn’t fit all.  One of the main points of the book is that the parenting style that works for her older daughter doesn’t work for the younger one, no matter how much she tried.  Yet another point that is missing in many parenting books.  Kids are different for pete’s sake.  Of course a discipline/motivation technique that worked with one kid might not work with the next.

Kids might be stronger than we give them credit for.  Ms. Chua asserts that “Western” parents sometimes assume that kids are fragile and their egos will be wounded if not given constant praise, even if that praise isn’t really earned.  She notes that “Chinese” parents assume their kids are strong, competent, and can withstand criticism of all kinds – in fact it will likely make them stronger.  I think this is an interesting idea.  Is it true that some of us with “Western” parenting styles coddle our kids too much?

Regardless of whether you agree with Ms. Chua’s tough, take-no-prisoners parenting style this book is a worthwhile read.  Not only is it super entertaining, it will also broaden your idea of what it means to be a parent in different cultures.  There are lots of ways to raise happy, healthy, and successful kids – and her way might just be one you want to consider.

Update: Amy Chua was kind enough to forward me a more recent piece of her’s which appeared in the Wall Street Journal in December 2011.  Take a look at how Tiger parenting works for the college kid (it sounds like a breeze!).  Thanks, Ms. Chua for forwarding this along!

New dads and depression

1 Comment

We hear about postpartum depression in moms all the time.  We hear about it on the nightly news when things go really bad, we read about it in Us Weekly when a celebrity talks about her post-baby experiences, and good ob/gyns and pediatricians screen for it in new moms.  But where do the dads fit in?  Do they ever suffer from depression after their new little one arrives? You bet.

While the cause of new dad depression can’t be blamed on hormone swings and post-delivery discomfort, it still exists.   Just as moms struggle to get used to the challenges a baby brings, so do dads.  Over the years I have heard many concerns of new dads.  Some the same and some different from the concerns of new moms.  Some of the most common include:

  • How am I going to financially support my growing family?
  • How can I connect with my baby when he is being breastfed by his mom?  Where is my place with a newborn?
  • I find my baby boring, I thought being a dad would be more fun.
  • I miss my wife, she is so pre-occupied with the baby she doesn’t have time for me.
  • I don’t want to make the same parenting mistakes my dad and mom made.
  • I miss my freedom.  Will I ever get it back?
  • I am freaking exhausted!

So what can families do to help support new dads struggling with mood changes? Perhaps the most important thing is to find someone to talk to.  Another family member or friend who has been through the newborn baby stage might be a good bet.  If that doesn’t work, a few visits to a mental health professional may be helpful.   Pediatricians and primary care providers can often provide good referrals.

Just as with new moms, time away from dad and husband duties can be rejuvenating.  Reinstating “boys night out” or nightly weightlifting sessions can be good for the mind and body.  Talking openly with the baby’s mom about struggles and concerns is also advisable.  And as with postpartum depression in moms, dads with depression should be monitored for significant changes in mood or anxiety levels so that appropriate treatment can be undertaken.

New Baby and Post Partum Depression

5 Comments

I’m still here! Though it’s been a while since I have posted (2 weeks I think?) I am still around – just with an extra family member to care for. I’m happy to announce the birth of my beautiful son! Crazy! I never thought I would have a boy as we’ve only had girls in the family for as long as anyone can remember. I am so excited to learn all about boys and the challenges that come along with parenting them! (hints and tips welcome!)

As I get to know my new baby, deal with a post-pregnancy body, and continue to care for my other two children, I have been thinking a lot about moms who are affected by postpartum depression.  It’s such a serious and prevalent disorder, and one that can be hard to treat – often because moms don’t let providers, loved ones, or other support systems know they are struggling.  Some moms might feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit that welcoming a new baby is anything less than a wonderful experience.  But it can be hard – super hard – what with the crazy hormones, change in family dynamics, lack of sleep, pain from childbirth, trouble with feeding, etc.

I found this helpful article from the Mayo Clinic about postpartum depression – including warning signs and when to seek help:

Postpartum Depression: Signs & Treatment

 

Learning to Apologize

There are lots of reasons to apologize.  Mean words have been said, thoughtless actions have been taken, no action has been taken at all, the list could go on and on.  We’ve had an especially active week of apologizing at my house.  Perhaps it’s the lack of routine and structure that goes along with the holiday week, or maybe it’s just all the junk food that has been consumed.  Whatever the reason, we’ve had lots of practice apologizing this week.

So, how do we teach our kids to apologize.  What’s more, how do we work on the skill as adults?  It’s certainly something we all need to do from time to time.

Make it quick.  For apologies to be meaningful, they need to happen pretty quickly.  Not necessarily right away, as it’s good to think about what you want to say in your apology and actually feel genuine about it, but within a day or two for sure.

Make it brief.  There’s generally no need to go on and on with our apologies.  Short and sweet can be the most effective.  “I’m sorry.  I was wrong” can be very effective. Luckily short apologies tend to be easier to offer, too, especially for little ones.

