Category: Stress Management

How Do I Know If I Am Stressed?

The American Psychological Association released their annual Stress in America survey today.  Results suggest that we Americans are way too stressed out and that stress is having serious negative consequences.  Chronic, long term stress can affect every system of our bodies: digestive, cardiac, musculoskeletal, and of course brain health can be seriously jeopardized when we are subjected to stress over the long term.  To read more about APA’s Stress in America survey, including how your city rates in terms of stress, click here.

We all know stress is bad, but how do you know if your stress level is too high?  What are the signs and symptoms of stress?  Well, we all experience it differently, and some of the signs of excessive stress may surprise you.  Here are a few to watch out for:

Difficulty concentrating (i.e., trouble focusing on your favorite TV show or book due to worries and stressful thoughts)

Excessive worry (i.e., going overboard in the amount of time you spend worrying about things, assuming the worst about things)

Overeating/undereating (i.e., eating when you’re not hungry, or losing interest in food)

Trouble with sleep (i.e., sleeping too much OR too little)

Trouble managing anger (i.e., losing your cool more quickly than normal)

Irritability (i.e., snapping at your kids or partner more than usual)

Inability to enjoy things you used to (i.e., too stressed out to enjoy weekly manicure)

Isolation (i.e., stop returning friends’ phone calls because you’re “too stressed” or “too busy” to talk)

Other signs of stress can include: difficulty doing just one thing at a time, trouble staying “in the moment,” and an increase of physical ailments (headaches, stomachaches, etc).

 

Glee, Twilight, Harry Potter and Stress Management

This week I have been talking about the chronic economic stress many of us have been under for the past 3+ years. Yesterday I wrote about the importance of taking action – actually doing something – as an essential part of maintaining mental health through tough times.  Today, I have another tip: maintain a rich fantasy life.  This may seem a little silly on the surface, but as you look around you will notice that many of us are already doing it.  Ever wonder why this story took the world by storm:

Image: Warner Bros Pictures

What about this one?

Image: Stephenie Meyer

It’s not just that J.K. Rowling is a brilliant storyteller, or that Edward Cullen is super-dreamy, it’s also that escaping our individual realities – whatever they may be – is a great way to manage stress.  And thanks to the internet, many of us have almost constant, immediate access to whichever fantasies make us forget the woes of the day.

Now, I’m not suggesting we should duck our responsibilities and spend our days obsessing over the new Twilight movie:

or memorizing the moves of a certain Glee star:

But what I am suggesting is that a little escapism can be good for the mind and body – particularly when the stressors in life become hard to bear.

So whether it’s:

or

Image: Magic the Gathering

Let your imagination run wild and know that it’s time well spent.

Managing Chronic Economic Stress

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In yesterday’s post, I talked about the difference between acute and chronic economic stress.  I concluded that most of us are squarely in the “chronic stress” category when it comes to our financial lives.

One of the things that I mentioned were the dangers of feeling hopeless and helpless in terms of doing anything to change one’s circumstances.  It makes sense then, that Tip #1 for managing chronic economic stress is to DO SOMETHING.  Or at the very least, hitch yourself to someone else who is doing something.  Working on a political campaign you believe in, volunteering for an organization helping people even more hard hit than you, taking a class on managing personal finance – doing something always feels better than doing nothing. Not only that, it can help you maintain your mental health by warding off those hopeless/helpless feelings.

Need a jumpstart?  Check out Starbucks’ new initiative (which starts today, how perfect is that?):

Starbucks is donating five million dollars to seed a fund at the Opportunity Finance Network, which in turn will provide capital grants to select Community Development Financial Institutions (CDFIs). The CDFIs will provide loans to underserved community businesses, including: small business loans, community center financing, housing project financing and microfinance.

 

Stay tuned for more tips as the week goes on.

