Author: drstephaniesmith

Life Through the Eyes of a Psychologist

Mom Admits to “Never Liking” Her Daughter

Did you see the Today Show’s story this morning on the woman who admitted not liking her child?  She wasn’t talking about not liking her for one particularly rough afternoon or weekend full of naughtiness – but years of dislike.  This mom’s story also appeared in a recent Redbook Magazine article.  I encourage you to read/watch the story – it’s fascinating.  And, perhaps surprisingly, not all that uncommon.

I have known several moms (and a few dads) over the years who have simply not liked their children.  As the experts on the Today Show point out, this can be caused by a number of factors:

  • Disappointment that our child is not more like us, or more like what they thought they would be
  • Resentment/frustration over the immense pressures and responsibilities of parenthood
  • The child or parent may have a mental or physical disorder which makes it difficult to relate, bond, or connect with others

I have also seen what I term simply a bad “fit.”  Sometimes parents and children are so different that they struggle to get along.  Often this is a long, on-going process that takes place over the course of many years.  Sometimes it never resolves and the parents and child drift apart, or possibly even lose touch as the child becomes an adult.  Sometimes I see parents work to find some way to make the relationship meaningful, or find some piece of common ground – even if it is very small.

Regardless of the reason, if a mom or dad find themselves disliking their child for any extended period of time (say more than a couple weeks) it is likely time to get some help.  Talking to other, supportive parents, consulting your pediatrician, or contacting a psychologist are all good bets.  Parenting is a tough road for everyone at times, and there is no need to go it alone.

Photo by: Noise64

 

Summer Lovin’

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Seems like everywhere I turn these days I am seeing stories about how much parents dread summer.  Stories like this one on Today.com are talking about how parents are dreading comments like: “I’m soooooo bored” and “My life’s soooooo lame.”  These stories make me sad because I love summer.  It makes me sad that mine is not a sentiment felt by all.  Admittedly, the change to a summertime pace can take some getting used to – I usually count on at least a week of adjustment time. Here are some tips for making the adjustment time as short and painless as possible:

  • It’s not a free for all. We all do best with some structure in our lives and kids are certainly no exception.  I’m all for free time and the creativity it breeds, but some structure is essential.  For example, maintain a reasonable bedtime and/or insist on “quiet time” for 30-60 minutes after lunch for family members of all ages.  Spend 30 minutes in the morning practicing math, reading a book, or writing in a journal with your kids.  Take a popsicle break everyday at 4.
  • Challenge your comfort zone. Many kids are great at challenging themselves physically.  They try out bike ramps, skateboard jumps, and high diving boards.  Take a cue from the kids and challenge your limits while you’re out and about with your kids.  Let them talk you into going down the big water slide, playing tennis together, or going white water rafting.  My bet is these will be some of the best memories of the season.
  • Put down the phone/ipad/laptop. You’ve seen them: parents so absorbed in their technology of choice that they ignore their kids.  I admit that I have been guilty of doing this myself, so I know that many of us can use the reminder to turn off the technology and tune into our kids.  Believe me, your kids will notice and appreciate your extra minutes of time and attention.

Have a great summer!

Addicted to Facebook?

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I hear people say this a lot: “I am soooo addicted to Facebook!”  I think they typically mean to say that they like Facebook and spend a lot of time on it.  But as one of my readers recently asked, is it possible to be really and truly addicted to Facebook?   As in, bad things start happening in life because of a user’s Facebook time?  This is a great question and one I have been thinking a lot about since my reader asked.  So, first things first:  What does “addiction” really mean?  According to the DSM-IV, ONE of the following things need to be present in order for one to qualify for a diagnosis of substance abuse (and let’s just assume for a moment that Facebook can be considered a substance):

  1. Recurrent use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home (e.g., repeated absences or poor work performance related to substance use; substance related absences, suspensions, or expulsions from school; neglect of children or household). This one is definitely possible when talking about Facebook.  Again, this isn’t going to apply to the vast majority of Facebook users, even the die-hards.  But for those who find themselves constantly checking their friends’ statuses, playing games, searching for new friends – to the detriment of their other duties in life – they may indeed meet this criteria.
  2. Recurrent substance use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (e.g., driving an automobile or operating a machine when impaired by substance use). At first I thought this point wouldn’t apply to Facebook use, but then I thought of Facebook-ing while driving.  In very extreme cases, it would be possible for folks to have gotten into legal trouble because of Facebook-ing while driving and yet continuing to engage in the behavior.
  3. Recurrent substance related legal problems (e.g., arrests for substance related disorderly conduct). I don’t know about this one.  Can one get into legal trouble on Facebook?
  4. Continued substance use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of the substance (e.g., arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication, physical fights). This is one I have actually seen in real life.  Husbands complaining that they never see their wives anymore because they spend so much time on Facebook.  Wives complaining that their husbands won’t stop playing Facebook games long enough to engage with their families.   Perhaps these things can be warning signs of troubled Facebook use, and the possibility of more serious problems down the road.

