Author: drstephaniesmith

Life Through the Eyes of a Psychologist

Chronic Economic Stress

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Several years ago when the economy went downhill (yes, an understatement, I know) psychologists like me were getting lots of questions about how to cope with the stress.  I was interviewed by the Wall Street Journal, National Public Radio, and the Philadelphia Inquirer – and every reporter had the same basic question: “How do we cope with financial strain and keep our mental health at the same time?”  Some of the tips I often gave were things like:

  • Turn off the TV/radio/computer so as not to be bombarded by the bad news
  • Take action by making small changes in your financial life
  • Don’t forget to keep up the healthy stress management strategies you already have in place (i.e., walking, talking with friends, going to church)

But here we are 3+ years down the road and things don’t seem to have gotten much better.  Sure the market may be up and interest rates may be down, but I still hear stories of layoffs, prolonged unemployment, and perpetual under-employment.  I’m not sure what the exact definition of “chronic” is when it comes to stress, but I am certain we are there.  The financial stressors we are facing have gone from acute to chronic – the difference may seem like semantics, but really it’s a whole different ballgame.

What makes chronic stress different than acute stress, particularly in regards to our economic lives?

Emotional health.  Most of us have the emotional and psychological resources to cope with stress on a short term basis (meaning several weeks to several months).  Prior to the onset of the acute stressor we were probably healthy, rested, and had at least one or two good coping strategies in place.  However, after an extended period of time (3 years, for example)  the chronic exposure to stress starts to take its toll on our emotional health.  What was once a few nights of poor sleep has become insomnia.  We’ve stopped engaging in healthy coping strategies (reading, praying, yoga) and taken on “easier,” less healthy habits (drinking too much, eating too little, watching more pornography).   Psychological health is a high maintenance thing – when we don’t care for it, it can deteriorate pretty quickly.  Increased anxiety, worsening mood, irritability – these can all be signs that our mental health is being negatively affected by chronic stress.

Physical health.  Did you know that chronic stress affects every system of the body?  Stomachaches, headaches, muscular pain, cardiovascular disease – chronic stress can play a part in all of these conditions.  Still not convinced?  Take a look at the American Psychological Association’s super cool mind/body health interactive tool and see for yourself just how destructive chronic stress can be.

Hopelessness/helplessness.  Researchers know that one of the most psychologically-damaging emotional states is when one feels hopeless and/or helpless about their situation in life.  It is no good when we feel as if we have no agency – or say – in our lives.  Unfortunately, that is exactly the feeling that this “financial downturn” has produced in many of us.  It’s not infrequent for me to hear people saying things like: “But I saved, and went to school, and spent money responsibly – how can it be that I am still broke and unemployed when I did all the right things?” or “It doesn’t seem to matter what I do or try, I can’t catch a break financially.”  I think it’s pretty obvious to see how this sort of thinking can be a precursor to depression.

A little bit of stress is OK, 3+ years of daily worry about money and employment can take its toll.  Check in tomorrow for some tips of how to manage chronic financial stress.

Pre-Holiday Blues

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Image by Poco de Mucho

Some of us love and look forward to the holiday season.  Others of us dread it.  But did you know that the holiday blues can start as early as September and October?  I see it all the time in my office: the leaves start to fly and moods go down.  As the holidays are still a ways off, it can take some detective work to realize that the low mood (or increased anxiety, tearfulness, or worry) is due to the change of season and impending holidays.

Folks dread the holidays for lots of reasons: past (and/or current) family drama, financial problems, marital strain, grief, absence of family and friends, spiritual ambiguity.  There are many reasons for the holiday blues – and it seems that more and more people experience them each year.  So, what to do if your autumn is being gobbled up by the dread of the upcoming months?

Live in the moment.  When you notice yourself thinking and worrying about November and December, take a few deep breaths and focus on the present.  I know, this is much easier said than done, but it is still worth a try.  If it means avoiding Costco and the mall with all their holiday decorations, so be it.

Throw a wrench in the works.  Do you hate going to your in-laws every year for Thanksgiving?  Now’s the time to discuss alternative plans for the holiday with your partner.  Who says you can’t go camping over the holiday and celebrate with franks, beans, and s’mores?  Overwhelmed at the thought of spending too much money for Christmas presents?  Now’s the time to talk to your family about foregoing presents for the year, exchanging only small items, or doing one secret Santa gift instead of buying for everyone.

Find a new meaning.  Some folks find great meaning in the pilgrims’ stories in New England and the birth of Jesus.  Others not so much.  If the traditional stories don’t resonate with you, try figuring out something that does – outrageous overeating, mass consumption, the need for Martha Stewart-like perfection, and adding to your credit card debt don’t count.  Is this a good time of year to volunteer at your kids’ school?  A local shelter?  Donate blood?  Is it a time to focus on family and friends?  Time to learn a new skill or try something new?  Whatever it is, make it mean something.