Chronic Economic Stress

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Several years ago when the economy went downhill (yes, an understatement, I know) psychologists like me were getting lots of questions about how to cope with the stress.  I was interviewed by the Wall Street Journal, National Public Radio, and the Philadelphia Inquirer – and every reporter had the same basic question: “How do we cope with financial strain and keep our mental health at the same time?”  Some of the tips I often gave were things like:

  • Turn off the TV/radio/computer so as not to be bombarded by the bad news
  • Take action by making small changes in your financial life
  • Don’t forget to keep up the healthy stress management strategies you already have in place (i.e., walking, talking with friends, going to church)

But here we are 3+ years down the road and things don’t seem to have gotten much better.  Sure the market may be up and interest rates may be down, but I still hear stories of layoffs, prolonged unemployment, and perpetual under-employment.  I’m not sure what the exact definition of “chronic” is when it comes to stress, but I am certain we are there.  The financial stressors we are facing have gone from acute to chronic – the difference may seem like semantics, but really it’s a whole different ballgame.

What makes chronic stress different than acute stress, particularly in regards to our economic lives?

Emotional health.  Most of us have the emotional and psychological resources to cope with stress on a short term basis (meaning several weeks to several months).  Prior to the onset of the acute stressor we were probably healthy, rested, and had at least one or two good coping strategies in place.  However, after an extended period of time (3 years, for example)  the chronic exposure to stress starts to take its toll on our emotional health.  What was once a few nights of poor sleep has become insomnia.  We’ve stopped engaging in healthy coping strategies (reading, praying, yoga) and taken on “easier,” less healthy habits (drinking too much, eating too little, watching more pornography).   Psychological health is a high maintenance thing – when we don’t care for it, it can deteriorate pretty quickly.  Increased anxiety, worsening mood, irritability – these can all be signs that our mental health is being negatively affected by chronic stress.

Physical health.  Did you know that chronic stress affects every system of the body?  Stomachaches, headaches, muscular pain, cardiovascular disease – chronic stress can play a part in all of these conditions.  Still not convinced?  Take a look at the American Psychological Association’s super cool mind/body health interactive tool and see for yourself just how destructive chronic stress can be.

Hopelessness/helplessness.  Researchers know that one of the most psychologically-damaging emotional states is when one feels hopeless and/or helpless about their situation in life.  It is no good when we feel as if we have no agency – or say – in our lives.  Unfortunately, that is exactly the feeling that this “financial downturn” has produced in many of us.  It’s not infrequent for me to hear people saying things like: “But I saved, and went to school, and spent money responsibly – how can it be that I am still broke and unemployed when I did all the right things?” or “It doesn’t seem to matter what I do or try, I can’t catch a break financially.”  I think it’s pretty obvious to see how this sort of thinking can be a precursor to depression.

A little bit of stress is OK, 3+ years of daily worry about money and employment can take its toll.  Check in tomorrow for some tips of how to manage chronic financial stress.

Number 1 Parenting Technique of All Time…

Photo by: Nina Turns 40

These last few days I have been thinking about parenting strategies.  It’s something I think a lot about in my own life, talk a lot about with my clients, and am asked a lot about by reporters.  I have written before about my thoughts on parenting books – namely they can be overwhelming and confusing if not used properly.  Not to say that parenting education and exposure to different techniques isn’t important – it certainly is!  Sometimes it’s just too much for my brain to comprehend and implement at home.  Maybe no other parents feel that way, but for the moment I am just going to assume that I am not alone.

So today I am going to add my (hopefully) simple, #1 strategy for raising healthy families:  be a genuine, honest, and present parent.  This is what I mean:

Apologize to your child when it’s appropriate. “Julie, I’m sorry I was short with you this morning. I didn’t sleep well and was kind of grumpy. It’s no reason to treat you poorly, though, so I apologize.”  Why is this important?  It teaches our kids to be humble and apologize themselves.

