Category: Stress Management

Stressing over Stress Management

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Ahhh...this looks like a stress management tip I can handle!

I case you missed my talk last night at the 3rd Annual Women’s Symposium here in Colorado, here’s some of the stuff I talked about:

Sometimes stress management stresses us out.  Do you know what I mean?  It goes something like this:

I should do yoga 3x/week

I should be meditating in the morning for 30 minutes before my family gets up

I should be communing with nature everyday

Ummm…right.  Those things just aren’t going to happen for me.  Perhaps they should, but they’re not.  And it certainly doesn’t help matters to feel stressed about not doing the “right” things for stress management.  So I’m offering an alternative.  A few cheap and easy de-stressors  – some of which you might already be doing.

  • Breathe. Take a few deep breaths a couple times a day.  Imagine you are blowing on a bubble wand or a dandelion to ensure the really cleansing, relaxing kinds of breath I’m talking about.
  • Learn something new. Try out a class, get a book at the library, or watch a video on YouTube – there are lots of ways to learn new skills.
  • Remember something old. Think back to activities that used to bring you joy and give them a try again.  Rollerskating, anyone?
  • Get crafty. Crafting is a time-honored way for women to connect and de-stress (think sewing circles and quilting bees).  Pick up some yarn, a needle, some beads, a paintbrush – something to get the creative juices flowing.
  • Have sex.  Research tells us that that having safe sex with another willing adult can be one of the best stress-relievers around!
  • Pick up the phone.  Calling a friend can be a wonderful way to gain a new perspective on life.
  • Move your body. Take a walk, stretch a little bit, dance to the radio – do something to move your body in a new way.
  • Laugh.  Laughter really can be the best medicine.  And finding funny things has never been easier with the internet!
  • Do something fun.  This may seem like a no-brainer, but how often do we really do things just for the fun of it?

Now, get out there and do some de-stressing.

Making the Most of Dinnertime

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Dinnertime provides some of the best teaching opportunities. Setting the table correctly, chewing with your mouth closed, and always passing the salt and pepper together are important things for kids (and adults!) to know. But, as a psychologist who works with lots of families and children, I think the lessons available to be learned at dinnertime can be much greater and more meaningful than simple, Emily Post-like etiquette.

Communication. When all is said and done, I’m not sure there are many more important skills in life than being able to communicate effectively with others. Speaking clearly and honestly, listening attentively, not interrupting, asking – and answering – questions in succinct, but interesting ways – these are some of the most important things in life. So why not use dinnertime as the ultimate communication training ground for your family? Some tips:

  • Everyone talks. Good manners dictate that everyone should have an opportunity to speak – not just the loudest, oldest, youngest, or funniest among us. Encourage each member of your family to share something about their day or a cool story they heard on the news.
  • Everyone listens. Sure dad’s tales from the office might be boring to the kids, but you know what? Listening attentively when someone is talking = good manners. While talking about age-appropriate things at the dinner table is important, avoid “dumbing down” all conversations for the sake of the kids. Learning to listen to other people’s stories in a polite way is an important lesson of childhood.

Responsibility. There is a lot of work that goes into preparing dinner, and it’s important that all family members know it. Earning money to buy the food, going to the grocery store, preparing the meal, cleaning up afterwords – meals are seriously time and energy consuming! Take this opportunity to instruct your kids about each family member’s responsibilities in the home. Some tips:

  • Review the process. Sometimes we as parents forget to include kids in the business of running a household. While they don’t need to know the intricacies of the budget, it is important that they know the relationship between work, money, and food. Food isn’t free, and meals don’t prepare themselves (even when they come from the drive-thru!). Talk to your kids about where their food comes from, how you decide what to buy at the store, and where you learned to make the dishes you prepare. They might be more interested than you think!
  • Give them a job. Everyone should have a job around mealtime. Whether it’s planning the meals, preparing the food, setting the table, or cleaning up afterwords, everyone can pitch in. Use this opportunity to help your kids learn about managing household tasks. Dinnertime is the perfect time to encourage your family to work as a team.

