Author: drstephaniesmith

Life Through the Eyes of a Psychologist

Tips for Talking with Teens

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I have teenagers on the brain this week.  I’ve seen a lot at work, talked to a few in my neighborhood, read a new book on cliques, and watched some singing on Glee.  When the authors of Talking Teenage sent me this blog on misconceptions teens have about their parents, that sealed the deal – I just had to write a post on teenagers.

I have to admit, I am a little bit afraid of teenagers.  They can be so dismissive.  Maybe it brings back insecurities of years past (or years present?); regardless, they have an uncanny way of making some of us adults feel simultaneously uncool and inadequate.  But when I read the article about the misconceptions teens have about their parents (and maybe other adults as well), it made me wonder if we unwittingly make the teens in our lives feel the exact same way?

What can we do to ensure that we all feel relevant, connected, and cool?

Use a cheat sheet. Use talking points written by others.  Try the blog post about teens, parents, and misconceptions.  Or try a list of conversation starters like this.  If those don’t go anywhere, try playing a game like Apples to Apples where words are part of the game.

Meet them where they are. Social media, X-box, Wii, Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight Saga, Glee, University of Texas Football – get into what they’re into.  Not only will it give you something to talk about with your teen, but you might enjoy it as well.  Are you a Twihard? A Belieber? You’ll never know until you give it a try.

Talk a lot; listen more. I’ve heard folks say that we should say one word for every 10 our kids say to us.  That might not be a reality in some families, but it is a goal to shoot for.  Start the conversation, then let your teen take over.

Don’t freak out. Once your teen starts talking, he/she may say things that surprise or upset you.  Resist the urge to tell them why what they are  saying is wrong.  Play it cool and let them say what they want.  If you must freak out, do it later with another adult.  If the situation warrants more conversation with your teen, do it later when you’ve calmed down.

Good luck and have fun!  Teens are a full of interesting stories, insights, and emotions.  Relax and enjoy the ride.

Stress, Self Esteem and Facebook

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I’ll be honest, I have never been a huge fan of Facebook.  It’s not that I am anti-social media – I love Twitter and read lots of blogs on a daily basis.  But I’ve never quite figured out how to use Facebook, maintain healthy levels of stress and keep up my self esteem at the same time.

Facebook-induced stress

It has taken me several years to realize the sneaky ways that Facebook can cause stress in my life if I give it a chance.  Am I logging on enough?  What am I going to miss if I don’t catch up on my “friends” today? Am I logging on too much?  Am I neglecting my duties (as a mom, wife, psychologist, friend) because I am spending too much time on Facebook?  Should I accept her friend request?  Un-friend him? Ahhh! Just writing about these things is increasing my blood pressure.

Facebook is a time-sucking machine that can take us away from our families and friends and replace them with long-lost high school crushes and distant relatives we’ve never met.  Do we really want to add to our already stress-filled lives in this way?

Facebook and self esteem

In just the last few days I have read about “friends” who:

  • still fit into their wedding dress from 10 years ago
  • had a great time at a party (that I was not invited to)
  • “Puked [their] guts out 10 times”
  • Just finished “another” triathlon
  • Gotten a “huge” raise
  • Named Girl Scout leader of the year

Now, these things are all wonderful (except maybe the puking one), but when I read them I don’t feel great.  Instead I feel lazy, or unpopular, or inadequate, or like a bad mom/wife/friend.  And here I thought connecting with all our pals was supposed to make us feel loved and energized about our social lives.  I know I’m not alone in feeling the opposite.

Perhaps it’s because the people I really care about don’t frequently post on Facebook?  Or perhaps it’s because when great, sad, funny things happen to the people I love they typically tell me in person – or at least via email – about the event?  Either way, reading about the lives of “friends” (read: not people I would consider a true friend) is typically not an experience that I would describe as pleasant or fulfilling. Instead it feels like snooping or eavesdropping on someone with a perfect life: Not fun.

