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Tag: dr stephanie smith
A Psychologist’s Take on Leaning In
I’m going to do it: I’m going to join the throng and add my two cents about the much-talked-about the book Lean In. First a little back story:
Sheryl Sandberg is the COO of Facebook. She is extraordinarily successful on many fronts: financially, professionally, socially, and it seems from her book that she also has a happy, loving family (she is married and has two youngish kids). Ms. Sandberg decided to write this book after giving a series of talks about why women haven’t achieved more in the highest levels of business and government. Take a look at her TED talk.
It seems like she was hoping this book would allow her a platform to flush out her ideas about “women, work, and the will to lead” more thoroughly. Some are calling this book a new “feminist manifesto,” a modern day Vindication of the Rights of Women (I love that book!) or the Feminine Mystique (I like that one, too).
Here’s the thing: a beautifully written call to arms to American women this book is not. It’s not a highly-intellectualized, academic work about the role of women either. In fact, it is a super-readable, totally understandable book that outlines, chapter by chapter, the things that women (and men) do to keep true equality in the workplace from being realized. More specifically, why women aren’t “sitting at the table” in more board rooms and places of real power.
There were a few things I loved about this book:
- I couldn’t stop thinking about it. For the few days I was reading this book I found myself thinking about it while I was reading it, in the morning when I woke up, and while I was eating my sandwich at lunch. It wasn’t that I was eager to get back to reading it, it’s just that it really made me think. Unfortunately I was never really able to articulate what it was making me think about, or what I really thought about her message. It is a rare thing for me to be tongue-tied, but this book left me just that. What does that mean exactly? I’m not sure, but I do know that if people are talking/thinking about your work you must be doing something right.
- Her passion. Ms. Sandberg clearly has a passion for women and leadership. Her energy and dedication to her own professional achievement, and now the achievement of other women is impressive. While I’m not convinced that her book will spark another wave of feminism, I think hers is an important voice in our culture right now. I am hopeful that young women will read her book and consider her ideas.
- Her sound bites. Ms. Sandberg offers up a few motivational passages that reportedly hang on the office walls of Facebook. My favorite: Done is better than perfect. So many of us get hung up on perfection (which of course is elusive) that we don’t get much done. Ms. Sandberg is clearly someone who gets LOTS done, and it’s nice to know that she doesn’t expect perfection.
- Her honesty. While reading the first two-thirds of the book, I kept wondering when she was going to talk about dealing with other women. Meaning: the moms in the school drop-off line who think she is a b*$#ch and a terrible mom. I can hear the parking lot posse now: “She’s never home!” “She’s so full of herself” and “Why did she even bother to have kids if she’s not going to be the one to raise them?” Finally, on page 167 she writes about this issue:
Stay-at-home mothers can make me feel guilty and, at times, intimidate me. There are moments when I feel like they are judging me, and I imagine there are moments when they feel like I am judging them. But when I push past my own feelings of guilt and insecurity, I feel grateful. These parents – mostly mothers – constitute a large amount of the talent that helps sustain our schools, nonprofits, and communities.
There was something I didn’t love about this book, too:
- It made me tired. This just about sums up my feeling about the book as a whole. The entire time I was reading it I felt tired and like a huge slacker. Ms. Sandberg has clearly accomplished a lot professionally, and has done so through hard work and long hours. She wants to see other women do this too. She wants us “sitting at the table” and participating more equally at the highest levels of business and government. I whole-heartedly agree. The only problem was that I was so worn out just by reading her book, I was left with zero energy to change the world into a better place. I am pretty sure that Ms. Sandberg wouldn’t accept tiredness as an excuse for not “leaning in” to my career, or not helping other women do so; unfortunately it’s all I’ve got.
When I asked a colleague whether she had read “Lean In,” she replied no, that she needed to do more “leaning out” in her life. I didn’t ask her what she meant because I think I already know. So many of us women (and men, to be fair) are so busy working, caring for children and parents, volunteering, exercising, paying bills, and squeezing in a few hours sleep that changing the gender dynamics around us just falls off the to-do list.
As I was really starting to feel lousy about how little I do in comparison to Ms. Sandberg in the fight for gender equality, I received this email from her “team” in response to an interview request I sent:
Looks like Ms. Sandberg does a little leaning out, too.
To read more about Lean In, Ms. Sandberg’s non-profit dedicated to supporting women click here.