So, what’s the conclusion; can we become addicted to Facebook?  I think the answer is yes.  While Facebook is not a mood or mind-altering substance (like alcohol or drugs), its overuse can cause “clinically significant impairment or distress.”  Concerned about your own Facebook habit?  Try curtailing your use – or totally abstaining – for the next week or two.  Set specific “Facebook time” in which you can enjoy checking up on your friends, but declare Facebook off limits during other times of the day.

 

 

 

Getting Your Kids to (Really) Talk to You

I am in the midst of a new-found Oprah obsession.  Sure I’ve watched her shows in years past, but the last couple of months I have been enthralled.  Yesterday (May 19th) was no exception.  In addition to other guests, she interviewed a brother and sister whose mother had left their family.  Working with them was psychotherapist, M. Gary Neuman.  I have to admit that sometimes when I see therapists on television I hear “blah, blah, blah” (is this what people hear during my media interviews? Hmmm…).  Anyway, Mr. Neuman was great!  In particular, he had one piece of advice that was particularly poignant.  That is (and I’m paraphrasing):

If you really want your kids to talk to you, you have to do more than say ‘Let me know if you want to talk’ or ‘You can come to me if you have any problems.’

He is so right!  So many of us think we are opening the door to our kids’ conversations by making these statements, but in fact it takes much more to actually get them to open up.  Mr. Neuman suggested we actually bring up the topics we want our kids to talk about.  Here are some examples:

  • “Johnny I saw on the news that a lot of kids drink alcohol at after prom parties.  What are your plans after prom?”
  • “Sophie, I don’t know if you and Tucker are sexually intimate, but I thought we could talk about birth control options for girls your age.”
  • “Henry, I remember when I was about to graduate from high school I felt so nervous about college and the changes it would bring.  I wonder if you’ve felt nervous about next year at all?”
  • “Ellie, I was watching American Idol last night and one of the contestants talked about her parents divorce and how it still makes her sad.  I was wondering how our family’s divorce affects you?”

Mr. Neuman went on to note that we, as parents, need to bring these topics up to our kids time and time again.  By doing so we create a safe, accepting environment for them to talk about concerns – big and small.  Brilliant, Mr. Neuman!  Thanks for the reminder that we need to be active participants in communicating with our kids.

Photo by: George Burns/Harpo Studios

Mental Health’s Little Known Secrets

Mental Health Blog Party
In honor of Mental Health Month and the American Psychological Association’s Blog Party, I thought I would share some little-known areas of life affected by mental health.  These are also areas and topics in which psychologists often help their clients.  Perhaps you, or someone you know might benefit from seeking the services of a psychologist for one of the following:

  • Bullying.  Bullying happens for lots of reasons: anger, sadness, or feeling out of place.  Mental health concerns are not always the reasons a child (or adult) bullies, but they certainly can be.  And mental health can be negatively affected when one is bullied.  Psychologists can help kids, families, school, and communities prevent and cope with bullying.
  • Managing chronic disease. Managing chronic diseases like diabetes, and coping with chronic pain is tough no matter who you are.  If you are suffering from depression, anxiety, or another mental illness, it can make the process even more difficult.  Psychologists can help these folks learn to manage their mood and anxiety, as well as adjust to their medical condition.
  • Financial stability. Sometimes overspending is just overspending.  Sometimes, however, it can be the result of a larger issue with setting limits, delaying gratification, and even overall unhappiness with life.  If you’ve tried sticking to a budget and it just isn’t working, a psychologist may be able to help you understand why adopting new financial behaviors is so difficult – and then assist you in making changes that work.
  • Improving your tennis game. Concentration, focus, physical performance, motivation – anxiety can wreak havoc on our performance.  Thanks to the publicity given to sports psychologists by athletes like Ron Artest, more and more people are understanding the positive impact psychologists can have on performance (whether it be athletic, musical, etc).
  • Coping with divorce. We all know divorce is hard, even in the best circumstances.  But did you know that psychologists (together with other professionals) can help couples divorce with dignity through a process called collaborative divorce?  Something to look into.

