Author: drstephaniesmith

Life Through the Eyes of a Psychologist

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and Psychological Health

Three days ago, President Obama certified a repeal of the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy that banned homosexuals from openly serving in the US military.  While I had heard how this repeal might benefit the US Armed Forces as a whole, I wondered how it might help the men and women in uniform in particular.  I discovered that the American Psychological Association (APA) has supporting lifting the ban for quite some time.  In fact, APA has quite a history in supporting equal rights for homosexuals.  Read more about APA’s stance on homosexuality here.

I also asked a friend and colleague of mine, Dr. Sarah Burgamy to help me understand more about the psychological impact of the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.  Dr. Burgamy is president-elect of the Colorado Psychological Association, and founder of PhoenixRise, a mental health clinic specializing in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender/gender variant identity issues.  Here’s what she had to say:

The repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) is critical to the psychological health and well-being of both military members and the general population.  The repeal of DADT will lift a significant burden for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual (GLB) service members.  GLB people have always served in our armed forces; DADT placed an undue burden on them to hide a large part of their basic human identity.  Sexual orientation includes not only a person’s intimate behavior; but also emotional attraction, attachment, the ability to partner with another in a loving relationship recognized by others, one’s sense of self, and the ability to be seen as a full human being.  A significant portion of our lives is spent in relationship with others.  For GLB service members, DADT required them to deny the existence of critical relationships, prohibited their ability to obtain support openly when relationship stress was encountered, and forced them to provide a dishonest portrayal of their character through omission or denial.  The repeal of DADT provides GLB soldiers with a sense of equality for their sacrifice, hard work, and dedication to the safety and prosperity of the United States.  

Non-military families and individuals benefit from the repeal of DADT because any repeal of policies or laws which discriminate against GLB people should be regarded as a step towards a more inclusive society.  GLB people are bombarded with messages which convey a sense of rejection simply for being sexual minorities.  DADT, the Defense of Marriage Act, and marriage and civil union prohibitions in the majority of U.S. states send a collective message that GLB Americans are inferior members of our nation.  The repeal of DADT comprises one step in a long process of seeking equality.  Psychologically speaking, the costs of discrimination to emotional health and well-being are great and should be dismantled and avoided.  This repeal is an important and necessary step in  the recognition of GLB people as full members of American society.

Baby Names and Overwhelmed Parents

Thinking of baby names is super fun.  Until you are pregnant.  Isabelle,  Megan, Jonathan, Benjamin – it’s all fun and games until it actually means something.  I got all sorts of (unsolicited) baby-naming advice when I was pregnant with baby #1.  I tried to disregard most of it (“You don’t want to name the baby ______, it’s so common/unusual.”).  But one piece of advice from a mom of three has stuck with me all these years later.

Once you find a couple of names you like, scream them each as loud as you can 20-30 times in a row.  If there’s one you like after the exercise is completed- you have your name!  After all, you will spend a lot of time screaming the name in the coming years.

At the time I thought the advice was a little crass.  I would NEVER scream at my precious bundle of joy.  7+ years later, I think my friend’s advice was very wise.  None of us like to raise our voices at our children, but it happens.  Even in my house.

I was reminded of my friend’s sage advice the other day while sitting poolside.  The mom next to me had 2 girls and spent a lot of time yelling at them.  Not unusual for the pool: “No running!,” “Don’t push your sister!,” “Don’t dive in the shallow end!”  What was unusual, however, was the names she was using to call her girls.  Instead of using 2 names for her 2 daughters (i.e., Emily and Ashley) she had at least 5 names (i.e., Emily, Ashley, Jennifer, Cleo, and Paige).  I was fascinated by this family.  What was going on?  Were there children around the corner I hadn’t seen?  After about 30 minutes, the mom must have noticed my interest.  She turned and explained,

I have to yell at Emily and Ashley so much that I have gotten sick of their names.  Now I call them by a bunch of different names to give my throat and ears a rest.

That cracked me up.  I am in the business of parenting strategies – and that was a new one to me.  I still haven’t decided if this mom’s technique was a sign of trouble, or a brilliant parenting strategy.  Either way, it brought a smile to my face as I realized – yet again – what a tough job parenting is for all of us.