Need some other ideas for warding off the holiday blues?  Check out my post: Sex, Costumes, and Rock Band: The Ingredients for a Stress-Free Holiday over at APA’s Your Mind. Your Body.

 

Number 1 Parenting Technique of All Time…

Photo by: Nina Turns 40

These last few days I have been thinking about parenting strategies.  It’s something I think a lot about in my own life, talk a lot about with my clients, and am asked a lot about by reporters.  I have written before about my thoughts on parenting books – namely they can be overwhelming and confusing if not used properly.  Not to say that parenting education and exposure to different techniques isn’t important – it certainly is!  Sometimes it’s just too much for my brain to comprehend and implement at home.  Maybe no other parents feel that way, but for the moment I am just going to assume that I am not alone.

So today I am going to add my (hopefully) simple, #1 strategy for raising healthy families:  be a genuine, honest, and present parent.  This is what I mean:

Apologize to your child when it’s appropriate. “Julie, I’m sorry I was short with you this morning. I didn’t sleep well and was kind of grumpy. It’s no reason to treat you poorly, though, so I apologize.”  Why is this important?  It teaches our kids to be humble and apologize themselves.

Pay attention when your kids are around.  None of us can be tuned into our kids at every moment.  We have to work, take care of our other kids, do the laundry, and feed the family too.  But when you are able, really focus on them.  Put the Blackberry down, turn off the TV, drive with the radio off – whatever you ha

Talk about your own emotions.  I am not a fan of being our kids’ best friends, and don’t recommend using your child as a support system or counselor.  However, it can be useful to be honest with your kids (in a developmentally appropriate way) about your own mental health.  Here’s an example of something I said recently to my 7 year old.  “You know what, I am feeling pretty overwhelmed by all of the things I am having to clean up around the house.  I have noticed that many of the items I pick up are yours.  Can you help me come up with a solution to these feelings I am having?”  Why is this important?  It’s crucial that we model communicating about our emotions to kids.  It’s also a good idea to show them that it’s OK to ask for help solving tough problems.  Wouldn’t it be great if the above conversation led my daughter to eventually say something like: “Mom, I’m feeling overwhelmed at school because all the kids are talking about drinking beer and I don’t want to.  Can you help me come up with a solution?”  That would be parenting gold.

So, for this week at least, that’s my #1 parenting technique.  It may be something different next week, but being a more genuine, honest, and present parent is probably something we can all work on.

Profanity in the Media Can Lead to Profanity in Real Life

Did you the recent study finding that teens’ exposure to profanity on television can lead to increased profanity use in their own lives?  The study also found the same correlation with aggression, both physical (hitting, kicking) and relational (gossiping).  The study was published in the journal Pediatrics.

The Chart, one of my favorite medical blogs also wrote a piece about the article, in which they interviewed one of the authors, Dr. Sarah Coyne.  She concluded that in light of this study, parents need to be “a little bit more aware” of what their kids are watching.

To this I just have to say: “duh.”  Sorry for the not-so-scientific and not-particularly-professional word, but come on!  Of course parents need to be super vigilant about what kinds of media their kids are consuming.  And while I am appreciative of the study and its findings, did any of us really doubt that what children (and adults for that matter) watch affects their behavior?

I have written before about the difficulty I have had in finding appropriate things for my children to watch.  There seem to be fewer and fewer programs that are free of the things I don’t want (profanity, violence, sarcasm, entitlement, rudeness, disrespect) and full of the things I do want (humor, positive relationships, strong characters) and are at the same time entertaining.

Since my last post on the topic I have heard from several folks with suggestions on fun, entertaining programming that can be shared with the entire family.  Some ideas (thanks readers!):

American Idol

Family Ties

Family Matters

Growing Pains

“Vintage” cartoons (Scooby-Doo, Jetsons, Flintstones, Smurfs, Looney Tunes)

Supernanny

Sporting events (football, baseball, etc)

Wild Kingdom (or other shows about animals and nature)

Want some more ideas? Head over to Common Sense Media for tips and ratings on all sorts of media outlets and how to incorporate them into your family’s life in healthy ways.

Communicating with Your Child’s Teachers

Today’s post is written by Bonnie Leaf, MA.  Ms. Leaf is a special education teacher and owner of Access to Achieve an education services consulting firm outside of Denver, CO.  Ms. Leaf’s post is part of this week’s series on student information systems.

As a parent and educator, I have a unique perspective on Infinite Campus and how it can be used to its fullest potential.  Here’s the tough part: Infinite Campus (IC) does not come with a user’s manual.  It is up to parents to learn how to use it as a tool to keep as up-to-date as possible with how their child is doing in school.  Here are some basics and strategies I have learned over the years:

Have a user name and password.  By October, most schools have helped parents set up their username and password, and have showed them how to access IC.  If you haven’t done this, contact your child’s school and set up your account.  By the way, your child should have their own username and password to access the system, too.