 

CREATE Mental Health Re-Cap

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From May 2 – May 13, 2011 I celebrated CREATE Mental Health Week (it actually turned into almost 2 weeks). During these weeks I invited guest bloggers to post on Dr. Stephanie. My guests posted on all sorts of creative topics, including: cake decorating, card making, sewing, photography, gardening, and jewelry making. The authors each posted a tutorial, as well as a brief description about how creativity helps them maintain mental health. I was thrilled at the breadth and depth of the posts – and appreciate each of my guests. Take a look at the posts:

A Calendar for Cognitive Orientation by Melony Bishop of Stamping with Melony

A Little Girl’s Bracelet by Tamara Miles of Beaded Essence

“Cutting the Cheese” in Photography by Jenni Lillie of Awaken Photography

A Paper Purse by Kristen Bryant of Stamping with Kristen

A Summer Tote Bag by Sarah Markos of blueSusan

Edible Sugar Flowers by Rachael Teufel of Intricate Icings

Button Clips for Big Girls’ Hair by Laurel MacDougal of Ducks in a Row

Healthy Garden, Healthy Food, Healthy People by Dr. Kaycie Rosen of Golden Naturopathic Clinic

A Greeting Card by Jessica Taylor of Ink it Up!

CREATE Mental Health Week – Making a Calendar for Orientation

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This is a guest post in the series CREATE Mental Health. All week we will be exploring how different people use creativity to create and maintain mental health. Today’s post is by Melony Bishop. Melony writes the blog, Stamping with Melony.  I love this idea – it blends creativity and function beautifully!  Welcome, Melony!

When my friend Faith recently approached me about creating a special stamping project, I couldn’t help but realize the additional cognitive benefits that were involved in this sweet hand-made gift.  Faith wanted to make a daily calendar for her aging father-in-law  to help him stay oriented to the date each day….  What a simple but powerful tool for this man and his caregivers!  A daily calendar hand-made by his beloved daughter-in-law!  What a fantastic way to “CREATE MENTAL HEALTH” in this man’s life!  (Maybe it’s the Occupational Therapist in me that couldn’t resist this purposeful creative calendar coupled with a cognitve component.)

After many hours, here is the fruit of this “labor of love” for Faith’s father-in-law!  🙂

Notice the details involved!  We designed and hand-made a central month page for each of the 12 months with a seasonal theme.  We then designed coordinating mattes for the days of the week and the date of the month for either side of the month.

Faith used the GoGo Boots Die Cut letters with the Big Shot to cut and adhere the names of each of the days of the week that can be rotated daily throughout the year.
She used the Simple Numbers Die Cuts to die cut each of the dates of the month to also rotate through each of the days of the months.  Both the days and dates were cut from Early Espresso Cardstock and adhered to 4×4 Whisper White squares using 2-way glue.

We hand-made little embellishments for all of the various holidays and special days throughout the year and adhered magnets to the backsides that will magnet onto the metal clips on the clipboard to designate those special days of the year.  :)  We stamped multiple different years as well for the center clip.

We used clear box cases to organize and keep all of the pages safe and handy for his caregiver to swap each day of the year.

Check out the rest of the months of the year that we created……..

CREATE Mental Health Week – Photography

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This is a guest post in the series CREATE Mental Health. All week we will be exploring how different people use creativity to create and maintain mental health. Today’s post is by Jenni Lillie. Jenni is the owner of Awaken Photography, which specializes in wedding and family photography.  Welcome, Jenni!


Cut the “CHEESE!”

Photographing kids can be very fun, unpredictable and stressful. When I photograph a family, I can tell right away how their family takes pictures. A lot of times as soon as I point the camera at them they will look at me with a cheesy, fake grin. Sometimes the kids will even yell “cheese,” a prompting born out of repetitive habits and norms.

But there’s a different option out there. If you are tired of the “cheese” smile my suggestion is to “cut the cheese.” Just don’t say it anymore. If you want more natural-looking photos of your kids, do the opposite–don’t demand they look at the camera at all. Follow them around, observe, and snap away. Photograph the details of their day or their lives. Do they have a special blanket, toy or sport? Let them play and get photos of them being themselves. Those will be the memories and moments you cherish.

Finally, it will be more enjoyable and fun for everyone involved to not force the photo to happen a certain way. Removing our expectations frees us to just capture them naturally. There’s always a place for posed photos, so I wouldn’t discard them completely. And when that time comes, get your kids laughing and snap the genuine smiles they have and not the toothy “cheese” grin you may be used to.


