Author: drstephaniesmith

Life Through the Eyes of a Psychologist

Dealing with Negative Co-Workers

1 Comment

Longmont Times-Call February 6, 2012

I was recently interviewed for the above story on dealing with stress and negativity at work.  Who among us hasn’t dealt with these issues at least once?  Especially in this era of mass layoffs, downsizing, and salary reduction, negativity in the workplace can spread like the flu.  If you have a negative (and talkative) office mate, it can feel almost impossible to maintain a positive outlook.

I once worked with a woman who – I kid you not – had absolutely NOTHING positive to say about our workplace.  She was pretty negative about life in general, but in the 6 months I worked with her, I never heard her say anything even remotely positive about our job, co-workers, or employer.  It was a tough few months.  I struggled to stay positive around her, but often felt like a polyanna – I ended up sounding unrealistically hopeful and upbeat.  So how do you stay positive around a negative co-worker without sounding like a phony goody-two-shoes?

  • Minimize your interactions.  You may not be able to control the amount of time you spend with a co-worker in meetings and other work-related activities, but you can curb the amount of time you spend with them on breaks, lunchtime, and after work activities.  If you must, make up excuses (I have to pick up the dry cleaning at lunch today, finish this book for book club, etc)!  The time away will do you good.
  • Establish a no-work zone.  We spend so much of our lives at work, it can be easy to waste many of our non-work hours re-hashing what happened when we were on the clock.  If your workplace is negative or causes stress, stop talking about it when you aren’t there!  This sounds like a no-brainer, but it is harder (and more helpful) than it seems.  Give it a try for a week: Once you get in your car to come home, don’t allow yourself to talk about, email about, text about, Facebook about work until you arrive at the office the next day.
  • Take your breaks.  I love watching shows and movies from pre-technology days, when people actually took their lunch breaks.  Sure, drinking 5 martinis and sleeping with your secretary over the lunch hour (a la Mad Men) might not be the best idea, but getting out of the office and taking a break from the computer is great for your mental health (and your productivity, by the way).

What do you do to stay positive in the face of negativity?

Talking to Your Kids About the School Shooting

I got so teary this morning watching the coverage of the school shooting in Ohio.  Sad for the victims, sad for the survivors, sad for the families, and sad for the gunman and his family.  It is tough to make sense of such violence, and tough too not to fear for the safety of the children in our own lives.  I wonder what it would be like to be a kid watching the news about such events as the shooting in Ohio?  While I felt the shock and grief over the shootings at Columbine High School (not far from where I was in graduate school at the time), I wasn’t a child.  Would my feelings have been different if I had been 8 or 12 or 16, knowing that the place I spent 7 hours each day could come under a similar attack?  Do kids these days (post-Columbine, post-911) feel safe at school like I did decades ago, or is that sort of security a thing of the past?

The American Psychological Association (APA) has posted some great tips on talking to your kids about these sorts of topics.  It can feel intimidating to talk about such things, but it is well worth the effort.  Kids almost always have thoughts about the events going on around them, and frequently have more insight, ideas, and solutions than we might guess.

Here are a few tips offered by APA:

  • Find times when they are most likely to talk: such as when riding in the car, before dinner, or at bedtime.
  • Start the conversation; let them know you are interested in them and how they are coping with the information they are getting.
  • Listen to their thoughts and point of view; don’t interrupt–allow them to express their ideas and understanding before you respond.
  • Express your own opinions and ideas without putting down theirs; acknowledge that it is okay to disagree.
  • Remind them you are there for them to provide safety, comfort and support. Give them a hug.

For the full tip sheet and more ideas about talking to kids in the aftermath of a school shooting, click here.

Stress in the Workplace

1 Comment

The studio at 710KNUS

I was recently interviewed on 710KNUS radio here in Denver for a story on stress in the workplace.  (Listen to the segment, which aired on the Business Uncoventional program on February 19, 2012 here.)

The topic is one with which many of us struggle: the pressure to work harder, longer, and under increasingly negative conditions.  So how does one combat this?  How do we stay positive and healthy in the midst of all the stress?  Below are some of the tips mentioned in the interview.

Keep on keeping on.  Don’t forget to use the good stress management techniques you already have in place!  Resist the urge to skip book club or yoga class when you are stressed. That’s when you need these outlets the most!

Find and be a good role model. Bosses and supervisors can do their employees a huge favor when they model good stress management themselves (by actually taking their lunch break, for example).  Employees can be well-served to find a role model of good stress management.  Have a co-worker or boss who manages their home and work lives in a way you admire?  Ask them out to lunch and get some tips.

Get moving, people!  The American Psychological Association’s recent Stress in America survey revealed that Americans are getting better at managing stress, but we often pick sedentary activities to do so (think reading, praying, watching TV).  While these can be great at helping keep stress levels down, active strategies are even better for our overall health (think walking, swimming, gardening).

Willpower: Is It All It’s Cracked Up to Be?

