Author: drstephaniesmith

Life Through the Eyes of a Psychologist

Stress in America – Stress Tip #5 – Laugh!!

I love, love, love to laugh.  And lucky for me, it is a super-effective stress management strategy.  Not only have researchers told us that laughter really can be good medicine – it is also free and FUN!  Unfortunately, one of the things that often happens when we are stressed, worried, or overwhelmed is that we either a) stop seeking out funny things b) lose our senses of humor c) move around too quickly to notice the funny things in life.

So, for today’s tip, try laughing.  Sometimes we have to fake it (and that’s OK, it’s still effective) as in laughing yoga.  Other times we just have to find those things that we think are funny.  Need some help? Here are some of my favorites:

What are the funny things that make you laugh?


Stress in America – Stress Tip #4 – Give Yourself Permission to…

One of the most frequently heard words in my office is “should.”  As in, “I know I should do yoga,” “I know I should spend more time with my in-laws,” “I know I shouldn’t TiVo Oprah everyday,” “I know I should be more _________ (confident, in shape, intimate, happy, outgoing, relaxed, grateful – you get the idea).

So, my stress tip for the day is: give yourself a break from the “shoulds” and give yourself permission to be what you are.  Maybe what you are is shy, chubby, or excitable.  Sure, there is room for all of us to make improvements, but there is also room for us to work on accepting ourselves for what we are, where we are.  Give it a shot: ban “should” from your vocabulary today and see if it makes a difference.


Stress in America – Stress Tip #3 – Try Something New

I recently wrote a post about the importance of hobbies in lowering stress.  Hobbies are awesome – they are just for fun, not related to work, and give us pleasure.  But if your old hobbies just aren’t doing the trick in lowering your stress levels, what can you do? Try something new!

Rock climbing, knitting, speed walking, baking, crossword puzzles – it can be just about anything – as long as it’s new to you.  The benefits of learning new skills can be many, including:

  • Distracting you from the stressors in your life.  I recently took up sewing and it takes so much concentration and mental effort that I don’t have the brain power to think about anything else.  It’s the perfect antidote to a tough day.
  • Keeping your brain healthy.  Want to keep your mind sharp and your memory intact?  Researchers and clinicians recommend staying mentally fit, and what better way to do that than learn something new?
  • Expanding your world.  I have a friend who recently started cross country skiing.  She has been amazed at the new experiences that have opened up to her since she started hitting the trails.  She has met new and different kinds of people, has subscribed to new magazines and blogs, and is now planning vacations around her new passion.   What could be better than that?

Stress in America – Stress Tip #2 – Do Nothing But Eat

As I mentioned yesterday, I am marking yesterday’s American Psychological Association release of their annual Stress in America survey with a week’s worth of easy, free, and do-able stress management tips.  We all may be able to come up with excuses for not going to yoga, writing in a gratitude journal, or meditating for 30 minutes before we leave for work – but my tips are so super easy, that I dare you to come up with a legitimate excuse not to give at least a couple of them a try!

Today’s Tip:

Do nothing but eat. A naturopathic physician friend of mine told me a few years ago that when I eat a meal, I should do nothing but eat.  No watching TV, checking email, flipping through a magazine, paying bills,  or driving.  I must have looked at her like she was speaking another language – the concept seemed so radical to me!  But in thinking about it more over the years, it makes so much sense to actually give ourselves a few minutes a few times a day to sit down, enjoy our food, and relax before we start our next task.  Of course we know that sharing a meal and conversation with family and friends is great, too; but for those meals you eat alone – give it a try.  Do you notice a difference in your stress level? The amount you enjoy your meal? A change in the quantity of what you eat?

Stress in America 2010 – Stress Tip #1

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The American Psychological Association released its annual Stress in America survey today.  There are lots of ways to look at the results but the long and short of it is that we Americans are stressed most of the time.  We’re worried about money, work, and how to support our families.  We’re suffering from chronic diseases that could be at least in part due to our high stress levels, and most certainly contribute to those high levels of stress.

