Author: drstephaniesmith

Life Through the Eyes of a Psychologist

A Month of Moms

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Welcome to Moms’ Month on Dr. Stephanie! This month I will be featuring guest posts from some awesome moms around the country.  They will be sharing tips, tricks, and funny stories about motherhood.  This will be a fun celebration – thanks for joining us!

I am kicking off Moms’ Month with my own tip for moms of young kids.  In addition to being a clinical psychologist in Colorado, I am also a mom of three kiddos.  A most humbling, challenging, and agonizing experience, becoming a mom has also been the most fun journey of my life.  Here goes:

No generation of moms is perfect.  We all love our kids, but we all make mistakes.  Some of the mistakes, we KNOW are mistakes at the time.  For example, when I recently told my daughter that I didn’t care if she ever did homework, I pretty much knew it was a mistake as soon as it came out of my mouth.  Other mistakes take years, or even decades to recognize.  I’m thinking of Mad Men-era moms who drank and smoked while pregnant, and 70’s moms who drove their kids around untethered in the backs of their station wagons.  These moms loved their kids just as we do, but just didn’t have the same information we have today.

So, what will our generation’s big mistake be?  Here’s my best guess: our incessant cell phone, laptop, and i-pad use.  Not so much the overuse of these gadgets, but the way many of us use them when we really should be paying attention to our kids.  For example, at the dinner table, when we pick them up from school, during school performances, during bedtimes, etc.  It’s alarming that many of us (me included) put off or outright ignore our kids so that we can catch up on Facebook.  This is a great way to ensure that our kids will be complaining to a psychologist in a couple of decades that they were never heard, not appreciated, and thus don’t know how to really love.  Ok, I’m exaggerating – but it’s a possibility for sure.

So my advice to moms is this: Put the electronics down and listen, play with, and engage with your kids.  Days might go by slowly, but years go by fast, and pretty soon the kids will be off doing their own thing, and we will pine for the days they couldn’t wait to share the intricacies of their days.  Facebook can wait, and so can email.  Our kids can’t.

Should I Take My Child to a Psychologist?

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Making the decision to take our kids to see a psychologist can feel huge.  And it is.  Particularly because we are usually making that decision in times of stress, worry, and frustration.  Very few people sign up for therapy when life is going well.

So, how does a parent know when a trip to a psychologist is warranted?

They ask.  Believe it or not, therapy and mental health has become such a part of popular culture, that kids often ask their parents if they can see a psychologist, counselor, or “go talk to someone.”  If your kids are asking, it’s probably a good idea to oblige.

Their behavior has changed.  All kids change, grow, and go through different phases as they age.  But if you notice particularly concerning or abrupt changes in your child’s behavior or emotions, it’s probably a good idea to get it checked out.  Some examples might include: increasing isolation, significant irritability, tearfulness, lack of interest in previously enjoyable activities, prolonged trouble with friends, sudden refusal to go to school, marked change in grades, or change in ability to get along with you and/or siblings.

There are more bad days than good ones.  Family strife can creep up on us.  Sometimes we don’t notice how much of a struggle togetherness and getting along has become.  But if you stop and think about it, and then realize there are more fights and angry exchanges going on than you would like, it might be time to get some assistance.

Your gut tells you to.  Mother’s (and father’s) intuition is usually right.  We are pretty good at paying attention to it when we have newborns, but sometimes lose track of it as our kids age and become more complicated.  So, it you’ve been thinking about giving therapy a try, it’s probably a good idea.

Some things to keep in mind about therapy:

  • It doesn’t mean you are weak or a bad parent.  In fact, it can mean the opposite – that you are aware, engaged, and taking an active role in your child’s life.
  • It doesn’t have to last forever.  In fact, many folks attend just a few sessions of therapy before noticing significant improvement in family life.
  • It doesn’t mean your child will be “labeled.”  Because of confidentiality laws, psychologists cannot disclose what is discussed during appointments, or even if you attended one at all (with a few exceptions).

 

Psychology, Self Esteem, and Photoshop

Photo via People Magazine

Do you recognize this celebrity?  I didn’t, even though she’s one of my favorites.  Believe it or not, it’s Taylor Swift.  She’s not retouched in this photo, and is sans makeup as well.  Still cute as a button, but certainly not the image we’re used to seeing.

Every few months a new story pops up about the absurdly doctored photographs of celebs and models that show up in magazines and on-line.  For some reason this article on Shine really caught my attention.  The images of Princess Kate and Britney Spears are particularly ridiculous.