The American Psychological Association (APA) released a report this week on the science of willpower.  It’s some interesting stuff.  Especially in light of the fact that most of us would say we need more willpower.  Whether it comes to eating right, exercising more, keeping a tighter reign on our finances, cleaning our homes more often, or watching less TV – most of us have at least one area in our lives where more self-control would be welcomed.

Here’s a taste of the press release issued by APA:

In 2011, 27 percent of Stress in America survey respondents reported that lack of willpower was the most significant barrier to change. Yet although many people blame faulty willpower for their imperfect choices, it’s clear they haven’t given up hope. A majority of respondents believe that willpower is something that can be learned. Those respondents are on to something. Recent research suggests some ways in which willpower can in fact be strengthened with practice. On the other hand, many survey participants reported that having more time for themselves would help them overcome their lack of willpower. Yet willpower doesn’t automatically grow when you have extra time on your hands. So how can individuals resist in the face of temptation? In recent years, scientists have made some compelling discoveries about the ways that willpower works. This report will explore our current understanding of self-control.

One of the most helpful things in the report are the tips offered offered for strengthening self control.  In particular, I like the “implementation intention” idea which basically means being prepared for situations that might be tough for you.  If you are pinching pennies, for example: “If I go to the mall and see a sweater I love, then I will take a night to think about it and make sure I really want/need the sweater before I spend my hard earned money on it.”  I love practicing our reactions and behaviors before the tough situations occur – it’s really effective.

 

 

TV: Love to Hate it, Or Hate to Love It?

I like pop culture.  It’s silly, often funny, and almost always a great way for me to escape reality for a while.  When I think of the positives of TV, movies, and other sorts of “screen activities,” I think of stress management (laughter) and the making of fun memories (sitting on the floor of the sold out theater watching Dirty Dancing and wishing I were Baby).  But of course, there are many negatives to screen time too, especially when kids (and adults) spend a large part of their days and nights forgoing other activities (exercise, social interaction) and instead sit glued to a screen.

I was recently interviewed for this article on the website About Kids Health.  The reporter, Jonathan Link, did an outstanding job of highlighting the pitfalls when kids and families spend too much time in front of a screen.  I provided some tips about how to cut back on TV and other screen time, and talked a bit about my own experiences during Screen Free Week a couple of years ago.  Read the complete article here.

The Power of a Single Moment

Image by Pabo76 via Flickr

Did you see Glee this week?  It was the much-anticipated Michael Jackson episode – and it was pretty darn good! The part of the show I’m focusing on is not MJ, however, but a conversation that took place between Kurt and his dad Bert.  Bert is one of my favorite characters because his advice and relationship with his gay son is never what one would expect given his tough, mechanic exterior.  During this episode he brought Kurt the good news that he had been short-listed for admission into his college of choice.  Bert said to his son something like:  “This will be one of the moments that changes the course of your life and you will remember it forever.”

It got me thinking about the power of single moments in life.  Can one moment, one action, one exchange, one event really change the course of our lives?  You bet.  And the cool thing is that these moments often aren’t what we think they might be.  Sure getting married, or divorced, or having a baby, experiencing a death are all life-changing events – but so are “smaller,” seemingly less significant events.

In the spirit of Glee, a single moment that changed my life was when I discovered that I had made it into my high school’s show choir.  Even now, many years later, I see this as a pivotal moment in my life.  It shaped my high school experience, provided me with friends I count among my closest to this day, and – perhaps most importantly – gave me the confidence to do lots of other things in life.

The other cool thing about single moments that change our lives is that they are fun to look back on and reminisce about. It can even be entertaining to play the “what-if” game (i.e., what if I never would have made the choir and gone out for volleyball instead?).

What are some of moments that have changed the course of your life?

Talking with Kids About Trauma

Kids are surrounded by traumatic situations – heck, we all are.  It’s tough to watch the nightly news without hearing about some horrendous murder, or a terrible house fire, or a car accident.  So how do you talk to your kids about these things?  What about when the accident/tragedy/loss hits closer to home? I posted some tips on how to talk to kids about trauma over at Your Mind. Your Body. this week – take a look.

Photo by: mikemcilveen

This Baby is Boring!

2 Comments

Before you start reading this post, I want to make a suggestion: If you are a “baby person” (i.e., you “just can’t get enough of babies,” “could’ve had 10 babies,” “never tire of babies,” then this post is not for you.  In fact, you might want to go ahead and navigate away from this page now…

For the rest of you, this post might be for you.  Sure it’s not a very popular/PC/cool thing to say, but the fact of the matter is, babies are boring, yep B-O-R-I-N-G.  I’ve felt it myself, and I’ve heard others admit it too.  It can be tough to stay excited and engaged around a baby (especially if you are with them for hours on end).  Yea, they’re cute and cuddly, and they are surely a lot of work, but they’re not very stimulating and typically prefer doing lots of nothing – which means you as the caregiver do lots of nothing, too.