The study finds that most of us know what we should be doing to manage our stress better, but often fall short in our goals to actually make those good behaviors happen.  Even though I spend a good part of each day helping people manage the stress and worries in their lives, I have yet to become an expert myself.  I can stress out, freak out, and lose it with the best of them.  But in the spirit of better mental health, I am going to spend the next 7 days offering up some easy, free, and completely do-able stress management tips – for all of us to try.

Tip #1

Breathe. There is a fantastic physician down the street from my office who tells all her patients to take 5 deep breaths 2 times per day.  I love this tip.  It is so easy, but amazingly effective.  Set your watch, computer, or phone to go off  a couple of times throughout the day, stop what you are doing and take 5 deep breaths.  When I teach kids to do this I tell them to pretend they are blowing on a dandelion that has gone to seed – use all your power and see how far you can make those seeds go!

Are You Ready to Have a Child on Facebook?

Previously I have written about how to determine whether your child is ready for Facebook.  But what about us parents? How do we know when we are ready to parent a “Facebooker”?  Determining if you are ready, as a parent, to shoulder the responsibility of having a child with a Facebook account is perhaps even more important than determining if your child is ready.  After all, it is up to us to set the rules, set the boundaries, and – most importantly – set a good example for our children.

How do you know if you are ready?

  • Be an expert yourself. It is absolutely imperative that before you allow your child to set up a Facebook (or any other social networking) account, you must understand the technology yourself.  In fact, I recommend that all parents with children on Facebook maintain their own page – and check it often.  Not sure how to begin, start here.
  • Don’t break the rules. Check out the rules for using Facebook including the minimum age requirement – it’s 13.  If your child is under 13 and wants a Facebook page of their own, don’t do it (see above point about setting a good example).  Instead, set up a page for your family that you all can maintain together.  Think of it as on-the-job-training.
  • Set some guidelines. What are your family rules regarding Facebook use?  How often can your child be on the site?  Who can they be-friend (my advice: only people that they know relatively well), what sorts of things can they post (“I love my soccer team” is a great post, “My family and I will be out of state all weekend and we couldn’t find anyone to housesit” is not so good), What sorts of pictures are acceptable? What constitutes cyber-bullying and what will happen if they are bullied (or bully themselves)?  What are the grounds for loss of privileges (i.e., grades fall below a certain level)?  Are they allowed to access their account from a mobile device (i.e., smart phone, ipad) or can they only be on the site at home when you are around? Whatever guidelines you set, make sure you are consistent in enforcing them – and don’t forget to follow them yourself.
  • Move some furniture. I think one of the most important things we can do to make sure our kids are safe online is placing the computer where we can see it.  Perhaps that means it is in the kitchen or near the couch.  You should be able to glance at their screen often and easily.  If the computer is in their room, this might be tough.  Little fingers can move quickly when it comes to minimizing an inappropriate screen.
  • Be a good friend. If you decide to allow your child to set up their own account, insist that the two of you become friends.  Better yet, encourage them to become friends with other family members.  As noted above, part of having a child participate in the social networking world requires that you as a parent monitor their use of the technology.  Check out their posts, their “likes,” their pictures, where they’re tagged, and who they’re friending.
  • Turn it off. One of the things I notice frequently in my practice is that both adults and kids have a hard time turning off the technology around them.  Texting at dinner, making phone calls in the car, checking email at the dinner table – is it really necessary?  Talk to your kids about the importance of taking time off Facebook (and all technology) and set a “bedtime” for all devices.  And don’t forget to do it yourself, you might be surprised what happens to your stress level if you unplug on a regular basis.


School Counselors – Stars On and Off TV

There was so much I could have written after this week’s airing of Glee: the controversy about its appropriateness for young viewers, the sexualization of girls and women, the psychology of Rocky Horror Picture Show, the list goes on and on.  But instead, I’m going to keep it simple.

Ms. Pillsbury from Glee (Fox TV)

I love Emma Pillsbury, the school counselor on Glee. There are lots of reasons I like her: she loves cardigans as I do, she’s a redhead, she’s a quirky character.  But perhaps what I like best is that she is the school counselor – and I LOVE school counselors.