CREATE Mental Health Week – A Little Girl’s Bracelet

This is a guest post in the series CREATE Mental Health. All week we will be exploring how different people use creativity to create and maintain mental health. Today’s post is by Tamara Miles. Tamara is the owner of Beaded Essence, an on-line boutique specializing in unique, handmade jewelry and more.  Welcome, Tamara!

I love to make jewelry because it is a good way to be creative without taking a ton of time, and you get great results.  In 15 minutes, I am able to make an adorable little girl’s bracelet that can be worn for a Baptism, 1st Communion, Easter, or really any occasion.  It is also nice just to be able to make something for your little girl that you can feel proud of, knowing that you took the time to make it, and didn’t have to spend the time trying to find one at a store.

These bracelets can be made with sterling silver or 14K gold filled beads.  You can also use different colors of pearls and crystals if you like; however, for religious occasions, the white pearls and clear crystals seem to look the best.

Here is what you need (cost around $10):

(The number of beads may change depending on the size you want to make, keeping in mind that the extender chain will allow for a lot of leeway in sizing.)

  • 7 inches of Wire-I like to use Beadalon: 49 strand-bright
  • 2 Crimp tubes:  2mm in sterling silver or 14K gold filled
  • 2 Crimp covers:  3mm in sterling silver or 14K gold filled
  • 1 Lobster clasp:  9mm or so in size, either in sterling silver or 14K gold filled
  • 1 Extender chain:  2 inches in sterling silver or 14K gold filled
  • 10 Swarovski crystal pearls:  white or color
  • 4 Swarovski crystals:  clear in color
  • 15 Metal balls:  4 mm in size-sterling silver or 14K gold filled
  • 8 Daisy spacers:  4mm in size-bright sterling silver or 14K gold filled
  • 1  charm:  small in size in either sterling silver or 14K gold filled

Here are the tools you will need:

  • Jewelry Crimper-for 2mm crimps (approximately $10 depending on quality, etc…)
  • Jewelry Wire Cutter-(also around $10 depending on quality, etc…)
  • Spring-to hold beads on the wire-(very inexpensive)
  • Jewelry glue-(approximately $4.50 per tube)
  • Bead tray-if you have one:  or you can use felt on a plate

Instructions:

  1. Put wire through crimp tube and then through hole on lobster clasp, and then back through crimp tube.
  2. Crimp the tube together by using the inner half-moon shaped crimp on the inner part of the crimp tube.  Then use the outer crimp of the tool to squeeze the tube together.  It should look like a flat tube with a crease on one side.
  3. Cut the extra wire, and put a touch of glue on the crimp.
  4. Place a crimp cover over the crimp.  Then use the outer crimp of the crimp tool, and carefully squeeze the crimp cover together so that it looks like a round bead.  (be very gentle when doing this as sterling silver is very easy to bend too much)
  5. Now start adding all of the beads in the pattern on the picture.  You can lengthen the bracelet by adding more sterling or gold-filled beads at each end.
  6. Take the extender chain, and put the wire from your bracelet through a crimp tube, then through the extender chain, and then back through the crimp tube (just like when doing the lobster clasp at the beginning).  Pull the wire tight so that the crimp tube is close to the extender chain and there is no wire to be seen at the end of the beads.  Crimp as in step 2 above.
  7. Follow steps 3 and 4 above to finish the crimp on the end of the bracelet.

    You are finished, and you have a beautiful bracelet that a little girl will love!

CREATE Mental Health – A Paper Purse

This is a guest post in the series CREATE Mental Health. All week we will be exploring how different people use creativity to create and maintain mental health. Today’s post is by Kristen Bryant. Kristen writes the blog Stamping with Kristen.  Welcome, Kristen!

I love to escape into my stamp room to create cards.  I enjoy the satisfaction of being able to quickly make something.  One of my favorite times of stamping is with mothers and daughters.  I just had 7 moms and their daughters over to create and this is one of the projects we made:

I started out by using a Scallop Circle die to make the top of the purse.

Next I took a 8 ½ X 5 ½ piece of card stock and folded it in half.  Once I had a nice fold, I trimmed off ½ inch diagonally from each side to create more of a purse look.

Next I took the Scallop Circle and folded that in half and using a small circle punch made a little hole for the ribbon to go through.

I used glue dots to fasten the ribbon inside the scallop circle.  This picture shows the card opened up:

I use a piece of Velcro to keep the purse closed.  Here is another version using different paper:

I love having stamping as a creative outlet for me.  It gives me a quick escape for the business and chaos of life and results in cards to encourage others.