So, instead of browsing around the profiles, pictures, and posts of our old flames and the neighbor down the street, maybe we can turn the computer off and interact with the real people in our lives.  I can feel my stress and self-esteem levels go back to normal just thinking about it.


 

Information Overload: Making the Most of Parenting Books

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Being a parent is a complicated job. The hours are long, the rules change constantly, and the end goal often seems out of reach. If you walk into a bookstore, the complexities of parenthood become even more evident.  Simply sifting through all the advice can be a daunting task.

Let me just be blunt: No parenting book as all the answers. Why? There are no hard and fast answers for all families, parents, or kids. However, lots of good information can be gained from parenting books if you keep the following in mind:

Four eyes are better than one. You will get more out of the book if you and your partner/spouse/co-parent read it together. Once you have both read the book, talk about it! Critique it, praise it, laugh about it – but do it together.

Skip the second half. Yes, really. Parenting books can become repetitive and dull. Generally all the information you need is in the first half of the book. So often I see parents who feel like they have to read an entire parenting book to really “get it.” Then of course they get distracted/run out of time/impatient and the whole thing becomes a waste. So, I’m giving you permission to read half the book – or simply skim the whole thing – you’ll get the message.

The kids in the books aren’t real. Just as the cute, smiling family on the toothpaste commercial are all actors, so are the families presented in the books. I myself have become discouraged when my children don’t respond to a parenting technique the way the kids in the book’s examples do.  Don’t let this de-rail you from your parenting efforts. The fact is, no child or family are like those presented in the books.  Think of them as little commercials from the author – entertaining to read about, but in the end nothing like real life.

Take what you can. Leave the rest. As I said, no book has all the answers, but almost all books have at least one or two helpful pieces of advice.  Resist the urge to forgo an entire book just because its author wrote a few weird things you don’t agree with.  Reading parenting books can be just like picking through a bag of candy: some of the pieces are inedible, some passable in a pinch, and a few simply sweet and just what you need.

With all of that said, here are a couple of books I frequently recommend:

 

This is a great book written by my pal Dr. David Palmiter. I even got to read an advance copy and write a review of the book!
This is a quick and dirty guide to dealing with 38 frustrating behaviors
Helping our kids create lifelong joy? What’s more important than that?

photo by: Brandon SL

Booty Pops

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A friend and psychologist colleague of mine, Dr. Millie Funderburk, was recently interviewed for a story on Booty Pops.  I have to admit, when she first told me about it I didn’t know what they were – shows you how out of it I am!  But as I read about it, I was fascinated by the trend, and even more intrigued by her thoughtful responses.

I encourage you to read the article on KUSA-TV Denver featuring Dr. Funderburk here.  But as a re-cap, she had this to say about Booty Pops:

“I think that it’s neat that we have different representations of bodies.” I agree.  It’s wonderful to see a wider range of body types celebrated (and in this case emulated).  Perhaps down the road, it will allow more women to be able to embrace their unique shapes and sizes.

“…while the girls may just be trying to look like the girl in the magazine, they could instead be asking for unwanted attention.” She wondered, “And are they aware of it – what they are attracting?” Such an important point.  Are young girls thinking through the consequences of showcasing their bodies (and their augmentations) in this way?  Whose eyes are they hoping to catch?

“This is what your body should look like, so if it doesn’t, buy our product and we’ll fix the flaw.” Wow.  How many times in a day are young girls and women bombarded with products, tips, and techniques aimed at this very thing?  Almost constantly.

So where does that leave us?

“…it is time for parents to engage in open conversations with their teens about body image, because the subliminal messages they are taking in now could follow them through life.”

“…parents should tell their children the path to real confidence starts on the inside.

“What we really try to encourage young women to do… is accept their body as it is, and focus on the function of their body, instead of the form.”

Couldn’t have said it any better myself – thanks Dr. Millie Funderburk!