What We Can Learn from Single Moms
The other day I got the opportunity to listen to an excellent interview on NPR. The title of the segment was: Single Moms Make It Work and featured 3 single moms: Lori Gottlieb, Stacia Brown, and Aracely Panameno.
The women seemed to enjoy themselves during the 15 minute interview which focused on tips and tricks many single moms use to make their lives run more smoothly. The interviewees pointed out that while we may have stereotypes about single moms (harried, super-busy women who were left by their partners); these stereotypes don’t always fit reality (big surprise). Some women may be single by choice, others live in multi-generational homes instead of a more traditional two-parent household. Whatever their living situation and what led them to it, these women were clear: single moms have lots to teach the rest of us.
- It’s OK to ask for help. Stacia Brown pointed out that it is not a sign of weakness to ask others for help. Rarely can anyone parent alone (even those who have a partner), so being able to reach out when assistance is needed is key.
- We all have different ways of doing things. Lori Gottlieb spoke about the fact that different things work for different families. It is up to us as parents (single or not) to figure out what works best for us and our children. Sometimes this means we have to learn to live with imperfection in ourselves, our homes, or our children’s craft projects.
- Outsource the housework. I just love this tip offered by Lori Gottlieb. By outsourcing she means getting our kids involved with the running of the household. Laundry, dishes, watering plants, dusting, cooking – kids are capable of lots more than we often give them credit for. Demanding that our kids take more responsibility at home helps them learn important skills – and helps us parents in the process!
- Be disciplined, committed, and organized. Aracely Panameno offered this guidance to the listeners. I was struck by how important these things are in all aspects of life whether it be parenting, work, or relationships.
To listen to the interview in its entirety, click here.
More Sex = More Happiness?
The equation might not be quite as simple as more sex equaling more happiness, but according to Dr. Tim Wadsworth, a sociology professor at the University of Colorado, sex does play a part in how happy we are. He and his team looked at sociological data and surveys and found that those folks who thought they were having more sex than their friends and neighbors reported a higher level of happiness than those who thought they were sexually active less frequently. This can be a bit confusing of course, because most of us don’t know for sure how often other couples are having sex.
Dr. Wadsworth explained that we learn about other people’s sex lives (or at least we think we do) through a variety of sources other than direct report. For example, watching movies, TV, and reading magazine articles about frequency of sex can all work together to give us a sense of how often those around us are sexually active.
Years ago I had a supervisor who told me that he could judge the health of couple’s relationship simply by learning a few specifics about their sex life (frequency, satisfaction of both partners, etc). I’m not sure I’d go that far, as there can be circumstances that make sexual activity difficult or impossible (illness, injury, distance, etc) in otherwise happy couples. But, I don’t deny that sexual activity is an important part of overall health and happiness.
For more information about the health benefits of sex, I checked out WebMD and found this great article. Among the benefits of sex: Decreased stress and blood pressure, and improved immune function. Of course particularly active sex might count as physical activity and exercise, with the resulting cardiovascular benefits. For the full list of health benefits (including improved self esteem) check out WebMD’s article.
To read more about Dr. Wadsworth’s study about sex and happiness, click here.
5 Questions with Andrew Solomon
Several weeks ago I posted a review of the book Far From the Tree by Andrew Solomon. I cannot say enough good things about his work – it is simply superb. To read my review of his book about children and parents, click here.
Today I feel privileged to have Mr. Solomon here to answer some questions! Welcome, Mr. Solomon!
Andrew Solomon is a writer and lecturer on psychology, politics, and the arts; winner of the National Book Award; and an activist in LGBT rights, mental health, and the arts.
Dr. S.: I read your book through the lens of a psychologist who works with families in situations similar to the families in your book. I have also recommended your book to families with children who have fallen “far from the tree.” I can see that there are many people to whom this book would be of interest. Did you have a particular audience in mind when you were writing? Who did you envision reading this book?
A.S.: I knew, of course, that the first audience for the book would be families dealing with the differences about which I wrote, and I’ve had many letters now from families of people with autism, schizophrenia, Down syndrome, dwarfism, criminality, and transgenderism. But my theory is that the book is for a wider audience than that. Much as we test flame-retardant pajamas in an inferno to make sure our child’s sleeve won’t catch fire when he reaches across the stove, so we can understand the profound ways that all parenting is about accommodating difference by looking at these more extreme cases. So my audience really is anyone who has been a parent or a child.
Dr. S.: I found all of the chapters to be riveting and gut-wrenching for one reason or another. Was there one topic that was most emotional for you to write about?