Pay attention when your kids are around.  None of us can be tuned into our kids at every moment.  We have to work, take care of our other kids, do the laundry, and feed the family too.  But when you are able, really focus on them.  Put the Blackberry down, turn off the TV, drive with the radio off – whatever you ha

Talk about your own emotions.  I am not a fan of being our kids’ best friends, and don’t recommend using your child as a support system or counselor.  However, it can be useful to be honest with your kids (in a developmentally appropriate way) about your own mental health.  Here’s an example of something I said recently to my 7 year old.  “You know what, I am feeling pretty overwhelmed by all of the things I am having to clean up around the house.  I have noticed that many of the items I pick up are yours.  Can you help me come up with a solution to these feelings I am having?”  Why is this important?  It’s crucial that we model communicating about our emotions to kids.  It’s also a good idea to show them that it’s OK to ask for help solving tough problems.  Wouldn’t it be great if the above conversation led my daughter to eventually say something like: “Mom, I’m feeling overwhelmed at school because all the kids are talking about drinking beer and I don’t want to.  Can you help me come up with a solution?”  That would be parenting gold.

So, for this week at least, that’s my #1 parenting technique.  It may be something different next week, but being a more genuine, honest, and present parent is probably something we can all work on.

Avoiding Schoolwork Battles

Today’s post is written by Dr. Bridget Engel, clinical psychologist in Erie, CO.  Dr. Engel specializes in working with children, families, and couples.  She is also the author of Counselor’s Corner, a mental health blog.  Dr. Engel’s post is part of this week’s series on student information systems.  

Here we are.  We are already a month plus into school.  The new-ness of the school year is starting to wear off and most everyone is settled into the familiarity of fall.  And I have already spoken with parents who’ve had to wage war with their son or daughter about missing assignments and poor grades.  That’s an age old conflict that goes back many generations.  What’s new is that many of these parents now have access to Infinite Campus technology, hosted through their school district, to stay up-to-date and informed about their child’s academic progress.

Image by Thisischris.com

While Infinite Campus and other tech-based information tools are wonderful in allowing parents to stay engaged in their child’s education, many parents I’ve talked to describe emotional arguments with their kids sprinkled with excuses, debates about it’s accuracy, and circular clashes about how recently it’s been updated by various teachers.  So are you ready to reduce the family feud about homework and missing assignments?  Here are some things to think about:

● Infinite Campus is technology, and only that.  It doesn’t replace a relationship built with your child’s teacher.  Your child’s teacher is the one that spends seven hours a day with your son or daughter.

● Your kid may be right.  Academic databases are often incorrect.  Don’t forget that there is an overwhelmed person behind Infinite Campus who is busy teaching your child.  Sometimes they don’t get all the grades entered.  Be careful about wearing your combat gear at the front door waiting for your child to come home, armed only with what you’ve seen on the computer.

● Be careful about becoming dependent on computer-based technology as your academic babysitter.  Whether your child has missing assignments or not, technology does not replace real life skills.  If your child is struggling to get homework completed or turned in, focus instead on teaching your child how to become more organized, self-sufficient, and independent.

● Watch for warning signs that you are power struggling with your kids about school assignments and grades, especially if it is happening frequently.  Do not get lulled into thinking that lecturing your child or monitoring every move from Infinite Campus is helping them.  Lecturing helps parents feel better;  It very rarely creates behavior change in kids.  Challenge yourself to step back and examine your approach, your goals and your values.

● Think about the whole, rather than the parts.  It’s easy to get focused on the small details and converge on every single assignment.  Would you want your boss to examine and challenge you on every single paper that crossed your desk at work?  Few people grow when micro-managed.  Highlight the end product instead.  Your child is an individual and may do things differently than you.  As long as they are learning something throughout the year and earning acceptable grades, perhaps it’s ok to remark about those missing assignments but refrain from waging war at the dinner table because the Huckleberry Finn poem didn’t get turned in.

Losing Faith in the World? Head to Homecoming

I am a sucker for all things sappy and sentimental.  The annual Homecoming Parade in my little town is just that.  It is the most quintessentially small town, Norman Rockwell-esque event I attend all year – and I just love it.