Thank you, USA Women’s Soccer!

Photo via: Top U.S. Post.com

What a fun ride it has been watching the USA Women’s Soccer Team play in the World Cup the last couple of weeks.  I was so moved by the experience of watching these exceptional women, that I wanted to say a public “thank you” to the team.

Thank you, Team USA for giving us something positive to focus on in the midst of the bad news that surrounds us everyday.  Floods, droughts, murders – sometimes the news around us causes me to question the state of our country and world.  You gave us a reprieve from all that negativity and in return, something to smile about.

Thank you, Team USA for working together, as a team.  As we watch with frustration (and sometimes anger) at our representatives in Washington, D.C. and their inability to compromise, use teamwork, and just plain get along – it is refreshing to see a group of professionals do it with apparent ease.  And without complaint.

Thank you, Team USA for showing our sons and our daughters what it means to be strong, smart women with purpose.  In a time when our young girls feel pressure to be sexy, and believe that true happiness comes only after Prince Charming arrives – you are just the role models we need to show us a healthier way.

Thank you, Team USA for losing to Japan yesterday.  Sure it was disappointing, but in that loss you reminded all of us that things don’t have to turn out “perfectly” to be fun and worthwhile.  You also showed us how to lose gracefully and with class – a lesson many of us can stand to learn over and over again.

Kids, Chores, and Avoiding Resistance

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day about kids and chores.  How much is too much?  Too little?  Should they be given allowance?  Paid per chore?  Given no money at all?  It’s a complicated matrix, so I’m going to start simply: How to add a chore to your child’s routine.

First of all, it’s important to mention why chores are necessary.  Namely, they help kids learn how to do things around the house (duh), build a sense of responsibility, learn the work it takes to run a household, and help ease the parents’ workload so that they don’t feel like servants in their own home.  By 5 years old, kids are capable of doing many household tasks and are mature enough to grasp the concept of teamwork (as in, it takes the whole family working as a team to keep the household running).

So where to start when adding a new chore to your child’s routine?  Let’s take for example putting laundry away (see my post on Children & Clothing Battles for more on why it’s a good idea for kids to take responsibility for their clothes when they are young):

1. Give them some warning. No one likes to be surprised with new duties, and your kids are no exception.  A day or two before the new chore is to begin, let them know your expectations.  “Jamie, you’re old enough now to put your own clothes away after I fold them.  This week after I finish the laundry you will be responsible for putting your clean clothes away.”

2. Use on the job training. Putting laundry away can be a daunting task for a 5 year old.  When you are first adding the chore, consider doing it as a team, and/or help break up the job into small parts.  “Rosie, you put your socks in the sock drawer while I put your t-shirts on the shelf.”

3.  Play it cool. As in many other situations, your children will take their cues from you when it comes to their emotional reaction and their new chore.  If you are angry, too forceful, or overly authoritative in communicating the task to them, they will likely be angry and defensive in return.  If instead you are easy-going, matter of fact, and don’t dwell too long on the new job, you will likely find your kids more willing to comply.

4.  Don’t expect perfection. If you ask your child to put away their own clothes, they are not going to look perfect, so you might as well give up that expectation now.  What you can expect is for it to be in a timely manner, and with relative (according to age) accuracy.  With this in mind, resist the urge to correct their work or re-arrange their clothes (especially in front of them).

5.  Offer appreciation. Whether it’s in the form of a quarter, a dollar, or simply a thank you, don’t forget to let your child know how much you appreciate their pitching in.

6.  A family effort. If you encounter resistance, trying making the chore a family affair.  “Hunter, in 15 minutes we are all going to put our laundry away.  You, Jenny, Dad, and me are all going to work at the same time until we are finished.”

Good luck adding chores in your family!  Stayed tuned for my next post on negotiating an allowance!