Write it down.  One of my favorite ways to get kids to apologize and really focus on the meaning behind the apology is to write a letter.   If your family is extra creative, you can even include a hand drawn picture.  The other good thing about an apology letter is that it can be saved and used at a later time, as in: “Remember when you had to write this letter apologizing for having a bad attitude?  Do you really want to have to do that again?”

Say it often.  I have written many times about the importance of apologizing as a parent.  Giving our kids the opportunity to watch us apologize (to our partner, our neighbors, our friends, our children) demonstrates to them how to make a good apology happen.  I think it’s also true that the more we say “I’m sorry” the easier it becomes.

 

New Tips for Tantruming Toddlers

Image by origamidon

Have you heard about the new research out of Yale University suggesting that how many of us respond to our toddlers’ temper tantrums is all wrong?  If you haven’t read about Dr. Alan Kazdin and others’ research, check it out here.  Among other things, Dr. Kazdin encourages parents to pay attention to what’s happening before the tantrum (i.e., the child is hungry or tired) and do what you can to fix that situation before a meltdown occurs.  He also suggests we totally ignore the tantrum, but be effusive with our praise when our child behaves how we want them to (i.e., “Jill, I am so pleased that when I asked you to sit down at the table you did it right away. Nice job.”).

Dr. Michelle Borba (one of my favorite parenting experts) posted an article on her blog today chock full of tips for parents of toddlers.  Check it out here.  I don’t want to re-invent the wheel, and don’t feel I have a whole lot to add about how to deal with kids who are losing it.  I do, however, have some thoughts about how parents can manage their own emotions when their child is about to explode.

Your child doesn’t hate you.  While it may seem that your 3 year old loathes you and everything you stand for, it is extremely unlikely that that’s actually the case.  Tantrums don’t equal hate, they just equal a frustrated toddler with few communication skills trying to exert their independence.  It’s not personal.

You’re not a bad parent.  Tantrums are a good thing.  Seriously.  It means your child is developing normally and starting to exert her will in the world.  None of us want to raise a pushover, right?  While there are times when temper tantrums may signal a more serious problem, and there are certainly better ways for dealing with them than others, the fact that they exist doesn’t mean you’ve failed at parenting.

The tantrums will end.  Barring serious injury or disability, your child will stop having toddler-like tantrums, I promise.  While tweens and teens have super frustrating behaviors of their own (eye-rolling, anyone?) flailing on the floor and crying is rarely one of them.  Hang in there and it will improve.

Happy Parenting!

 

 

Responding to Kids’ Tough Questions

Image by: AphasiaFilms

As my children grow older, I notice that I am increasingly at a loss for words. Questions like “How did that baby get in your belly?” and “Why don’t you have a nose ring?” have me stymied. I want to be honest with my kids, but age appropriate too. In addition, I want them to learn tolerance and that different people believe and like different things and that’s OK. Put all these desires together, and it can be hard to answer the tough questions – especially on a moment’s notice.

So, how to respond in these moments without sounding preachy or like a total moron?  Here are some of my favorite parental comebacks. I have memorized these statements, and find them quite useful when no other words seem to suffice:

Wow, you worked really hard on that. This statement can be used when responding to an art project, a report on vampires, or a homemade birthday card gone awry. We don’t always need to praise our children for their work (i.e., “That is the most beautiful spider/pumpkin/race car I have ever seen.”) but it is important to acknowledge their effort – even when the outcome is questionable.

Why do you ask? This is a great comeback to all manner of questions related to sex, drugs, drinking, and other tough subjects. For example: “Mom, did you ever use drugs when you were younger?” Instead of panicking, then launching into an explanation as to why you did or didn’t, and how that relates to your children – try “Why do you ask?” instead. Not only will it buy you some time, it will also get to the heart of the issue (i.e., someone offered your child drugs, they saw a movie about drugs at school, etc).

That’s something! I am told I say this a lot.  I think I say it when I want to say something negative or punishing, but know that might not be in my, or the recipient’s, best interest. Here’s a – totally random of course – example. Young child writes “I LOVE YOU MOM” on their dining room chair – in permanent marker.

Work it out.  I say this one a lot, too. To my own kids, to neighborhood kids, to school friends. I find that it is generally not helpful to interfere in kids’ arguments. Not only is it good for them to learn to work things out on their own, they also have shorter memories and fewer hurt feelings than grown ups. Something that a 6 year old gets over in 2 minutes, might take me 2 years.

Do you have any favorite comebacks to the kids in your life?

Helping Families Learn from Penn State

1 Comment

As I sat glued to Sports Center last night listening to the news about Penn State, Joe Paterno, and the rioting student body I was horrified.  I know folks around the country share in my revulsion, disappointment, and grief over the events of the past week (and 15 years).  And it’s pretty clear the details of the abuse of young boys and the fallout for all involved are just beginning.

I am a firm believer that all things DON’T happen for a reason.  What reason could there possibly be for mass sexual assault on children?  However, I do believe that we can learn from most, if not all, experiences – even horrendous ones.  There’s a lot we can learn from the mess at Penn State, including:

It’s all of our jobs to protect the children in our midst.  It’s not enough to tell a supervisor or a colleague or a buddy when abuse is suspected.  Contacting the police or social services is essential – even if it feels awkward, or weird, or like a betrayal.