So, does it make you a bad parent if you:

1. Think your baby is boring

2. Check the clock every 2 minutes to see how much more time you have to be with your baby alone

3. Wish their infant stage away so that you can just play catch already?

NO! NO! NO! Definitely not!

 

And, does it make you a bad parent if you:

1. Don’t like making baby talk

2. Don’t know how to play with a 3 month old

NO! NO! NO! Definitely not!

Luckily, babies are super forgiving and can be entertained in lots of ways…and they don’t all involve Baby Einstein videos and rattles.  It’s important to talk to our babies and we all know reading to them from a young age is what we are supposed to do.  But no one ever said what the reading material had to be.  So why can’t it be things like US Weekly, The Shabby Chic Home, or Sports Illustrated (just random examples, of course)?  And my idea of quality baby time definitely includes walking the stroller down the street or through the mall so that mom (or dad) can get some exercise.

So, if you’re bored by your baby, know that you’re not alone.  They ARE boring.  But they’re wonderful, too.  And as anyone who has had a baby can tell you, they do grow up and get more interesting and intellectually stimulating – you might even yearn for those baby days when you had nothing but time.  Or maybe not – and that’s OK too.

 

How Do I Know If I Am Stressed?

The American Psychological Association released their annual Stress in America survey today.  Results suggest that we Americans are way too stressed out and that stress is having serious negative consequences.  Chronic, long term stress can affect every system of our bodies: digestive, cardiac, musculoskeletal, and of course brain health can be seriously jeopardized when we are subjected to stress over the long term.  To read more about APA’s Stress in America survey, including how your city rates in terms of stress, click here.

We all know stress is bad, but how do you know if your stress level is too high?  What are the signs and symptoms of stress?  Well, we all experience it differently, and some of the signs of excessive stress may surprise you.  Here are a few to watch out for:

Difficulty concentrating (i.e., trouble focusing on your favorite TV show or book due to worries and stressful thoughts)

Excessive worry (i.e., going overboard in the amount of time you spend worrying about things, assuming the worst about things)

Overeating/undereating (i.e., eating when you’re not hungry, or losing interest in food)

Trouble with sleep (i.e., sleeping too much OR too little)

Trouble managing anger (i.e., losing your cool more quickly than normal)

Irritability (i.e., snapping at your kids or partner more than usual)

Inability to enjoy things you used to (i.e., too stressed out to enjoy weekly manicure)

Isolation (i.e., stop returning friends’ phone calls because you’re “too stressed” or “too busy” to talk)

Other signs of stress can include: difficulty doing just one thing at a time, trouble staying “in the moment,” and an increase of physical ailments (headaches, stomachaches, etc).

 

Role Models for 2012

Good role models are hard to come by.  TV news, print media, and the internet are filled with stories of people making bad decisions, acting selfishly, and treating others poorly.  It can get downright depressing watching all this bad behavior.  It makes me wonder who my kids might look up to as they grow up.  Are there any “good” people out there anymore?

The answer is yes.  There are plenty.  In fact, there are probably many more kind, giving people in the world than there are nasty ones – we just don’t hear about them much.  So I’ve tried to come up with several of my favorite make-me-happy, positive-role-model type folks.  Here are a few:

Ron Weasley.  Ok, so he’s not a “real” person – but a good role model nonetheless.  Sure, his BFF Harry Potter was the easy pick, but Ron’s the one I really like.  He’s less popular than Harry, not as smart, rich, or athletic, but he is a true and constant friend.  He has a sort of stick-to-it-iveness that I admire, and he isn’t above admitting his mistakes.  On top of all that, he gets the girl in the end.

The Cast of Glee.  All my regular readers know that I am a HUGE gleek.  One of the reasons I like the show is its unabashed enthusiasm and happiness.  Could a show choir really be a show choir without those qualities?  Probably not – with all those jazz hands and everything.  Glee has the added benefit of promoting acceptance of differing cultural backgrounds, sexual preference, and physical and cognitive ability.  Keep it up, Glee!

Tim Tebow.  Colorado has pretty much gone crazy for Tim Tebow.  I have to admit that I am on the bandwagon, too.  Now, I don’t know enough about football to be able to analyze Tebow’s quarterbacking skills, but what I do know is that my mother (never previously a football fan), and 2 young daughters (who still have trouble telling football and basketball apart) all have Tebow Fever.  Why?  Because of his positive energy and his refusal to say or do the negative things his colleagues often do.  He’s grateful, humble, a super hard worker, and I once heard him say “golly” in an interview.  Now that’s someone to look up to.

Photo: timtebow.com

Lady Gaga/Taylor Swift.  These two singers are likely not friends, but they embody several things that are important to me in female role models: They are smart, mature, and successful – and they don’t make excuses about it.  If you’ve never seen interviews with Ms. Gaga or Ms. Swift, I highly suggest watching one on YouTube.  While both are in their twenties, they are poised and well-spoken and know exactly what they are doing with their careers.  In addition they are supremely grateful to their fans, and stick up for the underdogs among us.  Sing on, ladies!

Who am I missing? Who are your favorite role models?