Photo by: Don Nunn

 

How Daycare Can Help Children with Depressed Moms

In my recent post about moms criticizing other moms, I wrote briefly about the new study finding that daycare helps kids with depressed moms.  To read more about my thoughts on why this might be the case and how else we can support moms (and all caregivers) with depression please click over to Your Mind. Your Body. This is the blog of the American Psychological Association for which I also write (though not as regularly as I write here).  Let me know your thoughts!

The Glee Project

Have you been watching The Glee Project this summer on Oxygen?  If not, you are missing out!  The premise of the show is that they are looking for a new character for the real Glee.  The format is sort of like American Idol, except the contestants have to sing, dance, and act.  It’s a great fill-in for those of us who are missing new Glee episodes over the summer, and it is also fun to get a peek behind the scenes of how Glee works.

Photo by: The Glee Project on Oxygen

Photo by: The Glee Project on Oxygen

I was particularly impressed with last week’s episode of The Glee Project.  The contestants were challenged to show their vulnerable side.  The directors didn’t just settle for the kids making sad faces, either.  They had the contestants name, then wear in public (in the form of a painted sign on their chest), their biggest vulnerability.  What could have been hokey was actually pretty moving.  But the thing I liked most was painted on the back of their signs: “U R Not Alone.”

Photo by: The Glee Project on Oxygen

Glee is a pretty darn entertaining show, but the good they have done in helping kids and young adults understand that they are not alone in their struggles is inspiring.  I’m so glad that the show is continuing its good work over the summer.  Goodness knows there are kids who need it.

Know someone who needs help now? Check out the Boys Town National Hotline.  Parents and teens (both boys and girls!) can call 1-800-448-3000 to be connected with counselors and other resources.

Depressed Moms, Daycare, and Mom-Bashing.

Have you seen the buzz about the recent study finding that childcare might help protect the kids of depressed moms from later psychological and behavioral problems?  It’s all over the internet, including on blogs like CNN’s The Chart and the American Psychological Association’s Your Mind. Your Body. (disclaimer: that one was written by me).  If you want to read more about the study and its important findings please read the original article in the journal Pediatrics, or one of those blogs.  If you want to read about where one conversation about the study took me, then read on.

A girlfriend and I started out talking about the study, and ended up discussing why moms hate each other.  Oh sure, there are some moms who feel genuine love and support for one another, but there are many out there who really dislike one another, too.  And along with the dislike comes a host of other feelings, including: jealousy, contempt, and resentment.

How could a conversation about depressed moms lead to one about mom-bashing?  Because as soon as I see the word “childcare” – I know there will be a fight coming soon.

Childcare is great!

Childcare is awful!

Childcare is dangerous!

Childcare saved my children!

The comments are endless.  Why do we presume to know how how other moms should raise their children – and worse – actually say it out loud?  If we really cared for the other moms around us, wouldn’t we support them in their decisions, rally around them when they struggled, and hold our tongues when others started to gossip?  I contend that truly supporting moms around us would be another great way to assist the kids of depressed and happy moms alike.

So what can we do to turn this culture of mom-bashing around?  How can we be more supportive of one another?  Stop talking about each other. Quit gossiping, putting down, second guessing, and under-cutting the moms around you.  If you hear others do it, walk away.  If you read a blog post with nasty comments, close the page.  Whatever you have to do to stay positive and supportive of the other moms out there – and yourself in return – it’s worth it.

Want to read more thoughts on how to assist all kinds of moms and caregivers?  Check out my post on Your Mind. Your Body.

I Was Just Diagnosed with Depression (or Anxiety, or ADHD)…Now What?

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When folks first call my office, often one of the first things they often say is something like this:

My doctor just diagnosed me with anxiety (or depression, or ADHD, or fill-in-the-blank) and he told me to call you, but I’m not sure why.

So, what is the next step when a physician tells you you have a mental health diagnosis?

1.  Ask as many questions as you can before you leave the provider’s office.  If you arrive home and realize you didn’t ask enough – or any – questions try calling your doctor back and asking for clarification.  Some of these questions might include: 1) What symptoms do I have that caused you to give me this diagnosis? 2) How do you typically treat people with this illness? 3) Are there other options? 4) Would it be a good idea for me to get a second opinion? 5) Are there any books/blogs/websites you recommend where I can read more about my condition?