Stereotypes aren’t always accurate.  We all have stereotypes of what a child molester looks like, what a “pervert” looks like, and what a man sexually attracted to boys looks like.  The Penn State coach accused of abusing 8+ boys most likely didn’t fit any of our stereotypes.  Sometimes child abusers (and rapists, and murderers, and arsonists) look creepy and suspicious – sometimes they look just like us.

Parents have to talk to their children about abuse of all kinds.  I’m not sure a child is ever too young to begin talking about personal safety.  While conversations should be age-appropriate, the best way to get kids to understand the importance keeping safe and telling someone if they’re not, is talking about it early and often.  With the Penn State situation in the news, now is a perfect time to sit your kids down and talk about what abuse is, and what to do if they feel unsafe (tell you, a teacher, a principal, etc).

For more ideas about how to talk to kids about sexual abuse, click here here and here:

 

 

Teen Sex and Glee

3 Comments

Oh boy.  Last night’s Glee was a good one, and chock full of great potential blog topics: love triangles forming, childhood dreams dashed, and underage

Image: Glee on Fox

drinking.  For those who devoured watched last night’s episode though, it’s obvious that the most important topic was teen sex.  Rachel and Finn (Finchel) and Kurt and Blaine (Klaine) both “did it” for the first time in the episode – storylines that are burning up the blogosphere at this very moment (read some of the buzz here here and here).

Here’s my two cents:  In the best of all possible worlds, teenagers wouldn’t be thinking about such weighty topics as sexual relationships, pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and sexual orientation.  Instead they would be busy singing and dancing, running and playing, reading and writing.  But, we don’t live in a fantasy world: we live here.  And where I live, teens have sex on the brain.  Almost all the time.  And guess what?  It’s been that way for a long time – generations in fact.  To deny this is dangerous and narrow-minded, and can lead to some scary consequences for teens and parents (unwanted pregnancies, life-threatning diseases, sexual abuse, and more).

So while I would have liked to see at least one of the couples decide to wait to have sex (in the interest of showing both sides of the argument), I think the folks over at Glee did a nice job portraying Finchel and Klaine’s first times.  Safe sex was discussed, the pros and cons of sexual intimacy were presented, and no hot-and-heavy scenes were shown.  Moving forward, I hope the writers include the heartbreak and regret that can – and often does – accompany a teen’s first sexual experience.  In the interest of showing teen sexuality as it really exists, I think this is essential.  Perhaps Rachel might begin to regret the event, Blaine might become jealous of Kurt’s other friends, Finn might realize that sex with Rachel isn’t all that much fun, or someone posts details of the event on Facebook.  I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what’s in store in the episodes to come.

In the meantime, here are some ideas for talking to the teens in your life about sex:

Mayo Clinic

Dr. Laura Berman

Psychology Today

Glee, Twilight, Harry Potter and Stress Management

This week I have been talking about the chronic economic stress many of us have been under for the past 3+ years. Yesterday I wrote about the importance of taking action – actually doing something – as an essential part of maintaining mental health through tough times.  Today, I have another tip: maintain a rich fantasy life.  This may seem a little silly on the surface, but as you look around you will notice that many of us are already doing it.  Ever wonder why this story took the world by storm:

Image: Warner Bros Pictures

What about this one?

Image: Stephenie Meyer

It’s not just that J.K. Rowling is a brilliant storyteller, or that Edward Cullen is super-dreamy, it’s also that escaping our individual realities – whatever they may be – is a great way to manage stress.  And thanks to the internet, many of us have almost constant, immediate access to whichever fantasies make us forget the woes of the day.

Now, I’m not suggesting we should duck our responsibilities and spend our days obsessing over the new Twilight movie:

or memorizing the moves of a certain Glee star:

But what I am suggesting is that a little escapism can be good for the mind and body – particularly when the stressors in life become hard to bear.

So whether it’s:

or

Image: Magic the Gathering

Let your imagination run wild and know that it’s time well spent.

Managing Chronic Economic Stress

1 Comment

In yesterday’s post, I talked about the difference between acute and chronic economic stress.  I concluded that most of us are squarely in the “chronic stress” category when it comes to our financial lives.

One of the things that I mentioned were the dangers of feeling hopeless and helpless in terms of doing anything to change one’s circumstances.  It makes sense then, that Tip #1 for managing chronic economic stress is to DO SOMETHING.  Or at the very least, hitch yourself to someone else who is doing something.  Working on a political campaign you believe in, volunteering for an organization helping people even more hard hit than you, taking a class on managing personal finance – doing something always feels better than doing nothing. Not only that, it can help you maintain your mental health by warding off those hopeless/helpless feelings.

Need a jumpstart?  Check out Starbucks’ new initiative (which starts today, how perfect is that?):

Starbucks is donating five million dollars to seed a fund at the Opportunity Finance Network, which in turn will provide capital grants to select Community Development Financial Institutions (CDFIs). The CDFIs will provide loans to underserved community businesses, including: small business loans, community center financing, housing project financing and microfinance.

 

Stay tuned for more tips as the week goes on.