Author: drstephaniesmith

Life Through the Eyes of a Psychologist

Making the Most of Dinnertime

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Dinnertime provides some of the best teaching opportunities. Setting the table correctly, chewing with your mouth closed, and always passing the salt and pepper together are important things for kids (and adults!) to know. But, as a psychologist who works with lots of families and children, I think the lessons available to be learned at dinnertime can be much greater and more meaningful than simple, Emily Post-like etiquette.

Communication. When all is said and done, I’m not sure there are many more important skills in life than being able to communicate effectively with others. Speaking clearly and honestly, listening attentively, not interrupting, asking – and answering – questions in succinct, but interesting ways – these are some of the most important things in life. So why not use dinnertime as the ultimate communication training ground for your family? Some tips:

  • Everyone talks. Good manners dictate that everyone should have an opportunity to speak – not just the loudest, oldest, youngest, or funniest among us. Encourage each member of your family to share something about their day or a cool story they heard on the news.
  • Everyone listens. Sure dad’s tales from the office might be boring to the kids, but you know what? Listening attentively when someone is talking = good manners. While talking about age-appropriate things at the dinner table is important, avoid “dumbing down” all conversations for the sake of the kids. Learning to listen to other people’s stories in a polite way is an important lesson of childhood.

Responsibility. There is a lot of work that goes into preparing dinner, and it’s important that all family members know it. Earning money to buy the food, going to the grocery store, preparing the meal, cleaning up afterwords – meals are seriously time and energy consuming! Take this opportunity to instruct your kids about each family member’s responsibilities in the home. Some tips:

  • Review the process. Sometimes we as parents forget to include kids in the business of running a household. While they don’t need to know the intricacies of the budget, it is important that they know the relationship between work, money, and food. Food isn’t free, and meals don’t prepare themselves (even when they come from the drive-thru!). Talk to your kids about where their food comes from, how you decide what to buy at the store, and where you learned to make the dishes you prepare. They might be more interested than you think!
  • Give them a job. Everyone should have a job around mealtime. Whether it’s planning the meals, preparing the food, setting the table, or cleaning up afterwords, everyone can pitch in. Use this opportunity to help your kids learn about managing household tasks. Dinnertime is the perfect time to encourage your family to work as a team.

Relax. Life moves fast. So fast that many of us feel we need to be “plugged-in” all day long. How many hours (or minutes?) of the day do we really spend without some form of technology buzzing in the background? If you’re like me – not many. Yet we all know that taking time to relax, unwind, and unplug are important parts of maintaining health. So in addition to using dinnertime as a time to feed ourselves, teach positive communication and responsibility – why not use it as a technology-free zone too? Some tips:

  • Turn it off. I’m talking the TV, the computers, the radio, and yes, even your phones. Use the 15-30 minutes you spend at the dinner table to connect in a real, live, face-to-face way with your family. It might be a struggle at first, but I promise it will get easier with practice. And don’t forget: If you expect your kids to ignore the calls and the texts at the table – that means you need to, too!
  • Slow it down. Someone recently told me that in generations past, parents used to chat after dinner while sipping on coffee. I laughed out loud! There’s no way I would have time to do that – and certainly no way my kids would let me get away with it! But as I thought more, it occurred to me how nice it would be to linger over dinner, rather than shove down my food, then immediately move onto the next task. While it may not be realistic in this day and age to sip a latte until 9pm, perhaps we can remember to slow down, taste and appreciate our food, and – most importantly – take time to enjoy our loved ones around the table.

Not sure where to start in making the most of dinnertime with your family?  Try picking one of the above tips and giving it a try for a week – see if it makes a difference.  And ask your kids what they think – they will surely have some ideas of their own about how to make dinnertime memorable.

I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and Kraft Homestyle Macaroni and Cheese blogging program, for a gift card worth $50. For more information on how you can participate, click here.

Give Valentine’s Day A New Meaning

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The countdown has begun…just 3 more days until Valentine’s Day.  I’m not sure there is any more dreaded or maligned holiday than this one.  But in the spirit of coping with the winter blahs, I have a challenge: Give Valentine’s Day a New Meaning.