This year’s parade came at a great time.  It’s been easy to lose a little faith in the world: the world’s economy is a mess, American politics are getting uglier by the day, and our technology driven-celebrity obsessed-super rushed culture can make me want to scream.  But just when I am about to lose faith along come the cheerleaders, football players, and band members of the local high school marching down the street in front of my office.

The teenagers restore my faith in our culture and young people.  I love knowing that parades are still fun to them, crepe-paper floats are still worth building, and the homecoming dance is still something to be looked forward to.  In fact, for all our technological advances, much of high school is still what it has always been: a popularity contest, a time to get excited about first dates and crushes, and a time to show unabashed school spirit – among many other things.

So, if you’re feeling a little jaded this weekend, head to your local high school.  You will be reassured to know that high school is just how you left it.

What could be better than this?

High School Pressure and Glee

Photo by Glee on Fox

Wow.  A lot of potential blog topics were presented on last night’s Glee episode, Asian F.  The one that stuck with me was how they portrayed the pressure the seniors in the New Directions are under.  Pressure to make their mark at school, pressure to find out who they really are, pressure to get accepted into the best college, pressure to pick a career path.  Watching Rachel, Kurt, Finn, and Brittany struggle with these issues brought up memories of my own senior stressors.  Ugh…it wasn’t pretty.

So how can you assist the high schoolers in your life keep things in perspective?

Focus on relationships.  In last night’s episode, Kurt reminded us that it’s not all about accomplishments, but that friendships and treating folks right is important too.  Making and keeping friends, building relationships with mentors, and learning how to successfully interact with others is a crucial part of high school – even though you won’t earn a grade.

There are multiple ways to get there.  Have a child who yearns to be a singer?  Let her know that there are lots of ways to make that happen.  Enrolling in a music conservatory, majoring in music at the local college, or simply singing in the church choir are all ways to incorporate music into her life.  The idea that she HAS to get into one school or program in order to achieve her dreams is a good way to reach stress overload.

Life is long.  Luckily, most of us live fairly long lives.  This means that we have plenty of time to make mistakes, try lots of things, and change our minds a time or two.  Very few 17 year olds know what they want to do with their lives, and that’s OK!  Try to maintain a sense of adventure and openness with your children rather than forcing them to make decisions before it’s developmentally or emotionally appropriate.

Don’t get too attached.  It’s easy as a parent to become attached to ideas our children bring up.  Your son mentions he would like to be a doctor and you assume that will be his reality.  But remember, his job is to change his mind and try out new ideas.  Go with the flow and don’t cling to any idea too hard.  It will drive you both crazy.

Do you know a high school senior frantically trying to bulk up their credentials to get into college?  Know any who are struggling to figure out who they are and what’s important to them?  How do you help them cope?

 

Traveling for Gratitude

Traveling is good for our mental health.  It gives us a break from our day to day routines, it exposes us to different ideas and cultures, and it allows us to build memories with our family and friends.  Last week I traveled from my home in suburban Colorado to rural Kentucky for a wedding.  In the midst of my trip it occurred to me that travel is good for something else, too: gratitude.  Gratitude for home, gratitude for other people and places; traveling can an opportunity to open our eyes to the things that are good about the world.

There’s no doubt about it, rural Kentucky culture couldn’t be more different than suburban Colorado culture.   The sharp contrast made it easy for me to find some things about both places to be grateful for.

A few things that made me grateful for home:

Photo by Jesse Varner

Resources.  As I made an unexpected visit to the hospital on my trip, I realized how lucky I am to have new, clean, and efficient medical care so close to my home.  I am also fortunate to live in a community that believes is supporting schools, public libraries, and recreation so that I am never at a loss for things to do and never have to worry that my children are getting the best opportunities.  I am grateful because this is not the case everywhere.

“Home cooking.”  I like to think of myself as easy-to-please when it comes to food.  The truth is, I am a bit (sigh) high maintenance.  As I spent time in the land of fried green tomatoes, biscuits and gravy, and hot browns, I became grateful for the abundance of fresh fruits and vegetables near my home that better suit my palate.

