Author: drstephaniesmith

Life Through the Eyes of a Psychologist

National Screen Free Week!

Today marks the start of one of my favorite weeks of the year – Screen Free Week.  This is a week when families are encouraged to get off the couch, turn off the TV, computer, and video games and do something different.  Engage with each other, get active outside, try something new!  Last year I pledged to remain screen free for the week and I (almost) made it.  Read about my experiences here.

This year I am going to try it again – will you make the pledge with me?

Some thoughts via National Wildlife Federation’s Be Out There program:

“The tolls of an indoor childhood include:

  1. Declining creativity, concentration, and social skills
  2. Doubling of the childhood obesity rate with an incremental $100 billion annual cost to our public health system
  3. Alarming increase in prescribed antidepressants for American children over the past 10 years

Outdoor play offers physical, emotional and health benefits:

  1. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends 60 minutes of daily unstructured free play to improve children’s physical and mental health
  2. National Association for the Education of Young Children cites that play is an active form of learning that unites the mind, body, and spirit
  3. Children who play outside are more physically active, more creative, less aggressive, and show better concentration”

Want more information about the Be Out There program, or want to sign a pledge? Check them out here:And check back here throughout the week for ideas of new, fun things to do with your family while you spend the week screen free!

Photo by: Sha3teely

 

Tax Weekend – Are You Stressed?

3 more days and counting until Tax Day!  How is your stress level?  I contributed to an article written on LiveScience that came out today on tax day stress relief.  I thought I would write a bit more about my comments here.

I think there are a couple of main points about managing Tax Day Stress (and most kinds of stress for that matter):

Keep on Keeping on. Most of us already have at least one good coping skill on board already: walking, deep breathing, weekly book club, watching Days of Our Lives.  Whatever it is – keep doing it this weekend.  Resist the urge to try another, unhealthy way to cope (drinking too much, pick up cigarette smoking, go on a shopping spree).

Ask for help. Trouble figuring out the tax forms?  Reading your W-2?  Turning on Turbo Tax?  Don’t hesitate to ask for help.  Whether it’s your mom or your accountant, there’s no shame in getting assistance – this is tough stuff.

Want more ideas? Read the American Psychological Association’s tip sheet on managing Tax Day stress.

Photo by: RudeCactus

 

 

 

A Good Friendship

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I spend a significant amount of time thinking about friendship and what makes it work. Perhaps it’s because I have had my heart broken by friends in the past – though I have been lucky enough to have some successful friendships too. Either way, friendships between girls/women can be tricky business. Some observations:

  • It’s OK to have short-term friendships. While we may think the “ideal” friendship is one that lasts for many years, there is something to be said for friendships that last for a shorter period of time. I’ve made friends with classmates, co-workers, neighbors who were in my life for only months or a couple of years at a time. Once that period of my life was over, so was the friendship. I have come to realize that that’s OK. It doesn’t mean the friendship was meaningless – it just served its purpose then faded.
  • Sex and the City is not real life. While most of us would love to have Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha as our friends – forever gossiping, traveling, and bonding together, the fact is, that rarely happens. More typically women have just one or two close friends (if they’re lucky) and often their close friends are not friends with each other. Expecting your life to be like Carrie Bradshaw’s just isn’t realistic for most of us (and really, would we want her life anyway?).
  • The “best friend” designation can be hurtful. If your tween and teen years were anything like mine, you spent a good deal of time negotiating who your BFF was. The thing is, I often see/hear adult women going through the same thing. And then once that BFF is found, a declaration is made to the world (or on Facebook). This might make the two in the friendship feel good, but it often hurts others. Is it necessary to claim one friend superior to all the others? What purpose does it really serve?
  • Someone who wants the best for you. One of my friends once told me that she had purged all of her friendships, and saved only those she could say this about:

“I only keep friends who I truly want to see happy and thriving, and who only want the best for me. I’m done with women who secretly want me to fail, mess up, or who harbor jealousies towards me. I’m through with “friends” who listen to my problems then blab.  The only women I want in my life are those who can be truly happy for me when I succeed and vice versa. ”

My friend’s pronouncement changed the way I think about friendships.  Watching her keep only the supportive, nurturing relationships in her life was liberating for her (and me!).