It’s important we, as adults, see these photos.  But it’s perhaps even more important that we show them to the young girls in our lives.  Super thin arms, legs, and torsos balancing buoyant breasts and bums just isn’t natural – or biologically possible – for anyone but Barbie.  And even though we might “know” this intellectually, it is helpful to have a reminder every once in a while that even the most glamorous, sexy women have cellulite and blemished skin.

Appreciating what we have, downplaying what we don’t, and working towards achievable goals are all important aspects of mental health.  By understanding that many media photos are simply fantastical images born on the screen of a Photoshop-wielding graphic design intern, we can all feel a little more confident in our own skin.

 

The Mommy Wars – Get Over It!

Did you hear about Hilary Rosen, the woman who seemed to discount Ann Romney because she has never “worked a day in her life?”  The internet sort of blew up after this comment.  With good reason.  Why anyone would say something like this about a person who raised 5 boys and is married to a politician (isn’t that a job itself?) is beyond me.  Perhaps it was a goof, maybe she got a little nervous during her live TV interview and it just slipped out.  Maybe not.  Maybe Ms. Rosen, like so many other women before her got caught up in the “Mommy Wars” which pit woman against woman in the argument about whether it is better/harder/more worthwhile to work inside or outside of the home.

Seriously, can’t this issue be over already?  It’s been going on for decades, and no one ever wins.  I have two thoughts about this on-going and fruitless debate:

1. Most women are too busy doing whatever it is they do (raise children, take care of parents, sell cars, write books, make dinner) to engage in this debate or really care about how other women choose to spend their time.

2.  The vast majority of women (and men) are doing the best they can with what they have.  The Mommy Wars debate has always struck me as elitist and irrelevant to a huge percentage of families.  What about the women who have absolutely no choice but to work?  What about the women who would love to work but don’t have access to jobs, childcare, or the skills needed to find one?

Get over it ladies, gentleman, and the media especially.  We all have too much work to do.

Gossip: Not Just Bad Manners

Everyone gossips sometimes.  Even me.  Why?  It can be sort of fun.  It can make us feel better about ourselves.  It can help us feel connected to the person we’re gossiping with.  These are all good things.  So, is gossip really that bad?

Yes.  I really think it is that bad.

I believe gossip is bad for our mental health for a number of reasons, including:

1. It takes our focus away from the positives of life and makes us focus on the negatives

2. It encourages us to assume the worst in people, and causes us to doubt people’s intentions, motives, and the effort they put into their lives

3.  It can really screw up relationships if word of your gossiping gets out (and it very often does)

4.  It makes you feel crummy after the gossiping is over

5.  It does absolutely nothing to improve the state of our lives, our communities, and our world

So what if we made a pledge to stop gossiping for even a day or a week?  Would that change anything?  My bet is it would.  Try giving up the gossip for a week and notice if it makes a difference in how you feel about yourself and the people around you.  I bet it will make a difference about how they feel about you!

Need some ideas about how to stop gossiping?  Check out this article on the blog Tiny Buddha: How To Stop Gossiping and Creating Drama.

 

 

 

 

Playing Outside with Preschoolers: We’re Not Doing Enough

Did you see this new study which found that nearly half of all pre-schoolers in the U.S. don’t get outside to play each day?  The findings were presented in the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine just a couple of days ago.  The folks over at CNN’s The Chart wrote a piece about the findings and suggested that parents make sure their children’s daycare providers provide outside time each day, and parents need to get outside with them, too.  Outside play is important for some obvious reasons: it helps with weight management and physical fitness.  It’s also essential that kids get enough Vitamin D and work on their motor skills.

That’s all well and good, but sometimes it’s tough to think of fun things to do outside – and by fun I mean for the kid AND the parent.  I’d love to hear about some of the things you enjoy doing with your kiddos outside.  Here are some of my faves:

pulling weeds/gardening/raking

playing “tennis” in the driveway

kicking around a soccer ball (or any kind of ball)

drawing with sidewalk chalk

going on nature walks – i.e., noticing the plants, animals, sky around you, collecting bugs

playing hopscotch

playing follow-the-leader

window shopping around an outdoor mall/shopping center

Experts recommend 60 minutes of outdoor activity time per day for the preschool set.  Remember, it doesn’t have to be done all at once.  20 minutes here and there really add up!

Chores: They’re Never Too Young to Start Them

OK, maybe my 4 month old is a bit young to start changing his own diaper or dusting his room, but not by much!  Chores are great for kids and families for several reasons: they teach them responsibility and make your load a bit lighter (at least in theory).  Parents often underestimate what their kids can do for themselves, and the variety of ways they can help throughout the home.  I was recently quoted in an article about chores in the Yuma Sun.  Check it out:

So how does a parent choose chores for their kids?  Perhaps you should start with the things you don’t like to do! Putting laundry away, emptying all or part of the dishwasher, sweeping the kitchen – these are all tasks that even very young kiddos can complete.