 

Making the Most of Fear

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Let’s get one thing straight: I am the anti-daredevil.  I loathe adrenaline-inducing activities.

Signs like this scare me

I prefer slow cars, flat terrain, and sturdy ground.  Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I also am part of a family where speed, heights, and other scary things are thought of as the ultimate in cool.

Recently I was in the mountains and my family decided to go snow-tubing down an ENORMOUS mountain.  I was scared.  Super scared.  My heart was pounding and I started to sweat despite the single-digit temperatures.  Normally I would have stayed back and opted to be the official photographer of the event rather than actually participate.  But this time I decided that I wanted to give my fears a run for their money, if for no other reason that to teach my kids (and it turns out, myself) an important lesson.

Making the Most of Fear

1.  Say it out loud. Instead of suffering in silence, let the good folks around you know how scared you are.  Let them know your fears (what if this snowtube never stops or I go flying off the mountain?) and listen to their responses (you can put your feet down to stop yourself, you’re wearing a helmet, and the edge of the mountain is nowhere in sight).

2.  Have a set goal. When facing a scary situation, give yourself a goal or a limit so that you can experience success once it’s reached.  For example, my goal was to go down the mountain one time.   If my goal would have been too big (“I have to snowtube all day”) or not set at all, I might not have been as apt to go for it.

3.  Do what you have to do. I used a lot of anxiety management techniques to get through my fear.  I took deep breaths (think blowing out birthday candles), visualized myself safely and happily at the bottom of the mountain, and said to myself “I’l be fine, I’ll be fine, I’ll be fine.”  Some other ideas for getting through scary moments:

  • use the buddy system  – taking a friend along can help ease the fear
  • distraction can be good a good thing – take your favorite trashy magazines on the plane, cue up the funniest parts of your favorite movie when going over the bridge, play doodlejump just before your big talk – whatever you can do to (safely) distract you from the task at hand
  • Remember the good lessons you are teaching your kids when they see you conquering your fears

4.  Remember your success. I often see folks forget the successes they’ve had in the past.  No only is this just a bummer, but it also causes them to miss out on potentially confidence-boosting situations.  What can you do to remember your successes?  Take pictures, write it down, tell people about it – but whatever you do don’t let yourself forget – it will make the next time a whole lot easier!

This is me remembering the conquering of my fears of snowtubing, speed, and sharp drops in altitude.

 

 

A Parent’s Guide to Sleepover Success

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Cupcakes...the perfect sleepover food

Oh, the sleepover: yearned for by some, dreaded by many, right of passage for (almost) all.  When a friend emailed me this article from the New York Times a couple of weeks ago, the memories came flooding back.  Late night nacho-making, Ouija board games, sneaking out of basements – it all came back in a rush of Bonne Bell-scented emotion.

I thought the New York Times article was great in that it highlighted many of the serious issues parents need to be aware of when allowing their child to attend a sleepover (“or its cousin the slumber party” – I love that line).  Dr. Perri Klass (the author) wrote about safety concerns, mental health and medication considerations, and basic sleep issues that must be considered before sending your little dear off with only a toothbrush and a sleeping bag.

But as I got reminiscing about my sleepover days of yore (God help me if I ever have to sleep on someone’s floor again) I thought about some other issues that are important to consider as well.  Namely, how does a parent prepare to have a successful sleepover/slumber party at their house?