Instead of making Valentine’s Day about ooey-gooey, super-sappy, over-the-top romance – why not make it about love and friendship towards everyone in your life?  Sort of like a wintertime Thanksgiving – except that instead of turkey we have chocolate.  And instead of orange, brown, and green the colors are pink, white, and red.  And instead of Native Americans and pilgrims, we have…ummmm…more chocolate!

Need some ideas of how to give Valentine’s Day a new meaning to you and your family?

Make and send cards. Crafting cards of love and friendship is a great way to spend cold winter nights.  Break out the glitter, jewels, felt, and stickers  and have fun sending your love through the mail.  Don’t forget to make cards for your kids, your neighbors, your co-workers, your kids’ teachers, etc.  Who wouldn’t appreciate a little bit of love next week?

Restaurant night. Instead of going out for dinner with your partner, why not have a restaurant night at home with the whole gang?  Include the kids in a “fancy” dinner including candles, yummy food, placemats, and flowers.  Show your kids that Valentine’s Day can be celebrated as a family – and isn’t just for lovers.

Decorate the house. This winter has been a tough one and it’s not even close to over.  So why not brighten up the joint with some hearts, flowers, and other Valentine’s Day decor?  Brightening up your home will surely help lift a weary winter heart.

Serious stuff. In addition to the fun things above, why not use this time of year to talk to your kids about all-things-love?  Is it time to start talking to your children about dating and/or sex?  What do you want to teach your kids about how to behave in relationships?  What sorts of lessons are you teaching your children about romantic love through your own behaviors?  Try using TV shows, movies, videos, and songs as a springboard for these conversations.  Here’s a start:  Cee Lo Green’s “Forget You.” Lots to talk about here: What should you do for love, how do you manage heartbreak, how do you treat a past love, how do you know who’s right for you – the possibilities are endless.  Have fun!

A Little Girl’s (and a Mom’s) Broken Heart

My heart was broken the other day.  No, not broken – more like ripped from my chest thrown around, stomped on, and then smashed.  You see, my daughter’s heart was broken and watching her pain was almost more than I could stand.

It was one of those friend things.  One of those “I was the only one who didn’t get invited,” “No one picked me to be on their team,” “She said she’d play with me but then played with Sally instead” sort of heartbreaks.  We’ve all been there and it’s awful.  But it’s worse when you watch it as the mom.

It’s worse because I should have prevented it – or wished I could have anyway.  I should have protected her, kept a closer eye on the company she was keeping, or taught her to shrug off this kind of slight (as if that’s possible).  It’s worse because not only am I watching her cry and hurt, but because I know it won’t be the last time she feels this way.  There will be sleepovers she’s not included in, dances she doesn’t have a date to, friends for whom she can never measure up.  And it’s worse because it reminds me of all my own heartbreaks over the same things.

So we cried together and hugged and loved, and tried to make the best of the day.  What else is there to do other than to show her that pain happens, and that we move ahead – maybe a little stronger, or tougher, or more wary – and that her mom will always be there to comfort her when she’s hurt again.

Your First Session with a Psychologist – Is There a Good Fit?

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I have written on this topic before, including posts on how to set up your first session with a psychologist, and what to bring with you when you go.  But for today’s post I am going to focus on “fit.”  There has been quite a bit written on the topic of whether or not one has a good “fit” with their psychologist, and how goodness-of-fit affects progress and positive outcomes of treatment.  For this post I am going to focus on how to assess fit in the first session.

First contact. Different things are important to different people.  For me, prompt, courteous customer service is key.  Whatever your priorities, you can likely tell a lot about a prospective psychologist by the very first contact.  Do they use email? Have an answering service? Take phone calls only at certain times of the day and week? Offer online scheduling?  How do the logistics of their practice fit with your needs?

The waiting game. Some psychologists can see new people within a day or two, while others have weeks or months-long waiting lists.  What is going to fit with you? Can you safely wait to see someone until next month, or would you prefer to get started right away?  What about after the first appointment: will you have to wait another month for the next session?

