Category: Stress Management

Managing Mom Guilt

Photo by: kevindooley

I have yet to see a study finding the biological source of mom guilt.  Yet, I know it’s there somewhere.  It is born along with the baby, and is something almost all moms feel at one time or another:

I work too much

I spend too much time away

I am too coddling

I don’t fix enough healthy meals

The list goes on and on.  The particulars of each mom’s guilt are different, but the resulting thought is the same – “I’m not doing a good enough job as a parent.”

Someone recently asked me how one gets rid of Mom Guilt so that we can be free to parent and live our lives without that nasty (and typically unproductive) emotion.  I responded by saying that if I knew the answer I would by lying poolside somewhere in Beverly Hills because I would be a zillionaire.  In thinking more about it, I realize that we probably can’t totally rid ourselves of guilt over what we have or haven’t done as a parent, but we can do our best to minimize the impact the guilt has on our lives and self esteem.  Here’s what I have come up with:

Surround yourself with supportive women.  I’m constantly encouraging my kids to make good choices when it comes to friends and playmates.  The same should apply to moms.  Notice whether the women in your life are supportive, positive, and encouraging.  If not, it may be time to find new friends.  When we are surrounded by negative, critical people we often take on those traits ourselves.  Luckily, when we have a support system who is positive and nurturing, we adopt those traits as well.  As an added bonus, we will be less likely to cast a critical eye on our own parenting decisions when we have supportive friends.

Too much information can be the enemy.  Some people manage anxiety by gathering as much information as they can about the problem.  Sometimes this can be a good strategy, many times it can make the situation worse.  This can definitely be true of parenting decisions.  Take the problem of how to get your child to sleep through the night.  A few minutes online will reveal many different and conflicting strategies.  These might include crying it out, co-sleeping, and everything in between.  Instead of spending your anxious moments reading parenting books, blogs, and other “helpful hints,” pick one or two people you trust (your pediatrician and mom, for example) and ask them their advice.  Most of all, don’t forget to listen to your own voice.

Keep things in perspective.  When all else fails and I am still feeling guilty, I try to keep things in perspective.  There are many women and families not nearly as fortunate as me.  Most women around the world don’t have the luxury of feeling guilty and/or comparing the merits of various parenting styles.  Instead they are trying to find food for their children, locate affordable medical care for sick babies, and keep their families safe from violence.  Keeping these women in mind helps me remember how lucky I am to be a mom in 21st century America, and just like that, much of my guilt and anxiety melts away.

 

 

The Toughest Thing About Panic Attacks

It’s Tuesday.  That means Dr. Raison, The Chart’s resident mental health expert answers a reader’s psychiatric question.  Today Dr. Raison answered Stephanie’s (not me) question about panic attacks and their treatment.  Dr. Raison did a nice job discussing treatment options including psychotherapy and medication. 

Dr. Raison’s post got me thinking about panic attacks.  They are buggers (understatement) for several reasons:

They can make you feel like you are dying.  Trouble breathing, chest pains, dizziness – all symptoms of panic attacks.  And, oh by the way, the same symptoms as heart attacks. That’s why it’s important to talk to your physician about your overall health if you start having panic attacks – it’s better to be safe than sorry.  Once you get a clean bill of health, it may be easier (albeit marginally) to realize you are not dying when a panic attack hits.

They can make you feel like you are going crazy.  I’m not sure what the official definition of “crazy” is, but panic attacks can make you feel like you have arrived there. Folks often tell me they feel like they are losing their minds when panic sets in.  While disorienting, experiencing panic attacks doesn’t mean you are headed for psychosis, it just means you might need to learn a few coping strategies.

They can make you feel embarrassed.  People who suffer panic attacks often feel a level of embarrassment after they’ve had one, as they are sure the people around them could tell what was going on.  The good news is, they usually can’t.  While panic attacks feel ovewhelmingly awful to the person having them, the folks around them are typically oblivious to what’s going on.