Relax. Life moves fast. So fast that many of us feel we need to be “plugged-in” all day long. How many hours (or minutes?) of the day do we really spend without some form of technology buzzing in the background? If you’re like me – not many. Yet we all know that taking time to relax, unwind, and unplug are important parts of maintaining health. So in addition to using dinnertime as a time to feed ourselves, teach positive communication and responsibility – why not use it as a technology-free zone too? Some tips:

  • Turn it off. I’m talking the TV, the computers, the radio, and yes, even your phones. Use the 15-30 minutes you spend at the dinner table to connect in a real, live, face-to-face way with your family. It might be a struggle at first, but I promise it will get easier with practice. And don’t forget: If you expect your kids to ignore the calls and the texts at the table – that means you need to, too!
  • Slow it down. Someone recently told me that in generations past, parents used to chat after dinner while sipping on coffee. I laughed out loud! There’s no way I would have time to do that – and certainly no way my kids would let me get away with it! But as I thought more, it occurred to me how nice it would be to linger over dinner, rather than shove down my food, then immediately move onto the next task. While it may not be realistic in this day and age to sip a latte until 9pm, perhaps we can remember to slow down, taste and appreciate our food, and – most importantly – take time to enjoy our loved ones around the table.

Not sure where to start in making the most of dinnertime with your family?  Try picking one of the above tips and giving it a try for a week – see if it makes a difference.  And ask your kids what they think – they will surely have some ideas of their own about how to make dinnertime memorable.

I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and Kraft Homestyle Macaroni and Cheese blogging program, for a gift card worth $50. For more information on how you can participate, click here.

The Thing About Negativity…

…is that it’s infectious.

This has been a tough week.  Schools have been closed, kids have been sick, we’re all tired of winter – but the thing that really brings me down is hearing complaints and negativity from others when I am trying to mind my own business.  Does that ever happen to you?  You’re day is going swimmingly until someone (could be a stranger, and acquaintance, or friend) brings you down with their negativity?  Here are some examples of what I’m talking about:

You’re trying to watch your son’s basketball practice in peace, but another parent keeps talking to you about the ills of the basketball program and why you should all stage a coup against the coach.

You’re trying to shovel your driveway as quickly as you can, when a neighbor comes over to tell you how angry they are at the homeowners association for changing the trash pick-up day, and how she thinks you should write a letter of complaint and stop paying your dues in protest.

You’re at the grocery store when an acquaintance corners you in the dairy section to talk you about how terrible the school system is, why it’s ruining his family, and how all teachers and administrators in the district should be ousted.

So, how do you cope when you’re cornered?  How do you keep from letting someone else’s grievances ruin your otherwise happy day?  Here are a few tricks I keep up my sleeve for just these occasions:

Wear headphones. I’m serious.  After years of “research” I’m convinced that wearing earphones (whether music is actually playing through them or not) is one of the best ways to defend yourself against unwanted negativity.  You can still smile and wave at passersby, but you won’t be expected to engage with them.

Keep moving.  I often share this tip with clients who tend to get caught up in conversations with neighbors and others when they don’t want to: keep walking.  See another parent at the grocery? A negative neighbor down the block? An old co-worker at the mall?  Smile, wave, say a quick hello – but never let your feet stop moving.

Don’t join in. Negativity is a slippery slope.  It’s infectious, it’s catching, and it’s hard to shake.  The best thing to do is not even start, even if you sound like a polyanna.  Find a way to get out of the conversation before you are tempted to go down that negative path.

Be picky. I don’t give my time out freely.  I don’t do this to be a snob, but geez – my time is precious!  Between work, family, household duties, etc there just isn’t much of “me” leftover.  So when it comes to the little free time I do have, I am really stingy about how I spend it, and who I spend it with.

Sometimes we forget how much control we have over the social aspects of our lives.  Remembering to take control of life when you can (including how you spend your time, who you spend it with, and what kind of friend you are to others) can be the ultimate protection against the abundance of negativity in the world.


The Winter Blahs: A Romantic Lunch Date

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What could be a better antidote for the winter blahs than a romantic lunch date?  Whether it’s with your partner of 20 years or a best friend, looking forward to a mid-week meal at a special place can be just the thing to warm our spirits during this long, cold month.

So in this week’s installment of The Winter Blahs, I suggest making a date with your mate for a mid-week lunch.  Get a sitter, tell your boss you have a dentist appointment, raid the piggy bank – do whatever you need to do to get away to some place special for lunch.  During a recent lunch date of my own, I enjoyed a delicious salad:

That alone would have made the date, but then I ended it with this:

YUM! And did I mention that the chef is a Food Network star?  AWESOME!