Need some help staying organized?  Check out this cool website that offers free chore charts.

News-Induced Depression

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How do you get your news?  Do you watch the nightly broadcast?  Read it on Google, Yahoo!, or AOL?  Glance at it on Twitter or Facebook?  Read the (gasp!) old-fashioned print version of your city’s paper?

I’m not a huge news person.  Meaning, I don’t watch cable news, I don’t read a newspaper regularly, and I don’t troll the internet for the latest breaking news items from around the world.  Instead, I’m probably like a lot of people.  I pick the news up here, there, and all around in bits and pieces.  It probably doesn’t make me the most informed  person, but it works.

But even in my semi-ignorant state, I still get News-Induced Depression from time to time.  This isn’t a diagnosis recognized in the DSM-IV or by any scientific body of researchers, but I think it is real nonetheless.  Here are some of the symptoms:

  • Feeling sad, down, and/or tearful after hearing about a news event
  • Continuing to think about news event over the course of several days or weeks, causing a deflation of mood
  • Fear for safety of family and/or self (over and above the ordinary level of concern) for several days or weeks after hearing about news event
  • Desire to either learn as much as possible about the news event or ignore all information about the event
  • Experience an increased level of overall anxiety, nervousness, and/or worry in the days and weeks following learning about the news event

Have you ever experienced News-Induced Depression?  If so, what are the stories that typically cause it?  Are you affected more by personal tragedies and traumas (i.e., rapes, murders, etc) or by political scandals, corruptions, and disappointments?  How do you deal with it?

 

Failure is a Good Thing

Photo via: loyal_oak

I wrote a post over at Your Mind. Your Body. earlier this week about some new research just released from the American Psychological Association.  For someone like me – an anti-perfectionist (slacker? lover of mistakes? fan of failure?) the news was great.  In a nutshell the French researchers found that children who struggled, failed, and squirmed their way through tough academic assignments performed better on subsequent academic tasks.  The authors concluded that struggle and failure in school is actually a good thing in terms of future performance. What a relief!

I am so pleased to hear this because I am a big fan of flailing and failing, and making mis-steps and mistakes.  Perhaps it’s because I have made so many of them myself over the years, or maybe it’s because perfection simultaneously intimidates and bores me.  Either way,  I’m always looking for reasons to avoid it (perfectionism) and embrace the opposite.

So what can we take from this research?

The math homework doesn’t need to be done to perfection every night to get something out of it

Having some cooking disasters shouldn’t keep us from continuing to bake

Letting our kids watch us fail, may help them learn to fail with grace and humor – which may actually benefit their school performance down the road

For more tips about how to make use of this study, check out my post: Learning is Hard and That’s OK

Laptop Shooting Dad: No Different Than the Rest of Us?

Have you heard about the dad who recently shot up his teenage daughter’s laptop because of some unflattering things she wrote about her parents on Facebook?  Not only did he fire shots into the computer, he also filmed himself doing it and posted the video online.  As someone who does not see a lot of gunfire in everyday life, I have to admit the footage is a little alarming.  The dad’s rage, anger, and disappointment are clearly visible in his rant before the shooting, but after watching this interview with the dad and his family I’m wondering if he is much different than any other overwhelmed parent?  It’s easy to criticize other people’s parenting styles from afar, but is all the criticism of this dad really justified?  Sure firing a gun at anything can be scary, and his tactic of “you’re criticizing me in public, so now I’m doing the same to you” is a little childish, but really – what parent hasn’t reacted in a childish way when pushed?

Some things to keep in mind when judging the laptop (or any other) dad:

Being a parent is super hard, and we all get pushed further than we’d like sometimes.  This is not to say that all parents are abusive, or do harmful things to their kids (and I’m certainly not ok’ing abusive parenting techniques).  But I know there isn’t a parent around who hasn’t said something or done something they regret in a moment of frustration or anger.  Heck, just last week I told my daughter I didn’t care if she ever completed any of her homework again.  Oops!

Parenting in the age of technology is something we’re all learning on the fly.  None of us parents now can refer back to how our own parents dealt with: at what age to buy kids cellphones, how much texting is too much, how to navigate privacy and safety issues on Facebook, etc.  Yea, there are resources out there, but in essence, we’re all making it up as we go, so it’s not a surprise that we make some (or a lot) of missteps along the way.

Being negative and criticizing others doesn’t do much for our mental health.  I have recently written a couple of posts (here and here) about the damaging effects of negativity in the workplace.  Negativity towards other parents and families is no different.  Resist the urge to badmouth others and use that energy to work on your on family’s challenges.