2.  Once you get home and feel ready, check out some of the resources your doctor provided.  If they didn’t provide any, try your local library for some books. If that doesn’t appeal to you, try looking at some TRUSTWORTHY health websites.  Some of my favorites include: WebMD, the American Psychological Association, and PsychCentral.   While looking through the resources, some information you might want to look for includes: 1) How does this illness develop? 2) What are the treatment options? 3) What is the typical course of the disorder (does it come and go, get more severe over time, resolve on its own)?  Beware of over-reading though, sometimes too much information (especially from a poor source) can be a bad thing.

3. One of the most important things in recovering from mental illness is sticking to the treatment plan.  Whether your doctor prescribes medication, recommendes therapy, or something else, it’s important to stick to it.  If it doesn’t seem to be working or other issues arise, give you doctor a call back and let her know what is going on.  Some folks find that keeping a log of mood and behaviors helps track the effectiveness of treatment.

4.  Sometimes I hear folks say they feel as if they’ve failed when they realize they’re suffering from a mental health disorder.  While our society has come a long way in accepting mental illness just like any other physical health problem, many of us still hold a stigma against mental illness.  As you are adjusting to your new diagnosis, remember that mental illness is just as real as diabetes, cancer, or strep throat.  Mental illness is not a punishment for past wrongs, or something one should be able to overcome if they were only “stronger” (something I hear a lot).  Mental illness is prevalent (see NIMH statistics for serious mental illness in 2008) and treatment is effective (see APA information about treating anxiety and depression).

 

Preparing Siblings for a New Baby

A few months back I was interviewed for this story in Parenting Magazine.  The article – Preparing for New Siblings – is in the current issue of Parenting Magazine.  You can also find it on-line here:I think the article turned out nicely, but I want to add another tip.  That is: if you want your kids to be cool with a new sibling, be cool yourself.  By that I mean, try to manage your own anxiety/worries/fears in healthy ways so that they don’t rub off on your older kids.  If you are feeling frantic and uneasy about how your kids will get along with the new babe, you can be sure that your older (and younger!) kids will pick up on it.  If you are confident and easy going, your kids will be more likely to adopt that stance too.  Good luck and enjoy your growing family!

Summer Blues

Last week I posted about how to enjoy summer to the fullest.  But this week I have been reminded that summer doesn’t mean happiness and long, carefree days for everyone.  For some, summertime is no picnic at all.  We are all familiar with the “winter blues,” or more seriously, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  SAD is a disorder that affects people’s mood in the fall or wintertime as the number of hours of daylight decreases.  Folks who suffer from SAD report feelings of depression, lack of motivation, and changed sleeping patterns – among other things.  They also report that their symptoms go away in the spring and summer months as the sunshine returns.

But is there such a thing as summertime SAD?  Perhaps not for the same reason (lack of sunshine), but folks can become depressed summer after summer just the same.  Why might someone get depressed in the season we know we are “supposed to be happy”?

  • Health problems. For some people, summertime brings a host of unwelcome health problems.  Think seasonal allergies and aggravated asthma.  Those with fair skin and/or a history of skin cancer might find themselves hiding from the sun – and thus much of the fun – of summer.
  • Change in routine. For seasonal workers or parents with school age children, summertime can bring a change in schedule that is not always welcomed or easy.  While we see families in movies having memorable summer vacations and trips to the local pool, for those who are unemployed, working extra-long hours, or are at home with challenging children, these images can be hard to take.
  • Painful memories. Not everyone has wonderful summer memories in which to indulge while sipping ice tea on the front porch.  For some, summer may bring up memories of a death of a loved one, a painful divorce, or an unexpected layoff.

These are just a few of the many possible reasons summertime might not be all fun and games.  Whatever the reason, it is important to recognize that assistance is available for those who suffer from depression, low mood, or “just not feeling right” during this time of year.  Don’t know where to start?  Try the American Psychological Association’s Psychologist Locator, contact your primary care physician for a referral to a mental health professional, or call your insurance company for a list of psychologists in your area.

Photo by: Swissrolli