Good food and time alone are great, but what about conversation? To get the most out of a romantic lunch with your partner, try this: Keep family business off the table.  By that I mean no talking about the business of running your household and family.  No conversation about:

  • kids
  • pets
  • bills
  • work drama
  • house repairs
  • retirement funds

Instead, remember back to when you first knew each other and the above didn’t exist.  Don’t know where to start?  How about:

  • current events
  • dreams for the future
  • books
  • movies
  • sports
  • hobbies
  • anything that doesn’t involve family, money or work!

Most of all, have fun beating back the winter blahs for the day – all while keeping your relationship fresh and exciting!

A Little Rant on Homework

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I hear it all the time:

“Trying to get my son/daughter to do his/her homework every night is DRIVING ME CRAZY!”

And I totally get it.  Though my kids are pretty young, the bit of work they do bring home can bring them (and me) to tears.

My question is why? WHY? Why do they need homework?  And why do we as parents need to tie ourselves up in knots trying to get it done?

As I was thinking about writing this post, I started adding up all the things we as parents and kids “need” to do to stay “healthy” according to the experts (like, um….me).  And in thinking about all the advice I have heard (and given) about raising healthy kids, I have put together a little bit of a schedule of what might be a typical day for a “healthy” kid.

3:30: Get out of school

3:35-3:50: Transport home from school.  This might the bus, a scooter, or a mini-van.

3:50-4:05: Snack time.  No Cheetos and Coke for this kid.  Sliced apples, peanut butter, and organic milk is a better bet.

4:05-4:10: Unload backpack. As so much paperwork and books come home each night, our healthy kid should use only a rolling backpack so as not to cause skeletal problems down the road.  And all these papers take time to sort through and organize  – with the help of a parent of course.

4:10-5:10: Physical Activity.  As many schools have either cut out or drastically decreased their physical education courses, kids now need to get their exercise during non-school hours.  Whether it’s an organized sport or riding bikes around the block, experts tell us that kids need 60 minutes of vigorous play everyday to grow up to a healthy weight.

5:10-5:30: Bathe.  With all that activity, our healthy kid needs to get clean!

5:30-6:15: Cook dinner.  Healthy living doesn’t end with exercise, it also means eating a healthy diet.  And experts tell us that one way to instill healthy eating habits in kids is by teaching them how to cook.  So forget about going through the McDonald’s drive-in or throwing some hot dogs in the microwave – our healthy kid needs to learn how to cook healthy, from-scratch (preferably organic) meals.  All this teaching might mean that dinner prep takes a little longer – but it’s worth it!

6:15-6:45: Eat together.  We all know that eating dinner as a family is one of the best ways to encourage communication and family cohesion – family dinner time is also associated with better adjusted kids and teens.  Definitely don’t want our healthy kid to skip this.

6:45-7:00: Be responsible.  We all want responsible kids, and responsible kids have chores.  Clearing the table, doing the dishes, feeding the dog.  Our healthy kid needs to spend at least a few minutes each day helping keep the family and the house running smoothly.

7:00-8:00: Hobby time.  One of the things I often encourage kids to do is be involved in something outside of school.  Whether it’s Boy Scouts, church youth group, community theater, Lego club, or 4-H.  We know that hobbies can be a great stress reliever.  I also believe that spending time with kids who AREN’T part of a kid’s regular peer group (school friends) is important.  Gone are the lines that separate the “popular kids” from the “nerds” when you mix children from lots of different schools – our healthy kid surely needs time for this.

8:00: Eek! Where did the time go?  It’s 8:00 and our healthy kid hasn’t had a moment to relax and enjoy unstructured time – something the experts also warn us not to forego.  And don’t forget that many American children (and adults) suffer from too-little sleep.  So if your elementary school aged child needs to wake at 7:00am, then she should probably be going to bed around 8:00pm.

So where does homework fit in, in the life of a healthy child?  My imaginary schedule just doesn’t leave room for it – and I think that is exactly the spot in which many families find themselves. With all the other things that we need to accomplish in the precious hours after school, is it really necessary, or productive, to spend more than a few minutes of it doing school work?  And as many of you probably noticed, I made some assumptions in my schedule, namely: our healthy kid has at least one stay-at-home parent, no siblings with their own crazy schedules, and not much time is spent driving from one activity to the next – further issues that complicate many families’ lives.

What am I missing? Where and how does homework fit into a healthy lifestyle?  And what does doing hours of homework each week accomplish?