*They can happen anytime.  And here is the toughest thing about panic attacks – they can happen anywhere, anytime.  Many of us assume we’ll have an attack when we are feeling stressed or nervous (right before giving a big speech or driving over a bridge).  That might happen, but they can also happen when you are happily eating a slice of chocolate cake while watching Dirty Dancing.  What’s the deal with that?  I’m not sure.  But I do remind my clients that panic attacks can strike at any time, and it doesn’t mean they have a phobia of Patrick Swayze.  It just means that panic attacks are irritating and unpredictable.

The good news is, there are a lot of treatment options available for people suffering from panic attacks.  For some thoughts about treatment, check out the American Psychological Association’s Help Center.

Back to School Worries

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Photo by: MerelyMel13

It’s not unusual for even the most confident kids to have worries associated with heading back to school.  New teachers, new expectations, new classroom – there are a lot of unknowns when entering a new school year.  Anxieties can grow even more intense when a child is starting a new school.  How can parents help?

Be Prepared.  Worries breed when we are unprepared.  Do you have a list of school supplies, clothing, and other materials that need to be purchased?  Try shopping well ahead of time so that you aren’t scrambling at the last second.  When you are prepared and relaxed – your kids will follow.

Dress Rehearsals are Good.  I’m a big fan of practicing events about which we are worried.  A few days or a couple weeks before the big day, try a dress rehearsal.  Have your child dress in their back to school outfit, eat a typical school day breakfast, pack their lunch, grab their backpack, and head off to school.  Make a fun event out of it.  If your school allows for a visit before classes start – do it!  It can help ease worried minds to be able to visualize the hallways and classrooms in which they will learning.

Don’t Say “Don’t Worry.”  None of us wants our kids to worry or be stressed.  So when your son says, “Mom, I’m nervous about the first day of school” most of us answer by saying, “It’ll be fine!  Don’t be worried!”  But in the interest of encouraging our kids to talk to us, a better response might be: “What are you worried about?”  This will give your child the opportunity to explain their worries, so that you can respond appropriately.  A conversation might go like this:

Child: “Mom, I’m nervous about the first day of school.”

Parent: “What are you feeling nervous about?”

Child: “I’m afraid I won’t know anyone with my lunch period and I will have to sit alone.”

Parent: “I can see why you’d be worried about that.  Let’s come up with some ideas about what to do if that happens.”

Child: “I don’t know what to do!”

Parent: “Could you sit with a teacher?  Sit next to someone else sitting alone?”

Child: “Yea, maybe I could sit next to someone else who’s alone.”

Parent: “Great!  Sounds like a good plan.”

Perhaps the most important thing about helping your child learn to manage worries is to check in after the first day is over.  See how it went.  Was there a reason to worry, or not?  How did they cope with the lunch room situation?  If the day was a success, use it to build confidence for the next worrisome situation.  If it wasn’t, try brainstorming more solutions for a better outcome.

 

 

 

It’s a Vacation…Not Working from the Beach

It’s vacation season!  Beach trips, mountain excursions, National Park adventures.  What could be better than a trip with loved ones to an awesome place?  In my opinion, not much.

Vacations are an important part of family life.  They provide us with new experiences with our family, create memories to treasure, and sometimes even give us the opportunity to make new friends.  Vacations are also an important part of maintaining mental health.  They give us a break from the stresses of work, maintaining a household, and other everyday chores.  Vacations can also give us perspective on how other people live and how we might be placing too much importance on non-important things.  One of my favorite summer vacation rituals is setting goals for the year ahead.  Work goals, family goals, personal goals.  Vacations give me the time and space to be able to think about such things.

My pre-vacation goal for this summer is to let my vacation actually be a vacation.  Not an on-location working trip or a working holiday.  Off go the ipads, laptops, and smart phones.  On go the out-of-office vacation responses on email and voicemail.  Bring on the fun, relaxation, and memory-making…who’s with me?

Summer Blues

Last week I posted about how to enjoy summer to the fullest.  But this week I have been reminded that summer doesn’t mean happiness and long, carefree days for everyone.  For some, summertime is no picnic at all.  We are all familiar with the “winter blues,” or more seriously, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  SAD is a disorder that affects people’s mood in the fall or wintertime as the number of hours of daylight decreases.  Folks who suffer from SAD report feelings of depression, lack of motivation, and changed sleeping patterns – among other things.  They also report that their symptoms go away in the spring and summer months as the sunshine returns.