Wide open spaces.  Kentucky is a seriously beautiful place.  But it can’t compare to Colorado; sorry to those who disagree.  It is rare that I visit a place that I think is prettier than my home state.  Perhaps that’s the thing about being grateful for home though, it makes it seem like the most gorgeous place in the world.

A few things that made me grateful for Kentucky:

Photo by Kentucky APWA

Attitude.  I find Coloradans to be pretentious and snobby at times.  I didn’t see that at all in rural Kentucky.  The folks seemed to be more interested in living their lives, taking care of themselves and their families, and having fun than to bother with the high-brow attitude I sometimes encounter in Colorado.  What a breath of fresh air.  I hope I can remember their easy going attitude the next time I take myself too seriously.

Family.  Many of the folks I know in Colorado have moved here to escape overbearing mothers, annoying fathers, and other less-than-desirable family situations.  I didn’t see that so much in Kentucky.  Rather, families stayed living within driving distance of one another, no matter how irritating.  It’s easy to take our families for granted, but most of us would agree that having a sense of gratitude for the positives they bring to our lives is a better stance.

Manners.  “Would you like another glass of sweet tea, ma’am?”  I never get sick of the good manners in the south.  I wish they would catch on all over the country.  There’s just something about showing respect for each other in our speech patterns and behavior that seems like a more civilized – and healthy – way to live.

A few things that made me grateful to be an American:

Photo by jcolman

Traveling home on September 11, 2011 was a little anxiety-provoking.  Seeing video footage of the planes flying into the World Trade Center while sitting in the airport didn’t make it easier.  But in the end, I was left with a profound sense of gratitude that as an American I have a government that really cares about my safety even though I haven’t really done anything to deserve that concern.  I’m grateful that there are competent TSA agents who check our bags before we board planes, and highly trained pilots flying up-to-date aircraft so that I can zip around the country on a whim.  And I’m grateful to know that – as we learned on September 11, 2001 – the vast majority of Americans care about each other and will do what needs to be done in moments of crisis.  Whether it be attacking a terrorist, clearing debris from a disaster site, giving blood, donating money, or praying for each other – Americans care for each other when care is needed.  I’m so grateful for that.

 

 

Homework: A Psychologist’s Perspective

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Photo by: Peapodsquadmom

 

I have written before about my thoughts on homework.  Mainly, I’m against it.  At least for elementary schoolers, and possibly even for middle schoolers.  I can see the benefits of homework for high schoolers.  Reading literature, working on calculus problems, and writing up science experiments seem like worthy ways to spend time for the high school set.  But “work sheets” for young kids and tweens mostly seem like a waste of time.

In talking to a colleague the other day (who shared my opinion), I tried to come up with a few guidelines for when I think homework might be appropriate for kids.  Admittedly, I am not an educator and don’t share their expertise and perspective on homework (I am open to comments!).  This is what I think from the perspective of a psychologist:

Goals.  There should be a clear goal when homework is given.  Homework for homework’s sake is not a good enough reason for me.  There should be a compelling reason that children need to crack open the books at home.

Priorities.  I am always hopeful that teachers and administrators keep in mind that each minute a child spends doing homework is one less minute they can spend: exercising, spending quality time with family, engaging in music lessons, volunteering in the community, preparing healthy meals, relaxing, engaging in imaginative play, and/or getting the sleep they need to grow and thrive.  Is the homework assigned more important than those things?  If not, then it can probably be skipped.

Development.  In order for homework to be an effective teaching tool, children should be able to remember they have homework, be able to read the assignment and understand the task, complete the assignment with minimal (if any) parental help, put the work in their bag, and return it to their teacher – all without assistance.  If they require more than minimal parental assistance on any of these steps – they are just too young!  Homework should not be an added burden for the parents and/or a daily potential fight between family members – but an adjunct to the hours spent in school.

Teachers, parents, educators – what am I missing?  Are there reasons for assigning homework that I am missing?  Other guidelines you employ when deciding whether or not to assign homework?