Here’s my Parent’s Guide to Sleepover Success (to read the version for kids, click here):

  • Keep the numbers small. Forget the “your guest list can equal the age you’re turning” – it’s just too many.  13 screaming 13 year olds will turn even the most patient parent into a screaming maniac.  If you haven’t hosted a sleepover before, start small (like 1-2 invitees) and go up from there.
  • Have plenty of activities. I’m not talking about making teenage boys play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, but have a few back-up activities.  Mani/Pedi’s, re-runs of memorable sports moments, cupcake decorating, build your own pizza, large-scale scavenger hunts – the sky’s the limit.  Besides, you know what they say about idle hands…
  • Keep the food under control. One of the best parts of sleepovers is the food.  It’s sweet, it’s salty, and it’s there all night.  All good things must come to an end, however, and it’s much better that it’s you saying enough is enough, rather than upset stomachs ruining the event.  So have fun with food, but pack it away at a reasonable hour.
  • Set clear expectations. Talk with your party boy (or girl) well before the event so that you both have clear expectations.  For example, how will you deal with partygoers who:

need to go home because of illness or homesickness

sneak out or do other dangerous things

get into fights/bullying situations

Don’t hesitate in having clear and firm expectations, rules, and guidelines – you are the boss after all.

  • Who’s manning the event? When I was growing up, my dad just happened to have a “business trip” whenever a sleepover came around.  This memory brings up an important point: Who’s going to be home for the party? Parents?  Siblings?  Grandparents?  Each person can add a new dynamic to the group, so it’s important to be thoughtful when determining who will be around.
  • The day after. Are there any among us who don’t remember the sleepover-hangover?  I’m not talking about anything related to alcohol here, but everything related to lack of sleep.  Consider instituting a rule in your home something like this:

Sleepover at night = mandatory nap the next day

This can include participants and chaperones – everyone will need it!

Dr. Klass concluded her article by noting that since the 1980’s, sleepovers have become more of a right than a privilege.  This may be true, but  as the parent you can still keep the party from becoming a free-for-all while doing your best to ensure that everyone has  fun!

Ready to plan the best sleepover ever? Make sure to have your kids read A Kids Guide to Sleepover Success before the invitations go out!

Learning New Things and Mental Health

Click on the picture to find out how to make this cute skirt - made for twirling and having fun!

Trying new things can be scary.

Whether it’s in a classroom, with a small group of friends, or even by ourselves, many of us cringe at the thought of trying something new and (eeek!) possibly failing.  But the thing is, learning a new skills can be great for our mental health.  Researchers tell us that one of the best things we can do to protect ourselves from certain types of dementia is flexing our mental muscles. This includes using our brain in new ways and continually challenging ourselves to learn new things.

But I believe the mental health benefits of learning new skills go beyond the neuropsychological benefits, and include aspects of psychological/emotional health as well.

  • Stress. A new hobby can be a great stress reliever.  Why? Because it helps us break out of our normal patterns of behavior.  And even better it gives our brains something to think about other than the same old same old worries (lack of money, annoying boss, unruly children).  My latest stress-busting hobby? Sewing!  Seriously, it has given me a new outlook on life.  And managing my sewing-machine phobia was super easy with sites like this.
  • Fun. I wrote a post earlier in the week about cheap and easy de-stressors.  One of the tips was to have fun.  Sounds simple enough, but in fact, many of us adults (and moms in particular) forget what fun is somewhere between managing chores, meals, and running kids around to soccer practice.  Learning a new skill can be a way to incorporate fun back into your life.  Skiing, cooking, race-walking – what’s going to get your heart pounding with joy again?
  • Social. Connecting with others is a fantastic way to reduce stress and improve your mental health.  Venting about a rough day, connecting over a shared experience, and being a support for others are all important.  What better way to beef up your social life than to pick up a new hobby and share it with other people?  Sites like Meet-up can be a great way to meet other people with your interests – from sewing to archery.

What new skill are you going to tackle?

Simple Strategies for Improving Sexual Health

Earlier this week I sponsored and participated in a conference for women.  It’s an event we have held in our little Colorado town for several years as a free service to the women in our community.  This year the focus was on sex.  As you can imagine, it was very well-attended, and it was a lot of fun!  Dr. Gloria Oberbeck, a physician whose office is just a block from mine, gave the keynote address.  She spoke to the crowd of women (the vast majority of whom were over 45) about sex.  Namely, why a healthy sex life is important in overall health, how to improve sex drive (libido), and how to improve the quality of the sex you’re having.