But is there such a thing as summertime SAD?  Perhaps not for the same reason (lack of sunshine), but folks can become depressed summer after summer just the same.  Why might someone get depressed in the season we know we are “supposed to be happy”?

  • Health problems. For some people, summertime brings a host of unwelcome health problems.  Think seasonal allergies and aggravated asthma.  Those with fair skin and/or a history of skin cancer might find themselves hiding from the sun – and thus much of the fun – of summer.
  • Change in routine. For seasonal workers or parents with school age children, summertime can bring a change in schedule that is not always welcomed or easy.  While we see families in movies having memorable summer vacations and trips to the local pool, for those who are unemployed, working extra-long hours, or are at home with challenging children, these images can be hard to take.
  • Painful memories. Not everyone has wonderful summer memories in which to indulge while sipping ice tea on the front porch.  For some, summer may bring up memories of a death of a loved one, a painful divorce, or an unexpected layoff.

These are just a few of the many possible reasons summertime might not be all fun and games.  Whatever the reason, it is important to recognize that assistance is available for those who suffer from depression, low mood, or “just not feeling right” during this time of year.  Don’t know where to start?  Try the American Psychological Association’s Psychologist Locator, contact your primary care physician for a referral to a mental health professional, or call your insurance company for a list of psychologists in your area.

Photo by: Swissrolli

Mental Health’s Little Known Secrets

Mental Health Blog Party
In honor of Mental Health Month and the American Psychological Association’s Blog Party, I thought I would share some little-known areas of life affected by mental health.  These are also areas and topics in which psychologists often help their clients.  Perhaps you, or someone you know might benefit from seeking the services of a psychologist for one of the following:

  • Bullying.  Bullying happens for lots of reasons: anger, sadness, or feeling out of place.  Mental health concerns are not always the reasons a child (or adult) bullies, but they certainly can be.  And mental health can be negatively affected when one is bullied.  Psychologists can help kids, families, school, and communities prevent and cope with bullying.
  • Managing chronic disease. Managing chronic diseases like diabetes, and coping with chronic pain is tough no matter who you are.  If you are suffering from depression, anxiety, or another mental illness, it can make the process even more difficult.  Psychologists can help these folks learn to manage their mood and anxiety, as well as adjust to their medical condition.
  • Financial stability. Sometimes overspending is just overspending.  Sometimes, however, it can be the result of a larger issue with setting limits, delaying gratification, and even overall unhappiness with life.  If you’ve tried sticking to a budget and it just isn’t working, a psychologist may be able to help you understand why adopting new financial behaviors is so difficult – and then assist you in making changes that work.
  • Improving your tennis game. Concentration, focus, physical performance, motivation – anxiety can wreak havoc on our performance.  Thanks to the publicity given to sports psychologists by athletes like Ron Artest, more and more people are understanding the positive impact psychologists can have on performance (whether it be athletic, musical, etc).
  • Coping with divorce. We all know divorce is hard, even in the best circumstances.  But did you know that psychologists (together with other professionals) can help couples divorce with dignity through a process called collaborative divorce?  Something to look into.

 

CREATE Mental Health Week – Making a Calendar for Orientation

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This is a guest post in the series CREATE Mental Health. All week we will be exploring how different people use creativity to create and maintain mental health. Today’s post is by Melony Bishop. Melony writes the blog, Stamping with Melony.  I love this idea – it blends creativity and function beautifully!  Welcome, Melony!

When my friend Faith recently approached me about creating a special stamping project, I couldn’t help but realize the additional cognitive benefits that were involved in this sweet hand-made gift.  Faith wanted to make a daily calendar for her aging father-in-law  to help him stay oriented to the date each day….  What a simple but powerful tool for this man and his caregivers!  A daily calendar hand-made by his beloved daughter-in-law!  What a fantastic way to “CREATE MENTAL HEALTH” in this man’s life!  (Maybe it’s the Occupational Therapist in me that couldn’t resist this purposeful creative calendar coupled with a cognitve component.)