A. S.: Each is gut-wrenching in its own way. But some of the chapters ultimately describe great redemptions: how people find meaning in Deaf culture, how the lives of dwarfs may be particularly rich, how people who are transgender have an apotheosis when they transition. There’s less to be said in favor of having a child conceived in rape, and the chapter on those children was a very tough one, although many of the mothers I interviewed had ended up very much attached to the children they had. The chapter on crime was painful because crime also confers few advantages. And I found schizophrenia terrifying, because it sets in so late, leaving everyone with an unending sense of loss.
Dr. S.:Â At the end of your book, you wrote about the birth of your son and how your book research affected how you reacted to a medical scare immediately following delivery. Now that he is 3, in what other ways has your research affected your parenting and your reactions to his development?
A.S.: I have perfectionist tendencies, but the book made it clear to me that no one is perfect and that aspiring to a narrow vision of how your child should be is a recipe for disaster. I think I’m a more open, more generous parent as a result of all I saw. I have many hopes for my children, but I think I’ll be able to love them whether they share those hopes or not. The book very much helped me to see my children as separate beings, with their own wishes and ambitions and character.
Dr. S.:Â What are you working on now? Any new books in the works?
A.S.: While I was working on Far From the Tree, I was also doing a PhD in psychology at Cambridge. My research involved doing longitudinal interviews with a group of 24 women, talking to each of them before the birth of a first child, immediately after that birth, and every six months going forward. The process has been rich, and I hope now to do a book for a broader audience on the way women emerge into motherhood, how that identity is shaped over a period of years.
Dr. S.:Â I often write about stress management. We all know that yoga and meditation are great – but I am more interested in unique, creative methods of managing stress. For example, some people like to make chocolate, others like to work on cars. What are your go-to methods of managing the stress in your busy life?
A.S.: Sleep, good nutrition, and exercise: those are the three. Sleep is just about my favorite thing to do; eating well can be a pleasure, though I miss gratifying my taste for sugar; exercise is anathema. But I know that’s the triumvirate that gets me through. I take meds, too–they have helped me to be more balanced and less frantic. And I’ve learned to tolerate the feeling of being stressed out, always knowing that it’s temporary, and that whatever I am stressed about today, I’ll be stressed out about something else tomorrow!
Thanks for your time, Mr. Solomon. I can’t wait to see your next book on motherhood!
To learn more about Andrew Solomon, check out his site. To order his book, Far From the Tree, click here.
The Boston Marathon Attacks and Coping with Traumatic Events
As I was brushing my teeth this morning I was thinking about whether and what to post about the attacks in Boston yesterday. Like everyone else, I am dismayed and grieved at the trauma endured by the athletes and their supporters. I can’t help but reflect on the multitude of traumas our people have endured over the last few years.
Is this normal? Have these sorts of incidents increased? What can be made of all this violence, injury and death? I don’t know the answers to these questions. But, I do know that it is normal to feel lots of emotions following tragedies like the one yesterday.
The American Psychological Association offered some tips on how to recognize and cope with traumatic stress. Check out their tips here.
In looking over APA’s info, I was struck by a couple of points:
- People respond to tragedies differently.  Some folks might feel nothing, others may cry, still others might have trouble tearing themselves away from news coverage. I notice many folks turning to social media as a way to cope with their own grief and fear. Still others may simply want to retreat and withdraw. No response is right or wrong. Just different.
- Re-establishing routines is important.  I’m big into routines, so this tip really rang true for me. Routines can be comforting to all of us – especially kids – so getting back to a normal schedule can go a long way in helping cope with traumatic events. Maybe this means going back to your regular dinnertime, enjoying your favorite TV shows, or getting back to your typical workout schedule. Even if it feels awkward at first, getting back into the swing of your normal routine can help minimize stress, fear, and uncertainty.
- Avoid major life decisions.  This tip is new to me, but I think it is pretty interesting. Traumatic events can produce big emotions. Sometimes those emotions are grief and fear, but they can also be passion, anger, or excitement. These emotions can be so intense that we may feel driven to make decisions about our relationships, work, and family lives. APA suggests we avoid these decisions in times of high stress.
For more information about coping with traumatic events, check out the American Psychological Association.
Facebook: Good or Bad for Self Esteem?
I was recently interviewed for this story in the Philadelphia Inquirer about whether and how Facebook use affects self esteem. The cool thing about the article was that it was written by a high school student. And while I think of myself as young, and try so hard to be cool and relevant; I just can’t keep up with a teenager in terms of technology and social media and their effects on our psyches.