  • Breaking up is hard to do. When friendships between women or girls ends it hurts.  A lot.  We may not see this type of heartbreak in movies like we see the breakup of romances, but they still happen.  And they take time to get over.  It’s OK to feel pain, regret, guilt, etc over the breakup of a friendship.
  • Friendships take a long time to cultivate. Someone once told me it takes 3-5 years to make a good friend, or group of friends.  I didn’t believe it at the time, but I sure do now.  There might be exceptions to the rule, but in general it takes a lot longer to grow a friendship than we might think.  So go easy on yourself if you are new to a community or job and don’t have a good friend yet – be patient (and a good friend yourself) and you’ll get there.
  • It should feel good. It’s taken me many years to realize something relatively simple: friendship should feel good.  Sure there will be times when your heart aches for a friend who’s hurting, but for the most part, friends should make you feel good (and you should make them feel good, too).  Uplifted, energized, heard, accepted – these are some of the emotions you might feel after a lunch date with a friend.  If the feelings are different (jealous, frustrated, angry, low self esteem, etc) it might be time to re-think the friendship.

What have you learned about friendship over the years?  What did I miss?

photo via VitaminSea

 

Who Are You?

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I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and she asked me: “Who are you?”  I was about to answer when she added a rule:

“When you answer,” she said “you can’t mention any of the roles you have.  For example, you can’t say mom, psychologist, friend, daughter.  It has to be who you are not what you do and/or who you do it for.”

Yikes.  That’s a tough one.  I have to admit, it has been a long time since I have thought of myself separate from the roles I play.  I used to think about it all the time.  Some examples:

  • When I was 8 I was someone who loved swimming and Kirk Cameron
  • When I was 15 I was someone who loved hippie clothes, crystal necklaces, and doing things on my own (read: not with my parents)
  • When I was 20 I was was someone who had a love of fitness activities and traveling
  • When I was 25 I was someone who had a passion for working with people, was committed to my studies, and was a huge University of Denver ice hockey fan

So who are we now? Now that we are not the pie-in-the-sky, anything-is-possible children we once were?  Think about it.  What makes you happy?  What makes your heart race with excitement?  What do you look forward to?  Being able to answer these questions will help you answer the question: “Who are you?” Good luck!

…and with some thought, I’m thinking I am now someone who loves watching videos new:

and old:

Psychology and Space: Is Your House Affecting Your Mental Health?

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I love houses. I love talking about them, thinking about them, working on them, decorating them…they provide endless amounts of entertainment and challenge.  Usually I indulge my loves of houses in my free time.  But recently I have found myself doing more talking and thinking about houses and space in my work hours as well.  Specifically, can our homes affect our mental health?  Yes.  There are many, many ways your home can affect your mental health.  Think of these situations:

People who are home-less

People who live in un-safe areas

People who live in un-clean, cluttered, and/or un-sanitary homes (think: Hoarders)

People who live in homes they cannot afford

Today I am going to talk about another group of people whose mental health is being affected by their homes: People whose homes are too darn big.  How can this be a problem?  Aren’t all of us pining to get into a house with more square footage, more rooms, more SPACE!?!?  Maybe, but I am beginning to see that too much space can be a problem as well.

Think of a how a “typical” suburban family might spend their evening: Dad in the basement watching basketball, teenager in his/her room playing video games, tween in the living room watching the Disney Channel, and mom in her bedroom reading stories on-line about Robert Pattinson.  Am I the only one who sees a problem here?

I’m afraid our homes have gotten so big (and so wired) that we often miss out on time that could be spent as a family.  Remember the old days when there was only one TV in the house and we had to take turns choosing what we wanted to watch?  Remember when we actually watched shows as a family (think: Cosby Show) and then talked about the funny parts all week?  While having our own spaces is neat and cool, I wonder if it is the best thing for our mental health, and for the health of our families?  Will we one day wake up and realize we barely know the other people living under our roof?  I hope not.

