Tag: erie psychologist

How To Forgive Yourself

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As a parent I have about a million opportunities to screw up everyday.  When I do, it can be important to do a little self-forgiveness so that I can move on to the next challenge without the weight of guilt around my shoulders.  We all make mistakes (in parenting and otherwise), so naturally are all in need of forgiveness at one time or another.  Sometimes we seek forgiveness from others, but it’s from ourselves that forgiveness is also desired.

Some ideas about how to forgive yourself and move on:

Be Intentional. When thinking about forgiving yourself a transgression, it can be useful to be organized about it. What is it that you have done? Why would you like to forgive yourself? What will that forgiveness mean in the long term? Writing these things down might also be useful as a way to keep your thoughts clear and organized.

Make a moment out of it. Give yourself the time and space to really think through what forgiveness means, and then give it to yourself. Instead of trying to accomplish this difficult task while driving kids to soccer practice or making dinner, try carving out some time just for yourself to sit and process it all. Preferably time when you won’t be interrupted – but instead have the luxury of spending some real, quality time with yourself.

Let yourself move on. Forgiving ourselves doesn’t mean we have forgotten what we have done, but it does mean letting go of the anger, guilt and shame associated with event. It will likely take some practice, but true forgiveness means allowing yourself to move on from the past with improved knowledge and behavior.

Want to read more about forgiveness? Check out my posts:

What Is Forgiveness?

How to Forgive Someone

Parts of this post originally appeared on Personal Development Genesis.

How To Forgive Someone

The other day I posted about forgiveness.  Actually, I wrote a lot about what forgiveness is NOT.  Take a look.  Now that we know what forgiveness is (because there are a lot of misconceptions out there), how do we do it?

  1. Forgiveness can’t be forced.  We forgive people in our lives because we want to, and have gotten to a place where we are emotionally able to.  Forgiveness doesn’t happen because a) Someone apologized to us b) We feel like we should c) Someone bullies us into it.  Insincere or coerced forgiveness just isn’t the real deal.
  2. Forgiveness is about moving on.  When we decide to forgive someone, it means that we have decided that we want to move on from the experience, and actively release its hold on our emotions and behaviors.
  3. Forgiveness does not equal forgetting.  Most of us have pretty good memories, meaning that there is no way we will forget the harm that has been done.  Luckily, that’s not what forgiving is.  Instead, forgiving is saying something like: “I know exactly what happened to me and what it meant, but I am going to choose to look forward and move on with my life.  I realize what has happened in the past, but I am going to build my future in a different way; and not let that past hurt continue to cast a shadow over me.”
  4.  Forgiveness doesn’t always mean relationship.  Just because you have forgiven someone, doesn’t mean you have to stay in a relationship with them.  Forgiveness simply means releasing yourself from the power of the past event.  It has nothing to do with continuing on in a relationship.  When you choose to forgive AND stay in relationship with the transgressor, it does mean you will be making yourself vulnerable to future hurts.  Vulnerability is a big part of relationships no matter how you cut it.  But that’s a topic for another time.

Forgiveness is something that affects all of us as one time or another.  In fact, just about everyone experiences both sides of the coin: being the forgiver and the forgivee.  It’s an important skill in overall mental health.

 

What is Forgiveness?

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Forgiveness is tricky business. So tricky, in fact, that I rarely use the word.  I find that it’s too complicated, too misunderstood, and too emotionally charged to be used very often.  For example, does forgiving someone mean you have forgotten their transgressions?  Does it mean that what they did to hurt you doesn’t matter anymore? Are they free to do it again?

I don’t think so.

Sometimes it is more useful to consider what forgiveness is NOT.

  • Forgiveness is NOT forgetting a past hurt or transgression
  • Forgiveness is NOT something that comes easily or without much thought or effort
  • Forgiveness is NOT something that happens automatically when the transgressor has apologized.  Instead it is something solely in the hands of the person who has been hurt.  It is their decision and action alone.
  • Forgiveness does NOT equal a continued relationship.  Meaning: you can forgive someone of something, and also then choose to terminate your relationship with them.  The two actions have nothing to do with one another.

Forgiving someone else (or even oneself) can be an important piece of mental health, particularly when it comes to some of the bigger hurts in life.  But it can’t be rushed; and it definitely isn’t useful when it is insincerely given, or bullied out of us.  Stay tuned for tips on how to forgive.

 

 

How To Stop Being So Hard On Yourself

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One of the things many of us often take for granted is how changeable our thought patterns are. It’s easy for our thoughts to get stuck in ruts, and often those ruts are negative. “I’m so fat,” “Everyone else is smarter than me,” “I’m a crummy parent.” These sorts of thoughts can begin to feel automatic. But they don’t have to be.