The office. Once you have made the first appointment, and you are in the office – how does it feel to you?  Does the location feel safe? Is it convenient to your home or office? Is it a place where you want to spend time?  I don’t mean to imply that all psychologists’ offices should be perfectly decorated, but when assessing fit, it is helpful to keep the physical surroundings in mind.

The face to face. OK, now to the tough stuff.  Certainly not all psychologists are going to be a good match to every client.  Just like not all of your neighbors could be your best friends.  It doesn’t mean they are bad people or unqualified, it’s just that for this type of relationship it is important to have a connection that allows for honesty and vulnerability.  Do you feel comfortable with them?  Do you feel as though you are being treated with respect? Do you feel as though you could trust them with personal information? Do you feel like you are being heard?  These are just a few of the things to keep in mind during, and after, your first session as you are trying to determine whether or not you would like to continue treatment.

With all of the above said, it is important to note that psychologist’s are not there to always say what you want to hear.  Their job is not to make you happy at any cost, or be a “yes man” in your life.  Their job is to help you reach your mental health goals, whether they be to learn to communicate in new ways, deal with stress more effectively, or gain new parenting tools.  In the course of treatment, your psychologist may need to say some things that are tough to hear, or may challenge your ideas and beliefs.  And that’s OK.  If there is a good fit and an adequate level of trust, you will be able to hear these things, make some changes, and progress in your treatment.

The Thing About Negativity…

…is that it’s infectious.

This has been a tough week.  Schools have been closed, kids have been sick, we’re all tired of winter – but the thing that really brings me down is hearing complaints and negativity from others when I am trying to mind my own business.  Does that ever happen to you?  You’re day is going swimmingly until someone (could be a stranger, and acquaintance, or friend) brings you down with their negativity?  Here are some examples of what I’m talking about:

You’re trying to watch your son’s basketball practice in peace, but another parent keeps talking to you about the ills of the basketball program and why you should all stage a coup against the coach.

You’re trying to shovel your driveway as quickly as you can, when a neighbor comes over to tell you how angry they are at the homeowners association for changing the trash pick-up day, and how she thinks you should write a letter of complaint and stop paying your dues in protest.

You’re at the grocery store when an acquaintance corners you in the dairy section to talk you about how terrible the school system is, why it’s ruining his family, and how all teachers and administrators in the district should be ousted.

So, how do you cope when you’re cornered?  How do you keep from letting someone else’s grievances ruin your otherwise happy day?  Here are a few tricks I keep up my sleeve for just these occasions:

Wear headphones. I’m serious.  After years of “research” I’m convinced that wearing earphones (whether music is actually playing through them or not) is one of the best ways to defend yourself against unwanted negativity.  You can still smile and wave at passersby, but you won’t be expected to engage with them.

Keep moving.  I often share this tip with clients who tend to get caught up in conversations with neighbors and others when they don’t want to: keep walking.  See another parent at the grocery? A negative neighbor down the block? An old co-worker at the mall?  Smile, wave, say a quick hello – but never let your feet stop moving.

Don’t join in. Negativity is a slippery slope.  It’s infectious, it’s catching, and it’s hard to shake.  The best thing to do is not even start, even if you sound like a polyanna.  Find a way to get out of the conversation before you are tempted to go down that negative path.

Be picky. I don’t give my time out freely.  I don’t do this to be a snob, but geez – my time is precious!  Between work, family, household duties, etc there just isn’t much of “me” leftover.  So when it comes to the little free time I do have, I am really stingy about how I spend it, and who I spend it with.

Sometimes we forget how much control we have over the social aspects of our lives.  Remembering to take control of life when you can (including how you spend your time, who you spend it with, and what kind of friend you are to others) can be the ultimate protection against the abundance of negativity in the world.


Is It Time to Seek Therapy?

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flowers

I often hear the question: “How do I know when it’s time for me to start therapy?”

It’s a good question.  For most of us, it is tough to know when to make the call to get help.  And it’s not only mental health help I’m talking about – but financial help, medical help, automotive help, real estate help – it’s a difficult thing to know.  Most of us want to believe we can do things on our own, or that our problem “really isn’t that bad,” or that if we ignore it, it will go away.  But, in the end our problems don’t always go away, and we may need  a little (or a lot) of assistance to stay on the right path.