The Winter Blahs: Grow Something

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Paperwhites...a touch of spring in January

For all us gardeners and flower-lovers, winter can sometimes feel like just one big wait until growing season starts again.  Even for those who don’t like to get their hands in the dirt, winter can start to feel awfully gray and bleak.  A good remedy? Grow something inside.  Whether it’s a Chia-Pet, kitchen herbs, or forced bulbs, it is possible to enjoy the new life and bright green of young plants in the winter!  And they’re not just pretty, flowers can help us in lots of ways, including:

They boost our mood. A study by Dr. Nancy Etcoff and Harvard Medical School found that cut flowers in the home not only helped boost people’s mood and decrease their worries, their presence was also associated with higher levels of energy and enthusiasm.  How cool is that?

They teach responsibility. Whether it’s our own responsibility that needs improving – or our kids’ -  taking care of a flower can be a great way to get started.  They’re not as tough as a pet, but flowers do require regular watering and plenty of sunshine.  Have a kid who needs to learn to take care of things?  Flowers can be a super way to start.

They teach patience. As anyone who has ever grown anything from a bulb or a seed knows – gardening is not about instant gratification.  It’s about waiting patiently, and maintaining hope that your efforts will pay off.  Just the things we try to keep in mind when saving for retirement, training for a 5K, or encouraging our children to practice the piano.  In my opinion, there are few lessons more needed in this fast-paced, instant-gratification culture than that of patience and hope.

The Winter Blahs: Ice Skating

Welcome to activity idea #1  for my new series, The Winter Blahs!  Instead of fighting the cold for this one, I thought I should try joining it.  This weekend I went ice skating with a group of families and I have to admit that it was a lot of fun.  The rink was tiny, the skates uncomfortable, the temperature frigid – but I still enjoyed myself.  As I watched the skaters (of all ages) go round and round, I realized I was smack in the middle of a great teaching opportunity.  What better way to teach our children (and ourselves) about life than on a cold, hard, circular rink?

You’re going to fall. It didn’t matter the skill level of the skater, I think I saw everyone fall at least once.  And you know what they all did afterwords?  Get up.  A few us might have been a little embarrassed, a little sore, and maybe even cried a few tears – but none of us stayed down for long.  We got up, shook it off, and started going around again.  I know I will be reminding my kids (and myself) of our resiliency on the ice rink when we stumble in other situations going forward.

If you don’t try, you don’t have fun. As I’ve said before, I am an anti-perfectionist.  And I encourage others to be as well.  Ice skating can be a great lesson that joining in the activity is where the fun is.  It’s not in being the best, or being perfect.  Ice skating is one of those great activities where perfection is absolutely unattainable!

Complaining isn’t cool. I watched a few of the kids in my group start to complain about the cold, or the wet, or the difficulty of the activity.  But you know what?  The other kids didn’t pay attention.  They simply got their skates on and proceeded to fall, laugh, and chase each other.  You know what happened to the complainers back on the bench?  They figured out that they were missing the fun, stopped their negative comments, and joined the party.  Now who among us couldn’t use that lesson?

Adios Amigo: The Importance of Unfriending

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One of my Facebook “friends” started out the new year by announcing that as part of his New Year’s resolutions he was going to be cleansing his Facebook account of all unwanted friends*.  At the end of his post he announced that his unwanted “friends” would know they didn’t make the cut when they no longer saw his (frequent) posts.  At first I thought: “How rude!” Why would he proclaim such a thing for all the world to see?  But as I thought about it more, it occurred to me how important this act really is.

Do any of us really have 647 friends?  Do we really want to know what some of those old high school classmates are doing?  Do we really want to hear about the neighbors’ kids’ little league stats after every game?  Do we really want to know that our old college friend can still fit into her wedding dress 15 years later?  Um…no.

So perhaps as we start a new year, in addition to organizing our closets, and coming up with creative resolutions, we can also try to remember the definition of a true friend:  Someone we really care for, and want the best for – and someone who wants the same for us.  Someone we would rather pick up the phone and talk to, or drive across town for – and not someone whose life we watch from a computer screen miles away.

And perhaps by clearing out the non-friends from our “friends” list, we can remember who – and what – is important in our lives.  What makes us happy and what relieves our stress?  If we are honest with ourselves, reading about far away people from our distant past only makes us out of touch with the people and things we truly care about in the here and now.

*I didn’t make the cut

Craft Time: Good for Our Mental Health

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Whether it’s at preschool, elementary school, home, girl scouts, or even in the psychologist’s office – I have found that almost all kids love crafts. Even tough 12-year-old boys can usually be talked into making a collage out of sports magazines or decorating a poster for their rooms.