Dr. Gloria did an awesome job in her hour-long talk.  And I thought my readers might enjoy reading some of the highlights.

  • Get enough sleep. Dr. Gloria cited lack of sleep as one of the major culprits in a low libido.  She suggested taking a good look at the amount and quality of your sleep when evaluating your sexual health.
  • Manage your stress. Worries about work, family, and household duties can be a real mood killer.  Dr. Gloria explained that women’s sexual arousal can’t be optimized if we are worried and stressed.  Try some new stress management techniques and get the anxiety under control.  The cool thing is that sex can also be a good stress reliever, so once you start doing it regularly, you may notice your stress level decrease even further.
  • Connect with your partner. Whether it’s carving out time to have regular date nights, looking into each other’s eyes for 5 minutes/day (something she swears works miracles in relationships), or communicating your sexual pleasures – a solid connection with your mate does nothing but help your sex life.  And by the way, couples that have more sex report higher levels of satisfaction in their relationships all the way around.
  • Breathe. Dr. Gloria taught us a breathing technique in which we were to 1) take slow, deep breaths and visualize an image that helped us put aside the worries of the day (she suggested a flower). 2) Imagine a ball of energy just below the belly button that slowly moves to the pelvis. 3) Take this ball of energy and imagine it turning into flames. 4) Use deep breaths to breathe the flames up your spinal cord and out of your nose/mouth. 5) Breathe the flames in again and back down your spine to the energy center in the pelvis.  She suggested practicing this technique daily – it can even be used before and during sexual activity as a way to enhance the experience.
  • Give yourself a break. One of my favorite things that Dr. Gloria spoke about was giving ourselves a break.  She noted that women are often so critical of themselves (I’m so fat/skinny/saggy/wrinkled”) that they can’t let go and enjoy their sexual side of themselves.  She encouraged all women to cut themselves some slack, realize that sexuality is an important part of overall health, and get themselves into the bedroom and enjoy.  It was quite an event!

Stressing over Stress Management

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Ahhh...this looks like a stress management tip I can handle!

I case you missed my talk last night at the 3rd Annual Women’s Symposium here in Colorado, here’s some of the stuff I talked about:

Sometimes stress management stresses us out.  Do you know what I mean?  It goes something like this:

I should do yoga 3x/week

I should be meditating in the morning for 30 minutes before my family gets up

I should be communing with nature everyday

Ummm…right.  Those things just aren’t going to happen for me.  Perhaps they should, but they’re not.  And it certainly doesn’t help matters to feel stressed about not doing the “right” things for stress management.  So I’m offering an alternative.  A few cheap and easy de-stressors  – some of which you might already be doing.

  • Breathe. Take a few deep breaths a couple times a day.  Imagine you are blowing on a bubble wand or a dandelion to ensure the really cleansing, relaxing kinds of breath I’m talking about.
  • Learn something new. Try out a class, get a book at the library, or watch a video on YouTube – there are lots of ways to learn new skills.
  • Remember something old. Think back to activities that used to bring you joy and give them a try again.  Rollerskating, anyone?
  • Get crafty. Crafting is a time-honored way for women to connect and de-stress (think sewing circles and quilting bees).  Pick up some yarn, a needle, some beads, a paintbrush – something to get the creative juices flowing.
  • Have sex.  Research tells us that that having safe sex with another willing adult can be one of the best stress-relievers around!
  • Pick up the phone.  Calling a friend can be a wonderful way to gain a new perspective on life.
  • Move your body. Take a walk, stretch a little bit, dance to the radio – do something to move your body in a new way.
  • Laugh.  Laughter really can be the best medicine.  And finding funny things has never been easier with the internet!
  • Do something fun.  This may seem like a no-brainer, but how often do we really do things just for the fun of it?

Now, get out there and do some de-stressing.