Just as we move and challenge our arms and legs when we try to get into good physical shape, we can also move and change our thoughts to improve our mental health. Choosing one thought to change at a time is a good place to start. Say, for example you want to change the thought “I’m not as good as the people around me.” Try the following steps:

  1. Create an alternate thought to replace the old one. Something like: “My life is just as important as everyone else’s.”
  2. Each time the old, negative thought pops up, say (either out loud or to yourself) the new, more positive thought. This may be a bit time-consuming at first. You may find that you have to repeat the old thought over and over again. But don’t give up, with time, the new thought will become more automatic.
  3. As you notice the old, negative thought decreasing in frequency over a period of time, pick a new thought to tackle. Repeat.

This article originally appeared on March 17, 2015 on Personal Development Genesis as part of series on how to silence your inner critic.

 

 

College and Alcohol Don’t Have to Go Together

Have you ever seen a movie about life on a college campus?

Are there any that don’t portray those years as one long, alcohol-filled party?

Sure, movies don’t necessarily reflect reality.  But the truth remains that there is a lot of alcohol consumed on college campuses.  According to the National Institutes of Health, 4 out of 5 college students drink alcohol and about half admit to binge-drinking.  The statistics don’t stop there.  Check these out:

 

  • Death: 1,825 college students between the ages of 18 and 24 die each year from alcohol-related unintentional injuries.

  • Assault: More than 690,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 are assaulted by another student who has been drinking.

  • Sexual Abuse: More than 97,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 are victims of alcohol-related sexual assault or date rape.

  • Academic Problems: About 25 percent of college students report academic consequences of their drinking including missing class, falling behind, doing poorly on exams or papers, and receiving lower grades overall.

Clearly alcohol consumption on college campuses is a big deal.  But, universities are doing something about it.  The University of Colorado (my alma mater!) recently announced a sober living option for students in recovery who wish to live with other students abstaining from alcohol and drugs.  Check it out:

University of Colorado Collegiate Recovery Center

University of Colorado Collegiate Recovery Center

When I did a quick search for other universities and colleges in my area, I found that almost all offered some sort of substance abuse treatment program; typically through their counseling center.  If you or someone you know is a college student and struggling with substance use – it’s important to know there are options – and those options appear to be growing.

For more information about how much alcohol is too much, read more.

National Institutes of Health

 

 

Standardized Testing and Stressed-Out Kids

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Are standardized tests in the news in your community?  It seems to be what everyone is talking about around here.  Federal and state-mandated standardized tests are given to almost all students in grades K-12 in March, as far as I can understand.  I am not an expert in primary education, standardized testing or curriculum development so I can’t speak about the tests from that angle.  But, I am an expert in anxiety and parenting and have a few thoughts about how testing affects those sorts of things.

Here goes.

I have watched standardized testing season come and go (as a psychologist and mom) for a decade now.  And here’s the thing: they cause A LOT of anxiety, worry and nervous feelings all the way around.  In parents, in students, in teachers in administrators – probably bus drivers and custodians too – everyone’s feeling the tension.  It’s almost impossible to escape.

I am going to stop myself from writing about how unnecessary I think standardized tests are (especially in the quantity in which they are given).  And I’ll keep my mouth shut about how ridiculous I think it is that my 2 grade-schoolers have a combined TWENTY THREE test days in the next month.   And I’ll stop short of encouraging parents to consider opting-out of testing if they feel it’s not in the best interest of their children.

Instead I will focus on how to help your kiddos make it through testing season with their good mental health intact.

  • Keep your routine normal.  Kids thrive on routine.  Chances are their school days will look a little different during testing season (different class schedules, dismissal times, etc) so it becomes even more important that routines remain the same at home.  Try to keep normal bedtimes, mealtimes and activities going on as usual.
  • Resist the urge to talk about testing.  Your kids – whether in 1st or 11th grade – have likely been hearing about their standardized tests for weeks as teachers prepare them for what to expect.  When they get home they might need a break from all the hype.  A simple: “How did the test go today?” is likely all you need to ask about it.  Grilling our kids, ranting about the philosophical flaws of their school system or putting extra pressure on them to perform academically is rarely helpful.  Keep it light and give them a break.
  • Teach stress management skills.  Life is full of stressors.  Mastering a couple stress management strategies in childhood can be a wonderful thing.  If your child is a little stressed on test days, consider using the opportunity to teach him some basic stress management strategies: Take deep breaths; Visual a soothing, restful place; Go on a bike ride or walk.