But sometimes I wonder what kids really get out of arts and crafts. Is it really worth it to lug out all those craft supplies and then (ugh) put them all back? And what about the psychological effects of crafting – is it something I should be including in my professional work? And what about for us adults? Should one of our New Year’s resolutions be to spend more time at the easel (or sewing machine, or potter’s wheel, or table saw)?

Below are some thoughts about the benefits of participating in arts and crafts…and I hope to hear your thoughts on some I am sure I have missed.

It’s creative. Ok, so this is a no-brainer. But I think it is important to remember that kids (and adults too) don’t have much time to be fully creative in their everyday lives. Math problems, gym class, homework assignments, chores at home – most of these things need to be done in a certain way. But art is something different. When presented in an open-ended way, kids are free to do/create/design whatever they please.

It’s messy. An important part of learning and development includes experiencing different sensations in a tactile way. Squishy, sticky, pokey, fuzzy. Craft supplies can provide kids with opportunities to feel all these sensations. In addition, arts and crafts time allows us to get some paint on our hands and glue under our nails. Most kids enjoy creating a mess – and teaching them to help clean up afterwords is an important benefit too.

It’s not about perfection. I am an anti-perfectionist. And I encourage others around me to forego perfectionism as well. Kids and adults who hold themselves to such high standards often struggle to enjoy life, try new things, and be tolerant of others. Crafts can be a wonderful way to help kids get used to the idea of enjoying the creative process, instead of getting hung up on a perfect end result.

It’s a good way to get talking. If you’ve ever been part of a quilting bee, a sewing circle, or any kind of craft group you know that the main purpose of the group is often not the craft, but the conversations that happen in between. When our hands and eyes are busy creating, it often makes it easier for us to talk about tough things. Having trouble getting your tween to open up? Teenager not talking like she used to? Try doing a craft together and see what happens.

Need some ideas about where to start in the crafting world? Check out Family Fun Magazine, take a class at Michael’s; or for older kids and grown-ups check out Made (one of my favorite blogs), or V and Co.

Getting Organized…for Good

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Guest Post: Written by Kelly Moore, owner Moore Efficiency Solutions Denver, CO.

Getting organized in the New Year is on many of our minds as we plan our resolutions.  We make ambitious plans to “stay on top of things” so that we can stress less and accomplish more.  Yet the resolution to finally “get organized” can be full of pitfalls and setbacks.  If becoming more organized is on your list of resolutions this year, check out these tips:

Begin the Battle.  One of the biggest barriers to becoming organized hits many of us right off the bat: “Where in the world to start?”  The garage?  The attic?  The kitchen?  The office?  The answer?  Start where it will have the most impact for you on a day-to-day basis.  This will keep you motivated and energized to tackle more organizing projects as you reap the benefits of your hard work.  Consider where you spend a significant amount of time.  For many of us it is likely a location such as the kitchen, your office, or a family room.

Maintain Your Focus.  Managing your time while working on an organizing project can be tricky.  Have  you ever set out to organize your home office, say, only to look up at the clock an hour later because you got distracted looking at your old high school yearbook?  Sometimes good intentions quickly evaporate as we become distracted during the organizing process. Try this trick: Set an egg timer for 10 minutes.  Begin your organizing task, and when it goes off ask yourself, “Am I still doing what I need to be doing or do I need to re-focus?”

Don’t Go it Alone. One reason organizing on your own can be overwhelming is because you can lose perspective on the things that are and aren’t important.  If you are someone who tends to hang onto things “just in case,” consider asking a friend or hiring a professional organizer to help you wade through your possessions.  Someone without an emotional attachment to your things can help you make decisions about what you really should keep and what’s just taking up space.  It might be hard to believe, but you probably won’t miss that 80’s cocktail dress in your closet that’s 2 sizes too small.

Go Easy on Yourself (and Your Kids…and Your Spouse). What can ruin your feeling of organizing accomplishments faster than anything else?  Walking into a recently organized space only to find that your kids (or spouse) have foiled your efforts!  Before you say or do something you regret, remember organization is not a going to happen overnight.  It is a lifestyle that takes time to become habit.  Communicate and reinforce your expectations to your family.  If you expect your kids to hang their coat and backpack in the entryway, be sure to do it yourself and be prepared to remind them when they forget. If you want to be organized in the long haul, be patient with yourself and your kids – good habits take lots of practice.

Kelly Moore, owner - Moore Efficiency Solutions