After many hours, here is the fruit of this “labor of love” for Faith’s father-in-law!  🙂

Notice the details involved!  We designed and hand-made a central month page for each of the 12 months with a seasonal theme.  We then designed coordinating mattes for the days of the week and the date of the month for either side of the month.

Faith used the GoGo Boots Die Cut letters with the Big Shot to cut and adhere the names of each of the days of the week that can be rotated daily throughout the year.
She used the Simple Numbers Die Cuts to die cut each of the dates of the month to also rotate through each of the days of the months.  Both the days and dates were cut from Early Espresso Cardstock and adhered to 4×4 Whisper White squares using 2-way glue.

We hand-made little embellishments for all of the various holidays and special days throughout the year and adhered magnets to the backsides that will magnet onto the metal clips on the clipboard to designate those special days of the year.  :)  We stamped multiple different years as well for the center clip.

We used clear box cases to organize and keep all of the pages safe and handy for his caregiver to swap each day of the year.

Check out the rest of the months of the year that we created……..

CREATE Mental Health Week – Photography

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This is a guest post in the series CREATE Mental Health. All week we will be exploring how different people use creativity to create and maintain mental health. Today’s post is by Jenni Lillie. Jenni is the owner of Awaken Photography, which specializes in wedding and family photography.  Welcome, Jenni!


Cut the “CHEESE!”

Photographing kids can be very fun, unpredictable and stressful. When I photograph a family, I can tell right away how their family takes pictures. A lot of times as soon as I point the camera at them they will look at me with a cheesy, fake grin. Sometimes the kids will even yell “cheese,” a prompting born out of repetitive habits and norms.

But there’s a different option out there. If you are tired of the “cheese” smile my suggestion is to “cut the cheese.” Just don’t say it anymore. If you want more natural-looking photos of your kids, do the opposite–don’t demand they look at the camera at all. Follow them around, observe, and snap away. Photograph the details of their day or their lives. Do they have a special blanket, toy or sport? Let them play and get photos of them being themselves. Those will be the memories and moments you cherish.

Finally, it will be more enjoyable and fun for everyone involved to not force the photo to happen a certain way. Removing our expectations frees us to just capture them naturally. There’s always a place for posed photos, so I wouldn’t discard them completely. And when that time comes, get your kids laughing and snap the genuine smiles they have and not the toothy “cheese” grin you may be used to.


CREATE Mental Health Week – A Little Girl’s Bracelet

This is a guest post in the series CREATE Mental Health. All week we will be exploring how different people use creativity to create and maintain mental health. Today’s post is by Tamara Miles. Tamara is the owner of Beaded Essence, an on-line boutique specializing in unique, handmade jewelry and more.  Welcome, Tamara!

I love to make jewelry because it is a good way to be creative without taking a ton of time, and you get great results.  In 15 minutes, I am able to make an adorable little girl’s bracelet that can be worn for a Baptism, 1st Communion, Easter, or really any occasion.  It is also nice just to be able to make something for your little girl that you can feel proud of, knowing that you took the time to make it, and didn’t have to spend the time trying to find one at a store.

These bracelets can be made with sterling silver or 14K gold filled beads.  You can also use different colors of pearls and crystals if you like; however, for religious occasions, the white pearls and clear crystals seem to look the best.

Here is what you need (cost around $10):

(The number of beads may change depending on the size you want to make, keeping in mind that the extender chain will allow for a lot of leeway in sizing.)

  • 7 inches of Wire-I like to use Beadalon: 49 strand-bright
  • 2 Crimp tubes:  2mm in sterling silver or 14K gold filled
  • 2 Crimp covers:  3mm in sterling silver or 14K gold filled
  • 1 Lobster clasp:  9mm or so in size, either in sterling silver or 14K gold filled
  • 1 Extender chain:  2 inches in sterling silver or 14K gold filled
  • 10 Swarovski crystal pearls:  white or color
  • 4 Swarovski crystals:  clear in color
  • 15 Metal balls:  4 mm in size-sterling silver or 14K gold filled
  • 8 Daisy spacers:  4mm in size-bright sterling silver or 14K gold filled
  • 1  charm:  small in size in either sterling silver or 14K gold filled