So when people ask me this question, I have a few questions for them in return:

How long has your issue been going on? If you’ve been feeling worried, depressed, anxious for a day or two, that’s very different than if it has been going on for many weeks, months, or even years.

How is it affecting your life? By this I mean: Have you stopped doing things you used to enjoy because of your emotional struggles? Have your relationships suffered (with colleagues, friends, partners, family, kids) Has your ability to work suffered or changed?

What else have you tried? Therapy doesn’t have to be the first resort for dealing with emotional struggles.  Have you read any books, tried  changing your physical activities (yoga, walking, etc), talked to a trusted friend, family member, or clergy about the issue?  Any other strategies you have used to feel better? What, if anything, has helped?

How do you think therapy might help? It’s important to have a realistic idea about therapy can do for you.  It can’t change your boss, but it can help you learn better coping strategies for job stress.  It can’t change the fact that your spouse has had an affair, but it can help you (or both of you) learn different communication techniques and provide a safe forum for discussing your feelings about the breach of trust.

With the above questions in mind, it might help you be better able to decide if now is the time to seek therapy.  And if you do decide to start looking for a psychologist, check out first steps here.

What is a Psychologist Anyway?

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One of the coolest things about my career as a psychologist, is that I often get a chance to talk to reporters and other media folks about psychology and mental health.  I typically get asked questions like “What can people do to reduce their stress?” and “What can parents do to raise psychologically-healthy kids?”  These are great questions and each time I get asked them, I try to come up with interesting, unique, and useful responses.

Today I am preparing for another interview, but this time the question is a little different.  It is: “What is a psychologist anyway?”  I love this question because lots of people ask me, and I know even more people wonder about the answer to this – and related questions.  So here are my answers to questions I often hear about who we psychologists are anyway.

How much schooling do psychologists get? After graduating with a bachelor’s degree from college, the psychologist-to-be (PTB – my term, for simplicity’s sake) applies to a graduate program in psychology.  This process often includes writing essays, going through interviews, taking the GRE, obtaining recommendations, and proving an interest in (and usually experience in) working with people.  Once in the graduate program, our PTB takes lots of classes on psychology, neuroscience, statistics, etc.  The PTB also does clinical work (working with patients under close supervision) in the community and possibly within their school at a counseling center.  After 2-3 years of full time study, our PTB is eligible to earn their master’s degree – which usually means writing a thesis and/or completing super-anxiety-provoking oral and written exams.  Once that hurdle has been jumped over, the PTB can start working on their doctorate – often in the same program/school – and sometimes at a different school.  The doctoral program is similar to the master’s program, but typically involves more research, more advanced clinical work, and intense coursework.  Another 2-4 years are spent in this process until the PTB is ready to apply for their year-long clinical internship.  This is grueling process, as there are many fewer internship slots than candidates.  If our PTB is lucky enough to secure a position (at a medical center, community mental health center, or state hospital for example) they will spend the next 12 months there doing even more intensive clinical work.  After that year is completed (and all other research and academic requirements have been filled) our PTB can graduate with their doctorate (PsyD or PhD)!  Yahoo!  But it’s not over yet!  After graduation, our PTB still has to complete one year of supervised practice and only once that is completed can they sit for the licensing examination.  States vary in exactly what they require for this process, but it often includes a written or multiple choice examination, and an oral examination.  Once all that is done (5-8 years AFTER college) our PTB is officially a psychologist! Finally!

Is a psychologist a real doctor? Yes.  Psychologists really earned a real doctorate.  If by real doctor you mean a medical doctor (someone who went to medical school), then no – we aren’t real doctors by that standard.

Can psychologists prescribe medication? In a few states psychologists can earn prescriptive authority (meaning they can prescribed medication) after more intensive schoolwork, clinical work, and supervision.  Most of us do not prescribe medication, however most of us are happy to refer you to someone who can.

Is the psychologist the same thing as a counselor? No. Some psychologists might call themselves counselors, and some counselors might be psychologists, but the terms are not the same.  The term “counselor,” like “therapist,” is a pretty general term.  Social workers, marriage and family therapists, and other non-licensed folks might call themselves counselors or therapists.  “Psychologist” is a term reserved for people who have undergone the above training and licensing process and represents a much smaller group.