The vast majority of kids (and parents!) make it through testing season just fine and chances are you (and I!) will, too.  If you are concerned that your child’s worry seems more intense than normal, or it doesn’t resolve after the tests are over, you might consider meeting with a psychologist.  Read more about whether therapy is needed here.

Inspirational Quotes: Not Cures for Depression

I was recently interviewed for a story over at Psych Central about depression in relationships.  Namely, how to tell if your partner is depressed and what you can do about it.  Check it out here:

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My favorite quote:

Depression is a highly treatable disorder but it can’t be resolved with an inspirational quote or poster

This is one of my biggest pet peeves, and is sadly encouraged by Pinterest, blogs (not this one of course :), and other feel-good publications.  I don’t mean to say feeling good isn’t a good thing, it’s just that poems about gratitude and pictures of kittens don’t do much to treat mental illness.  Sorry.  It’s the truth.

Cute? Yes. Empirically-validated treatment for depression? No.

Cute? Yes.
Empirically-validated treatment for depression? No.

 

Snow and Mental Health

I guess not everyone dislikes winter!

I guess not everyone dislikes winter!

This has been a tough winter for much of the country.  Feet upon feet of snow and bitter cold temperatures, it’s enough to make even the hardiest of souls crave pool weather.  And if you live in a part of the country where (like Northern Colorado) spring is still at least a couple of months away, you might notice the weather taking a toll on your mood.

Many of us have heard of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), a psychiatric disorder that is characterized by low mood, problems sleeping, changes in attention and irritability during the winter months.  SAD is a real, serious mental health diagnosis that can be successfully treated using a variety of strategies.  These include psychotherapy, light therapy, and psychiatric medication.

But what about those of us who don’t meet the criteria for SAD but,

JUST FREAKING HATE WINTER

What are we to do?  How do we keep our moods up and irritability down?

What do you do to make these winter months bearable?

 

When Anxiety is a Good Thing

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I have written a lot about the danger of experiencing too much anxiety, or dealing with it too much of the time.  But is it really all bad?  In the ideal world would we be feeling cool-as-a-cucumber every day?

No.

Anxiety, nervousness and worry have lots of good uses.  They are the reasons we:

  • Wear seatbelts
  • Take vitamins
  • Study for spelling tests
  • Buy vacation insurance
  • Debate fracking on Facebook (wait, is that a good thing?)

Here’s another one:

  • Improve our self esteem and confidence

Here’s how it works:  We think about doing something new/hard and get nervous about it.  Let’s use running a marathon as an example.  When you first think of running a marathon you might say to yourself:

That’s crazy! I’m not athletic at all! I could never do that!

Then, for some reason (peer pressure, a mid-life crisis, whatever) you decide to sign up for your very first marathon.  During the training period you work hard and get stronger, but your nerves and anxiety start acting up.  You might say to yourself:

I am crazy for agreeing to this! What was I thinking? I am going to die out there!

But you keep training and the morning of the marathon arrives.  You’re prepared, fit and ready, but you still might say to yourself:

I feel like I am going to throw up, I’m so nervous! I have never felt this anxious before! I hate this! I’m never doing this again!

Then you start running, and you keep going and eventually you finish the race.  A few days later, after the sore muscles have passed and you have caught up on your sleep, you might say to yourself:

That was amazing! I can’t believe I ran that far and lived! I am so much stronger than I thought! I can’t wait to do that again!

And there you have it: Anxiety—->Preparation—->Living through it—->Increased confidence

Pretty cool, huh? So the next time someone asks you to do something that makes you scared, stretches your abilities or requires you to do something you think you can’t; think twice before turning them down.  The anxiety you feel might just turn into an awesome experience.

 

Fifty Shades: As Bad As We Think?

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I recently posted about my experience seeing Fifty Shades of Grey in the theaters.  In short: Not so great for men or women.  But is the book a different story?

In case you missed all the hype a couple years ago, the Fifty Shades of Grey saga started as a series of books by E.L. James.  Its super-racy content was the stuff of which guilty pleasures are made.  Some people loved its star characters – Ana and Christian – and others slammed the book for shoddy writing.  Still others wondered if writing quality really matters if people are actually spending their time reading!

I recently came across this fun graphic which measures Fifty Shades’ grammar with other, popular love stories.  Check it out:

Grammarly: Fifty Shades of Grammar

I have to admit that I am squirming in my seat as I write this, wondering how many grammatical errors I’m making.  Eeek.

Mistake-ridden or not, both writing and reading can be wonderful stress management strategies and avenues to mental health.  Happy reading!

Thanks to Grammarly Grammar Check for this cool infographic