Image by Thisischris.com

Check IC weekly.  Teachers typically ask that parents set a routine for checking grades about once weekly with their child.  Since your child knows the most up-to-date information, it is best to review grades with him or her so that you get the correct information.  There is usually a story to be told within a weekly grade report and your child can tell that story.  If you want to know how your child is doing aside from a grade, ask questions and don’t jump to conclusions.  Some classes do not lend themselves to entering new grades weekly or bimonthly.  Art, for example, could be based more on long term projects.

Understand how a grade book is divided into different sections and how each section is assigned a weighted percentage of the total grade.   Teachers assign a title and weighted percentage to each section of their grade book.  Summative assessments like projects and tests are usually assigned more weight than classwork and homework.  If your child’s teacher lists homework as part of a grade, know if the grade is for completion only or if it is graded for correctness.  The category and weight of a section tells a story as well.  The value of an assignment, test, quiz, or project lets you know where the emphasis lies.

Know how to read and interpret IC.  Teachers often enter the name of an assignment on the grade book yet leave the grade space blank if that assignment has not been completed or graded.  If an assignment is missing, some teachers will write “M,” “Missing,” “O,” or leave a blank space where the grade should be.  Ask your child and/or teacher for clarification.

Look for patterns.  Assignments, such as current events; or quizzes, such as spelling, can tell a story.  Look beyond the grade to see how your child is preparing for the weekly assignments and quizzes.  Over time, your child should be developing a system  that becomes more efficient as the year progresses.  If your child continues to get the same grade weekly (or they get worse), examine the system with your child and help them tweak it for better results.

Avoiding Schoolwork Battles

Today’s post is written by Dr. Bridget Engel, clinical psychologist in Erie, CO.  Dr. Engel specializes in working with children, families, and couples.  She is also the author of Counselor’s Corner, a mental health blog.  Dr. Engel’s post is part of this week’s series on student information systems.  

Here we are.  We are already a month plus into school.  The new-ness of the school year is starting to wear off and most everyone is settled into the familiarity of fall.  And I have already spoken with parents who’ve had to wage war with their son or daughter about missing assignments and poor grades.  That’s an age old conflict that goes back many generations.  What’s new is that many of these parents now have access to Infinite Campus technology, hosted through their school district, to stay up-to-date and informed about their child’s academic progress.

Image by Thisischris.com

While Infinite Campus and other tech-based information tools are wonderful in allowing parents to stay engaged in their child’s education, many parents I’ve talked to describe emotional arguments with their kids sprinkled with excuses, debates about it’s accuracy, and circular clashes about how recently it’s been updated by various teachers.  So are you ready to reduce the family feud about homework and missing assignments?  Here are some things to think about:

● Infinite Campus is technology, and only that.  It doesn’t replace a relationship built with your child’s teacher.  Your child’s teacher is the one that spends seven hours a day with your son or daughter.

● Your kid may be right.  Academic databases are often incorrect.  Don’t forget that there is an overwhelmed person behind Infinite Campus who is busy teaching your child.  Sometimes they don’t get all the grades entered.  Be careful about wearing your combat gear at the front door waiting for your child to come home, armed only with what you’ve seen on the computer.

● Be careful about becoming dependent on computer-based technology as your academic babysitter.  Whether your child has missing assignments or not, technology does not replace real life skills.  If your child is struggling to get homework completed or turned in, focus instead on teaching your child how to become more organized, self-sufficient, and independent.

● Watch for warning signs that you are power struggling with your kids about school assignments and grades, especially if it is happening frequently.  Do not get lulled into thinking that lecturing your child or monitoring every move from Infinite Campus is helping them.  Lecturing helps parents feel better;  It very rarely creates behavior change in kids.  Challenge yourself to step back and examine your approach, your goals and your values.

● Think about the whole, rather than the parts.  It’s easy to get focused on the small details and converge on every single assignment.  Would you want your boss to examine and challenge you on every single paper that crossed your desk at work?  Few people grow when micro-managed.  Highlight the end product instead.  Your child is an individual and may do things differently than you.  As long as they are learning something throughout the year and earning acceptable grades, perhaps it’s ok to remark about those missing assignments but refrain from waging war at the dinner table because the Huckleberry Finn poem didn’t get turned in.

Managing Your Student’s Information

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Image by ThisisChris.com

Welcome to Student Information Systems Week! This week we are going to be hearing from experts on how to manage your student’s grades through the online programs many schools are now using.  In my neck of the woods, everyone seems to be using Infinite Campus.  Boy do I hear a lot about it in my neighborhood, on the street, and in my office.  Some folks love this technological tool that allows parents and students to view teachers’ grade books in real time.  Others feel that the technology is just another way for “helicopter parents” to keep tabs on their kids.  I’m not sure where I stand at this point in the week, but I do know that I see a lot of conflict between parents and kids around Infinite Campus use.