In my work with children and families, one of the first things I recommend is that parents make contact with the counselor at their children’s schools.  It has been my experience that these professionals offer some things that I – as a private psychologist -  never could.  Below are some of the things that make school counselors stars – and an awesome resource for families:

  • They see your child in a different light. School counselors get the opportunity to be flies on the wall at school and observe children in their natural state.  They are able to see who really started the fight, if your child is really the bully you think she might be, and what is really behind all those tardies in math.
  • Their services are included. At least in my area, school counselors’ services are free to students.  This can be a super opportunity for families who are pinching pennies and can’t afford outside services.
  • The hours are great. Since counselors’ offices are right there in the school, their schedules match beautifully with the kids’.  Often kids can zip into the counselor’s office for a quick chat between classes, during lunch, or at recess.  No need to miss parts of the school day, cut into family time, or rush through homework in order to make an appointment with an outside practitioner.
  • The kids are in charge. In many of the schools with which I work, the kids themselves are in charge (to a large degree) of deciding when they see their school counselor.  I love the degree of responsibility and independence this affords them.  It helps teach kids at an early age to find appropriate help and resources when needed.

While your school counselor might not sing and dance like Ms. Pillsbury, she/he is still worth checking out!

Photo: Glee on Fox TV

Stress Management: The Importance of Hobbies

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I spend a large percentage of time helping people manage their stress more effectively.  And when I talk to the media, one of the first questions they typically ask is “What are some good ways to manage stress?”  My answer: Anything that’s healthy and works.  Sure, yoga’s great but so is just breathing, sitting quietly, reading, and walking.  I’ve admitted to reporters (I always let my guard down when they get me talking!) that some of my favorite stress management strategies include: watching House Hunters and tweeting John Mayer.  Embarrassing – yes, but also effective.  Given that @johncmayer no longer exists, I’m glad I have a few other stress management tools up my sleeve.

In our fast-paced, productive-every-moment, never-relax world, I think many of us have forgotten the importance of hobbies.  I had a supervisor on my internship in graduate school who told everyone who walked in his office that they should be spending more time on their “avocations,” i.e. hobbies.  I’m not sure I would go that far, but I do think the pleasure, stress relief, and change of pace that hobbies afford us are quite valuable.

One of my favorite hobbies? Baking.  Not only is it fun, your friends and family will likely encourage you to spend time doing it – the rewards are just too sweet to pass up!

Halloween cupcakes - Yum!

It's Not a Disease, a Disorder, or a Choice…

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This week one of my fellow Colorado psychologists held a press conference.  In her presentation she responded to comments made by Colorado political candidate, Ken Buck, comparing homosexuality to a disease like alcoholism.  Dr. Sarah Burgamy made some great points in the conference, but the one that struck me was: Homosexuality is not a “defect, disease, or disorder.” Dr. Burgamy continued: “Homosexuality is a healthy variation of human sexuality.”

Dr. Burgamy did such a beautiful job responding to the assertions that there is something wrong with homosexuality, that I don’t really think there is anymore I can add.  Other than to remind myself and others that her points are ones we all need to remember in our personal lives, professional work, and – perhaps most importantly – when seeking to assist the young people in our communities who are struggling with their own sexual identities.

Is Sexier Always Better?

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I’m glad I waited until today to write my weekly post about Glee.  If I hadn’t, I would have missed out on the opportunity to put in my two cents about the pictures of Lea Michelle and Dianna Agron in GQ that were just released.

So, here’s my two cents: I’m sick of it.  I’m sick of the skin, the bras, and the in-your-face sexuality.  Why wasn’t it enough to watch these kids sing and dance in appropriate clothing – all while tackling some important and difficult issues?  Is it the entertainment industry that pushes for the sexier-is-better mindset – or is it us, the viewers?  Or both?

And what can we do in our homes to manage the onslaught of sexualized media images we see everyday?  I have written about this topic on the Your Mind. Your Body. blog, but for today, I think the lesson is: talk about it.  Rather than passively accepting these sexualized images, talk to your kids about them.  And while you’re at it, talk to your spouse, your friends, your sister, and mom.  How do they help their kids navigate the sexualized world in which we live – and how do they cope themselves?  Because our kids’ body images aren’t the only ones susceptible to the images we see around us – ours are too.