What’s the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist? Psychologists have PhD’s or PsyD’s (doctorates in the field of psychology) whereas psychiatrists have gone to medical school and completed a specialization in mental health/psychiatry.  In general (meaning – not always), psychologists do psychotherapy (counseling, talk-therapy) and psychiatrists work with their patients on medication management.

Which questions did I miss?

The Winter Blahs: A Romantic Lunch Date

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What could be a better antidote for the winter blahs than a romantic lunch date?  Whether it’s with your partner of 20 years or a best friend, looking forward to a mid-week meal at a special place can be just the thing to warm our spirits during this long, cold month.

So in this week’s installment of The Winter Blahs, I suggest making a date with your mate for a mid-week lunch.  Get a sitter, tell your boss you have a dentist appointment, raid the piggy bank – do whatever you need to do to get away to some place special for lunch.  During a recent lunch date of my own, I enjoyed a delicious salad:

That alone would have made the date, but then I ended it with this:

YUM! And did I mention that the chef is a Food Network star?  AWESOME!

Good food and time alone are great, but what about conversation? To get the most out of a romantic lunch with your partner, try this: Keep family business off the table.  By that I mean no talking about the business of running your household and family.  No conversation about:

  • kids
  • pets
  • bills
  • work drama
  • house repairs
  • retirement funds

Instead, remember back to when you first knew each other and the above didn’t exist.  Don’t know where to start?  How about:

  • current events
  • dreams for the future
  • books
  • movies
  • sports
  • hobbies
  • anything that doesn’t involve family, money or work!

Most of all, have fun beating back the winter blahs for the day – all while keeping your relationship fresh and exciting!

The Skeletons—and Other Things—in Your Closet

Guest Post by Kelly Moore, Owner Moore Efficiency Solutions Denver, CO

Closets are one of those spaces that can be difficult to organize.  After all, isn’t a closet meant to house all of our junk when we don’t know what else to do with it?  Fortunately, because they are small (unless you have a celebrity sized walk-in), closets can usually be organized in an afternoon. But, before you rush out to buy all the fun organizing bins, labels, and shelves, read through the tips below to help make this project a successful one.
Give the Space a Function. Before you even begin, think about what types of items should be kept in this closet.  Are you going to use it for linens? Crafts? Toys? Clothes?  Deciding the function of this closet will encourage you to find a new home for things that do not belong, thereby making more room.

Gather Your Materials. For this project, you will likely need a large trash can, recycling bin, and additional trash bags for sorting.  Find the name and location of a local charity near you where you can take any unwanted items that are still in good condition.  And, if this is a project that is going to have you occupied for the afternoon, might I suggest some enjoyable music?

Sort the Junk. Now you are ready to open that closet door and begin sorting.  This is just about grouping items based on where they belong, so resist the urge to start organizing a box of photographs or filing a bunch of papers.  Your job is to make a decision, and move onto the next item.  Here’s how you might categorize your belongings:

  • Trash and Recycling. Get rid of these things immediately, it will make the rest of your task seem less daunting.
  • Keep. Only the items that will go back into the closet should go in this pile.  Make sure that the items you are keeping in this space stay in line with the space’s function.
  • New Home. Items in this pile are things you would like to keep but need to put somewhere else.  If you found the screwdriver set in the linen closet, use this opportunity to put it back where it belongs.
  • Donate. For things that are still in good condition, consider donating them to a local charity such as ARC or Goodwill.  It will make you feel good and it’s tax deductible.
  • Unsure. Use this pile with much caution as it can easily become huge if you struggle with making decisions.  This pile should be reserved only for things that you do not have the authority to throw away (your spouse’s old work documents, for example).

Assess Your Organizing Needs. Once you have taken care of every other group of belongings, you should be left with only your “Keep” pile to put back in the closet.  Consider what kinds of tools might help you stay more organized in this space such as bins, racks, drawers, etc.  You can browse online before you even leave your house to have a better idea of what’s out there and how much it costs.   Stores like The Container Store, Target, Walmart, The Home Depot, and even Crate & Barrel have some great organizing tools.