So before you buy a bigger home, or spread out to all corners of your existing house, think about what you are doing.  Share a TV, a couch, a bowl of popcorn.  Play Monopoly, or spend time just talking.  Enjoy your large spaces, but remember to spend time in close quarters with the ones you love, too.

photo by: Simplyeleganthomedesigns.com

 

Ex-Boyfriends & Facebook

Oh, Facebook.  Who knew I had so much to say about you?  Maybe it’s because you are involved in a large percentage of the conversations I have (inside and outside of my office).  Maybe it’s because I have some deep-seated psychological issues with you stemming from childhood?  I’m not sure.  Regardless, here goes another post…

Perhaps there are a few folks out there who have re-connected with old lovers, boyfriends, and crushes on Facebook and it has turned out great.  But more often, it doesn’t.  What do we really hope to accomplish when we “Friend Request” our old prom date?  Do we want to re-kindle the flame?  Re-hash old times?  Peer into their current life?  Are any of these worth the risk?

And believe me, the risks are many.  Chatting on-line with an old lover can be a slippery slope to other types of, huh-hum, communications.  Whether or not we are currently in a relationship, it is important to be aware of the temptations these on-line interludes pose.  Posting on each others walls, to IM’ing each other during work, to meeting for coffee, to meeting for other “things” can happen more quickly than you might imagine.  The lure of romance and the memory of youth can be difficult things to turn down, particularly if your current relationship has grown predictable and less than steamy.

And what about our emotional health?  How will re-living the glory days serve us?  For some it can be fun and nostalgic.  For others it can be a sad reminder that life didn’t turn out the way we expected.  Even if we are content in our current situations, there is nothing like seeing an old boyfriend on Facebook who lives in a mansion, travels the world, and has a supermodel for a wife to make us feel as if we don’t measure up.  Do any of us really need that?  I sure don’t.

photo by: jfiddler

 

 

Are You a Loser on Purpose? Playing Games with Kids

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I don’t like playing board games.  Call me a party-pooper, but it is one of my least favorite things to do with kids.  While I love throwing a ball, riding bikes, or going swimming – board games just aren’t my thing.  So when my arm is twisted into playing Candyland or Old Maid, I have a few rules.  I have these rules not only to make the game tolerable for me, but also to help the kids learn to be good playmates.  My rules are as follows:

Cheating is never tolerated. I don’t care how young the kid, I never tolerate cheating. In fact, I state the rule several times before the game even begins.

“You know, Sally, I don’t play games with people who cheat. You’re going to follow all the rules, right?”

“Sally, I’m excited to play Candyland with you. We’re both going to follow the rules, right?”

“Sally, I just want to make it clear that I don’t play with cheaters, so if you cheat, I will have to stop the game.”

It may sound like overkill, but getting excited to play Candyland is tough enough without the prospect of being cheated.  I’ve heard some folks say, “but she’s only 3, how can you expect her to follow the rules?”  To that I say: If you allow them to cheat now, when and how will you teach them not to?  Is cheating at 3 any better than cheating at 13 or 30? No.  If they’re too young to understand the rules, pick another game.

Losing on purpose. This is a tough one.  Should you as a parent (or teacher, babysitter, or therapist) “throw” a game of Chutes and Ladders?  Basketball?  Golf?  Losing on purpose is a slippery slope (or Chute as the case may be).  Here’s my rule:  If the game is one of chance (Candyland, Chutes and Ladders, Old Maid, etc) then I wouldn’t recommend throwing the game.  Chances are that you will lose 50% of the time anyway (especially if you ensure all the rules are followed by both parties).  If the game is one of skill (Tic Tac Toe, basketball, tennis, chess) losing on purpose is worth considering.  For example, you might let a 4 or 5 year old win a tennis game from time to time as a way to encourage them to keep playing, and also to give them a taste of what it is like to win.  You might not want to let your 15 year old win though, as you will likely be evenly matched by then AND they will be able to tell if you aren’t trying your hardest.  Either way, be careful of making a habit of letting your kids win – it’s a tough one to break, and it’s nothing like real life.

Good sportsmanship is a must. I’m big on good sportsmanship.  Shaking hands after a game, a “Great Game!” shouted across the court, a high -five to an opponent.  Public displays of good sportsmanship are often enough to make me tear up.  Playing games with our kids is a great way to teach sportsmanship in action.  Just as I go over the no-cheating rule before the game commences, I also talk about the fact that he may win, but that I may win too.  I might say things like:

“You know, you might win this game, and I might win.  How do you think you will feel if you win?  If I win?”