I’ve written about stress, self esteem and Facebook before, but was interested to read this author’s take on how Facebook use can affect self esteem in teens specifically. She brought up some points I never would have thought of. The number of “likes” one receives on posts or pictures, and the number of “friends” one racks up for instance. As someone who is long past the teen years, I notice other things affecting my self esteem. Things like friends’ vacation destinations, career accomplishments, and children’s behavior.
Of course Facebook is not all bad. Connecting with long lost friends and family members is great, and so are the birthday wishes that come through on our timelines. How does Facebook affect you? What about the teens in your life – does it affect them differently? Check out the full article below:
The Philadelphia Inquirer: Debate over Facebook’s effect on self esteem 04/07/2013
Teaching Kids About Eating Right
Many of you know that one of the hats I wear is an advisory board member for Produce for Kids, an awesome organization dedicated to healthy kids and families. One of my fellow board members recently wrote some guidelines about teaching even our youngest kids about healthy eating. As obesity rises among kids (and adults!) this seems like a more important lesson than ever. But it can be tricky: We don’t want to deprive our kids or set up an unhealthy relationship with food. But ignoring the issue, or allowing them to indulge in all of their junk food fantasies doesn’t seem right either. Estella Schnelle of the Weekly Bite provides some great tips for navigating these treacherous waters.
Check out her tips below:
Parenting Transgender Children
There is a family here in Colorado who has been making headlines recently because of their transgender child. I’m not going to get into the specifics of the story (you can read more about it here) but will focus on some of the great discussion and information that has been going on surrounding the story.
Most of us don’t have a lot of experience with transgender children, either as parents, professionals, teachers or friends. This lack of experience can make an already tricky situation even more difficult simply because of our lack of exposure. In reaction to the above-mentioned story in Colorado, my colleague Dr. Sarah Burgamy, was asked to speak about transgender children on a local TV program. She did an awesome job answering some basic questions on parenting children who might be – or definitely are – transgender.
A couple of her points that stuck out most to me:
How do you know if your child is transgender, or just “going through a phase?” Many kids go through phases of exploring interests or looks more typically thought of as belonging to the opposite sex. For example, a boy enjoying dressing up in skirts, or a little girl enjoying trains. Dr. Burgamy explained that transgender children’s behaviors and attitudes are “insistent, persistent and consistent” over time.
How should a parent respond to their transgender child? Parenting is a tough job any time, but can be especially challenging when our children don’t fall inside the “norm,” have unique needs or interests, or are simply different from their peers. Dr. Burgamy offered some excellent guidelines for parents with transgender children (or any children for that matter):
- Â Minimize distress
- Increase happiness
- Do what you can to allow them to have happy childhoods
Check out her full interview here:
Dr. Burgamy also provided some resources for families and friends of transgender youth:
The Transgender Child:Â A Handbook for Families and Professionals – by, Stephanie Brill & Rachel Pepper
Gender Born, Gender Made:Â Raising Healthy Gender Non-Conforming Children by Diane Ehrensaft, Ph.D.
Trans Youth Family Allies – TYFA
TransACTIVE – based in Portland, OR but has some good national/international resources.
Mental Health and TV – Good for All of Us
Today I posted an article over at the American Psychological Association’s blog, Your Mind. Your Body. In it I write about the importance of portraying mental health issues, struggles and solutions in TV and movies. Check it out here.
Some of my favorite TV shows regularly integrate important topics in mental health including bullying, suicide, mental illness and family struggles. The folks over at Glee do a pretty good job (most of the time) accurately portraying mental illness and treatment. Gossip Girl, Hoarders, Parenthood, Monk and Friday Night Lights are other shows that include characters with psychiatric disorders.
Of course there are tons of movies whose main subject is mental illness. Check out this cool list on Wikipedia listing movies featuring mental illness organized by diagnosis. Silver Linings Playbook is just 1 of 14 movies listed in the Bipolar Disorder category.
If you want to learn more about some of the great work being done in TV and films, check out SAMHSA’s Voice Awards. Here’s a description:
Join the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s (SAMHSA) Voice Awards program in recognizing consumer/peer leaders and TV and film professionals who educate the public about the real experiences of people with behavioral health problems. Through their work and personal stories of resilience, both groups of leaders demonstrate that people can and do recover from mental health and substance use disorders and lead full and meaningful lives in their communities.
Today is the deadline to nominate producers and programs! Check out SAMHSA’s site to submit your favorite show by the end of the day!