Do you have an opinion about this technology?  Are there ways to use it well?  Poorly?  I would love to hear your point of view!

Losing Faith in the World? Head to Homecoming

I am a sucker for all things sappy and sentimental.  The annual Homecoming Parade in my little town is just that.  It is the most quintessentially small town, Norman Rockwell-esque event I attend all year – and I just love it.

This year’s parade came at a great time.  It’s been easy to lose a little faith in the world: the world’s economy is a mess, American politics are getting uglier by the day, and our technology driven-celebrity obsessed-super rushed culture can make me want to scream.  But just when I am about to lose faith along come the cheerleaders, football players, and band members of the local high school marching down the street in front of my office.

The teenagers restore my faith in our culture and young people.  I love knowing that parades are still fun to them, crepe-paper floats are still worth building, and the homecoming dance is still something to be looked forward to.  In fact, for all our technological advances, much of high school is still what it has always been: a popularity contest, a time to get excited about first dates and crushes, and a time to show unabashed school spirit – among many other things.

So, if you’re feeling a little jaded this weekend, head to your local high school.  You will be reassured to know that high school is just how you left it.

What could be better than this?

High School Pressure and Glee

Photo by Glee on Fox

Wow.  A lot of potential blog topics were presented on last night’s Glee episode, Asian F.  The one that stuck with me was how they portrayed the pressure the seniors in the New Directions are under.  Pressure to make their mark at school, pressure to find out who they really are, pressure to get accepted into the best college, pressure to pick a career path.  Watching Rachel, Kurt, Finn, and Brittany struggle with these issues brought up memories of my own senior stressors.  Ugh…it wasn’t pretty.

So how can you assist the high schoolers in your life keep things in perspective?

Focus on relationships.  In last night’s episode, Kurt reminded us that it’s not all about accomplishments, but that friendships and treating folks right is important too.  Making and keeping friends, building relationships with mentors, and learning how to successfully interact with others is a crucial part of high school – even though you won’t earn a grade.

There are multiple ways to get there.  Have a child who yearns to be a singer?  Let her know that there are lots of ways to make that happen.  Enrolling in a music conservatory, majoring in music at the local college, or simply singing in the church choir are all ways to incorporate music into her life.  The idea that she HAS to get into one school or program in order to achieve her dreams is a good way to reach stress overload.

Life is long.  Luckily, most of us live fairly long lives.  This means that we have plenty of time to make mistakes, try lots of things, and change our minds a time or two.  Very few 17 year olds know what they want to do with their lives, and that’s OK!  Try to maintain a sense of adventure and openness with your children rather than forcing them to make decisions before it’s developmentally or emotionally appropriate.

Don’t get too attached.  It’s easy as a parent to become attached to ideas our children bring up.  Your son mentions he would like to be a doctor and you assume that will be his reality.  But remember, his job is to change his mind and try out new ideas.  Go with the flow and don’t cling to any idea too hard.  It will drive you both crazy.

Do you know a high school senior frantically trying to bulk up their credentials to get into college?  Know any who are struggling to figure out who they are and what’s important to them?  How do you help them cope?

 

Making Therapy Work for You

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Photo by DaveAustria

Gone are the days when the psychotherapy patient spent hours each week toiling on their therapist’s couch complaining about their mother.  In fact, many of today’s therapists don’t even have a couch in their office (full disclosure: I have two, but I call them “sofas”).  This is just one of the changes that has taken place in the world of mental health over the last few decades.  I was reminded of these (mostly positive) changes while reading this article in the Chicago Tribune.  One of my favorite colleagues, Dr. Nancy Molitor, made several good points in the article, including that today’s therapy relationship tends to be shorter and contain more back-and-forth dialogue between the therapist and the client.

I especially appreciated the last point in the article which noted that some therapy patients want lots of feedback, whereas others want very little.  This got me thinking about a crucial point: there may be a perfect therapist for everyone, but no one therapist can be perfect for each patient.  What I mean is, there are lots of good therapists out there, but different clients have different needs and it can take a bit of time, patience, and work to find the best one for you.  If things aren’t working with your current therapist, let them know – talk about the process and the relationship as Dr. Molitor suggested in the article.  If that doesn’t work, try someone else.

Need more tips on starting and maintaining a successful therapy relationship? Check out some of the articles below:

Making Your First Appointment with a Psychologist

What Kinds of Services a Psychologist Can Provide

What Your Psychologist Really Thinks About You

Is There a Good “Fit” Between You and Your Therapist?

Is It Time to Seek Therapy?