“Do you think it’s OK to get angry if I win? Should I get angry if you win?”

“Let’s both agree to be good sports no matter who wins, OK?”

Is he doesn’t know what good sportsmanship, tell him.  When he demonstrates it, I praise him for it “Jeremy, I thought it was so cool how you handled losing the game – nice job.”  And I’m sure to catch them being good sports when they are with their peers too.  “Jeremy, I know you were disappointed that your team didn’t win the game, but I loved how you were the first one out there shaking hands.”  And don’t forget, kids notice what kind of sports we are too.  We can teach them a lot about losing gracefully by doing it ourselves.

 

Children & Clothing Battles

“MOM!!! I have nothing to wear!”

“MOM!!! I’m only going to wear pink, twirly dresses from now on!”

“MOM!!! The only pants I like are sweatpants with elastic waists!”

“MOM!!! I know it’s snowing, but I have to wear shorts today!”

Have you every heard any of these – or similar – statements?  Ever have battles over clothing in your house?  Does each morning bring fights between you and your child about what they can (and cannot) wear to school?  Clothes are a big deal in my house.  With two young girls particular about what they wear, I frequently hear comments like the above.   So what’s a parent to do when their child begins asserting their own style and no longer wears the cute outfits you bought without complaint?

Set some ground rules. I pretty much have one in my house: I don’t care what you wear as long as it’s clean.  You may have some others: no skirts above a certain length, no low-cut tops, no underwear showing…you’ll have to pick a rule or two that suits your family.  Keep the list short though, the longer it is, the tougher it will be to enforce.

Is the fight really worth it? Often times it isn’t.  Does it really do anyone harm if your preschooler wears her princess dress to school?  Your 3rd grader only wears Broncos gear? Your high-schooler wears shorts all year ’round (in Michigan).  Probably not.  Identify times when you insist on “appropriate attire” i.e. church, visiting Grandma, family pictures, airplane rides (that was my mom’s rule – still don’t know why).  If it isn’t one of those special times – let it go.

Give them the responsibility. Older kids want certain clothes? Tell them to save up their money and buy them on their own.  Are they frustrated when their favorite top is dirty? Let them do their own laundry.  Are they irritated with the way their clothes look or fit?  Teach them how to iron and make simple alterations.

Get creative. If your child is really passionate about their attire – harness that creativity!  Embrace their enthusiasm and engage your budding fashionista.  Sewing classes, drawing lessons, books on fashion design – try checking out these resources instead of spending your energy fighting your kid.  Who knows, you might have the next Vera Wang on your hands!  As someone who spent part of high school wearing nothing but flower-child dresses, Birkenstocks, and crystal necklaces, I can appreciate that clothing preferences can be an ever-changing expression of a child’s personality.  Do we really want to squash it?

My solution to preschooler’s must-have item of the moment (simple black dress): design it & make it ourselves!

Top photo by: rlcasey

 

Budgeting for Your Marriage

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What’s in your family’s budget?

  • mortgage/rent
  • groceries
  • cell phone/internet
  • car payment

The important stuff, right?

As I was going through my own budget the other day I realized I was missing an important category.  One that is arguably more important than any of the others: a marriage maintenance budget.

We all know that keeping a marriage/partnership alive and healthy is tough work.  Many of us would also admit that we don’t prioritize our relationships in the way we should.  So I am proposing a solution: make marriage maintenance a line item in your budget. If we set aside money at the beginning of the each year or each month the effect would be two-fold.  One, it would prompt us to take actually spend quality time with our significant other (and not just say we know we should).  Two, it would keep the health of our marriage a top priority in our lives (at least as important as paying the mortgage/rent on time).

What could you do with the money in your marriage maintenance budget?

  • Go to a movie
  • Hire a babysitter
  • Buy tickets to a baseball game
  • Enroll in tennis lessons (together, of course)
  • Buy a steak for a romantic Tuesday night dinner after the kids are in bed

The possibilities are endless  – but will only happen if we plan ahead and make our most important relationships a priority when deciding how to spend our time and money.  Lawyers will assure you, spending a little extra maintaining your marriage each month is a whole lot cheaper than a divorce!