Keep it Organized. Rather than going through the closet once every few years, make organization a habit.  This means only putting items in the closet that belong in there!  If it starts overflowing, it may be time to purge a few more unnecessary belongings.

Kelly Moore - Moore Efficiency Solutions

A Little Rant on Homework

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I hear it all the time:

“Trying to get my son/daughter to do his/her homework every night is DRIVING ME CRAZY!”

And I totally get it.  Though my kids are pretty young, the bit of work they do bring home can bring them (and me) to tears.

My question is why? WHY? Why do they need homework?  And why do we as parents need to tie ourselves up in knots trying to get it done?

As I was thinking about writing this post, I started adding up all the things we as parents and kids “need” to do to stay “healthy” according to the experts (like, um….me).  And in thinking about all the advice I have heard (and given) about raising healthy kids, I have put together a little bit of a schedule of what might be a typical day for a “healthy” kid.

3:30: Get out of school

3:35-3:50: Transport home from school.  This might the bus, a scooter, or a mini-van.

3:50-4:05: Snack time.  No Cheetos and Coke for this kid.  Sliced apples, peanut butter, and organic milk is a better bet.

4:05-4:10: Unload backpack. As so much paperwork and books come home each night, our healthy kid should use only a rolling backpack so as not to cause skeletal problems down the road.  And all these papers take time to sort through and organize  – with the help of a parent of course.

4:10-5:10: Physical Activity.  As many schools have either cut out or drastically decreased their physical education courses, kids now need to get their exercise during non-school hours.  Whether it’s an organized sport or riding bikes around the block, experts tell us that kids need 60 minutes of vigorous play everyday to grow up to a healthy weight.

5:10-5:30: Bathe.  With all that activity, our healthy kid needs to get clean!

5:30-6:15: Cook dinner.  Healthy living doesn’t end with exercise, it also means eating a healthy diet.  And experts tell us that one way to instill healthy eating habits in kids is by teaching them how to cook.  So forget about going through the McDonald’s drive-in or throwing some hot dogs in the microwave – our healthy kid needs to learn how to cook healthy, from-scratch (preferably organic) meals.  All this teaching might mean that dinner prep takes a little longer – but it’s worth it!

6:15-6:45: Eat together.  We all know that eating dinner as a family is one of the best ways to encourage communication and family cohesion – family dinner time is also associated with better adjusted kids and teens.  Definitely don’t want our healthy kid to skip this.

6:45-7:00: Be responsible.  We all want responsible kids, and responsible kids have chores.  Clearing the table, doing the dishes, feeding the dog.  Our healthy kid needs to spend at least a few minutes each day helping keep the family and the house running smoothly.

7:00-8:00: Hobby time.  One of the things I often encourage kids to do is be involved in something outside of school.  Whether it’s Boy Scouts, church youth group, community theater, Lego club, or 4-H.  We know that hobbies can be a great stress reliever.  I also believe that spending time with kids who AREN’T part of a kid’s regular peer group (school friends) is important.  Gone are the lines that separate the “popular kids” from the “nerds” when you mix children from lots of different schools – our healthy kid surely needs time for this.

8:00: Eek! Where did the time go?  It’s 8:00 and our healthy kid hasn’t had a moment to relax and enjoy unstructured time – something the experts also warn us not to forego.  And don’t forget that many American children (and adults) suffer from too-little sleep.  So if your elementary school aged child needs to wake at 7:00am, then she should probably be going to bed around 8:00pm.

So where does homework fit in, in the life of a healthy child?  My imaginary schedule just doesn’t leave room for it – and I think that is exactly the spot in which many families find themselves. With all the other things that we need to accomplish in the precious hours after school, is it really necessary, or productive, to spend more than a few minutes of it doing school work?  And as many of you probably noticed, I made some assumptions in my schedule, namely: our healthy kid has at least one stay-at-home parent, no siblings with their own crazy schedules, and not much time is spent driving from one activity to the next – further issues that complicate many families’ lives.

What am I missing? Where and how does homework fit into a healthy lifestyle?  And what does doing hours of homework each week accomplish?