Here are the tools you will need:

  • Jewelry Crimper-for 2mm crimps (approximately $10 depending on quality, etc…)
  • Jewelry Wire Cutter-(also around $10 depending on quality, etc…)
  • Spring-to hold beads on the wire-(very inexpensive)
  • Jewelry glue-(approximately $4.50 per tube)
  • Bead tray-if you have one:  or you can use felt on a plate

Instructions:

  1. Put wire through crimp tube and then through hole on lobster clasp, and then back through crimp tube.
  2. Crimp the tube together by using the inner half-moon shaped crimp on the inner part of the crimp tube.  Then use the outer crimp of the tool to squeeze the tube together.  It should look like a flat tube with a crease on one side.
  3. Cut the extra wire, and put a touch of glue on the crimp.
  4. Place a crimp cover over the crimp.  Then use the outer crimp of the crimp tool, and carefully squeeze the crimp cover together so that it looks like a round bead.  (be very gentle when doing this as sterling silver is very easy to bend too much)
  5. Now start adding all of the beads in the pattern on the picture.  You can lengthen the bracelet by adding more sterling or gold-filled beads at each end.
  6. Take the extender chain, and put the wire from your bracelet through a crimp tube, then through the extender chain, and then back through the crimp tube (just like when doing the lobster clasp at the beginning).  Pull the wire tight so that the crimp tube is close to the extender chain and there is no wire to be seen at the end of the beads.  Crimp as in step 2 above.
  7. Follow steps 3 and 4 above to finish the crimp on the end of the bracelet.

    You are finished, and you have a beautiful bracelet that a little girl will love!

CREATE Mental Health Week – A Summer Tote

This is a guest post in the series CREATE Mental Health. All week we will be exploring how different people use creativity to create and maintain mental health. Today’s post is by Sarah Markos. Sarah writes the sewing blog blueSusan. It’s one of my very favorite blogs, and actually got me to start sewing.  Sarah’s tutorials are awesome! Welcome, Sarah!

Hi everyone!! I’m Sarah, visiting from blueSusan today.  How fun to be able to do a guest post on Dr. Stephanie’s blog.  Thank you Stephanie for hosting such a fun event.   I love creating things.  I am a stay-at-home mom by profession and I have four sweet and silly kids, ages 10, 8, 5, and 3.Making things is my therapy, and my creative outlet these days is sewing.  I have been sewing most of my life off and on, but over the last couple of years I have really gotten into it on a regular basis.  A few years ago I was going through a particularly tough time.  I had a fairly new baby (my 4th),  my husband was gone a lot, and I was struggling to keep my head above water.   I felt like I never accomplished anything and never had time to myself.   A couple of my friends had learned to sew and started making a ton of cute things.  I didn’t want to miss out on the fun and I needed something to take my mind off of all my struggles and stresses.  So I set up my sewing machine in my bedroom and started sewing once the kids went down for the night.  Now my sewing machine is a permanent fixture in my bedroom and I use it almost daily.  Sewing helps me unwind and get the “me” time that I need.  Like I said…it’s my therapy!

I make a lot of bags and so I thought share a little tutorial with you for a chic Summer Tote that is the perfect size for taking to the pool or the beach.

This is an easy one to sew, and relatively quick too.  Want to make one??

You’ll need:

  • 1/2 yard outdoor canvas, or home decorator weight fabric.
  • 2/3 yard lining. I used 100% cotton solid.
  • 1/4 yard fabric for handles, I used small wale corduroy.
  • coordinating thread.

As a option, you can choose to omit the lining fabric, which just makes the bag a little thinner when finished and saves a little fabric cutting time.

Okay, ready to start??

Next take your long piece and pin it to 3 sides of your square, matching the seams to the corners.

Stitch around the 3 sides with a slightly less than 1/4 in seam allowance.

Pin the other square to the other side of he long piece and stitch in place.

Now you’re ready to finish the top.

Fold the seams to one side, do not press them open.

Don’t forget to back stitch a few times at the top for added security.

Almost done!! Make the handles… these go quickly.

And that’s it!! Trim your threads and enjoy your new bag!!