Author: drstephaniesmith

Life Through the Eyes of a Psychologist

Do Your Friends Add Up?

Photo by NBC

A friend of mine was recently telling me about a tough time she had been having for the last several months. She told me about her stressors with some health issues, some financial concerns she and her partner were having, and the annoyance she was feeling about her poorly-behaved dog.  After she explained all these ailments, she noted that as bad as those were, her “friends” were even worse.

“You wouldn’t believe how they drain me!” she said.  “I realized that far too many of my friends take and take from me, and I never get anything back!”  She explained that on her journey back towards mental health, she forced herself to take stock of her relationships, assigning each person a point value. Negative values were assigned to those who made her feel bad, unhappy, or poorly about herself.  Positive values were assigned to those who helped her feel more like the person she wanted to be (kind, strong, loving, intelligent).

Now, it may sound a little harsh, scoring your friends on what they add or subtract from your life, but I love her idea.  Too often we hang onto relationships we wish would be better, hope would be closer, or feel desperate to change.  And I’m not just talking about romantic relationships – more often these are friendships with old high school friends, a neighbor, or a parent of a child’s friend.

No relationship is perfect, but one that drains for a long period of time can be downright damaging.  Maybe it’s time to take stock of the people in your life and see how they add up?

Psychology and Reading – Top Picks

I LOVE to read.  In fact, in the past few years it has eclipsed House Hunters as my go-to stress reliever.  I thought I would take this love of books and give you some of my faves.  I’ll start with psychology and mental health oriented picks (smart and professional, huh?) and then give you a couple fun picks.

Top Book for Couples:

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  This is an oldie but goodie and I recommend it all the time.  I even recommend it for single folks because it can help us all learn more about ourselves.  It’s an easy read, totally relate-able, and so old that you can find it at the library or a used book store for super cheap.  Note: bypass the new versions and stick with the original.

Top Books for Parents:

The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness by Edward Hallowell.  I read this book for the first time before I even had kids of my own – I liked it then and now.  Dr. Hallowell’s writing style is honest and straightforward, but he doesn’t talk down to his readers as many parenting book authors do.

Parenting Your Out of Control Child by George Kapalka.  I recently read this book, and while the writing left a bit to be desired, the message was good.  In particular I loved the chapter describing how to set up a system of parenting based on rewards rather than punishments.  I like this strategy of parenting and Dr. Kapalka’s is the best description I’ve seen.

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua.  Ms. Chua has gotten a lot of flack for her parenting style, but I thought the book was superb.  Funny, down-to-earth, and completely unique – it is worth checking out.  Plus, after I reviewed her book on this blog, Ms. Chua wrote to me – how cool is that?!

Top Book for Kids:

Mind Over Basketball by Weierbach and Phillips-Hershey.  I use this book in my practice all the time. It is especially good for boys in elementary school.  Parents can work with their kids chapter by chapter, or it can be used by professionals.  The techniques for cooling down during periods of stress or anger are useful and understandable.

Top Book About Living with Mental Illness:

Monkey Mind: A Memoir of Anxiety by Daniel Smith.  This sort-of-funny-sort-of-disturbing book is certainly entertaining.  Author Smith also writes a blog about his life and anxiety at The Monkey Mind Chronicles if you don’t want to read the whole book.

Top Book You Won’t Be Embarrassed to Read (i.e., more literary):

The Newlyweds by Nell Freudenberger.  This was one of my favorite books this summer.  I love Ms. Freudenberger’s description of her characters (they’re all flawed, just like normal people) and the stories don’t necessarily end happily.  In fact you’re not even sure how (or if) they end at all, which is even better.  Her novel, The Dissident, from a few years ago is good, too.

Top Book You Might be Embarrassed to Read (i.e., more trashy):

Since I can’t recommend The Twilight Saga since Bella has fallen from grace, and since I am still 167th on the waiting list at the library for 50 Shades of Grey, I had to dig back in the archives for this one.  So here it is: The Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris.  Like Twilight for grown-ups this series is kind of silly, totally fantastical, sexy, and has lots of volumes (12 or 13?) – just like I like my trashy reads.  Better yet, TrueBlood is (sort of) based on these novels – but don’t even get me started on that guilty pleasure.

Happy Reading!

 

Summer’s Over – Emotions are Mixed

I guess it depends where you live, but in this neck of the woods summer is over! Kids headed back to school this week and I am seeing (and feeling!) mixed emotions all around me.

Kids are excited to see friends, nervous for new teachers and classes, and dreading homework and morning routines. Parents are filled with similar emotions – dread, relief, and happiness. These feelings (and lots of others) are normal and to be expected.  They may also change rapidly over the next few weeks as we get settled into new routines and say goodbye to summer for good.  Plenty of sleep, healthy foods, and physical activity can ease the transition, as can sharing your feelings.

For more information on dealing with the back to school blues, check out the American Psychological Association’s article here.

 

Depression and Exhaustion

Most of us have had the experience of being worried and not being able to sleep.  3am can be a great hour to worry about money, career, and relationship issues, as well as less weighty topics like what color to paint the powder room.  But did you know that a symptom of depression and anxiety can also be sleepiness, and trouble waking?

While most of us require 7 to 9 hours of sleep every night, those of us struggling with depression or anxiety may crave more.  One of the reasons for this is that emotions take a lot of energy to create and sustain.  Think back to the last time you were nervous or worried.  Did you feel tired after it was over?  What about the last time you were really excited or sad about an event?  Did you need a few hours of extra zzz’s when the event was over?  Now imagine experiencing chronic anxiety or depression, and you can imagine the drain on your energy these states may cause.

So the next time you or a loved one feels more tired than usual, you may want to take stock of your mood, as well as other aspects of your health.  Depression and anxiety can be effectively treated with psychotherapy and sometimes medication.  And a good mood – and good sleep – are all important aspects of overall health.

To read more reasons and side effects of too much sleep, read this WebMD article.

A Picture Perfect Marriage

We can’t all have a wedding like this, but luckily it’s not the flowers or custom made dress that makes a happy marriage
Photo: Summit

Ahhh…wedding season.  It is upon us – and I love it.  I love the flowers, the white dress, the dancing, the cake, the cake, the cake.  But as my colleague Dr. Angela Lodono-McConnell over at Your Mind. Your Body. writes, there is more to a happy marriage than a clever proposal and Pinterest-worthy reception.

After attending many weddings as a guest and a worker (I used to be a waitress at a wedding venue) I can tell you the one ingredient that makes the most picture perfect wedding: a loving, happy couple.  It’s not the food, the open bar, the flowers, or the handmade place cards that ensure your guests have a super time.  It’s the amount of love and fun coming from the couple.

The cool news is, these are also important ingredients in a successful marriage.  A sense of fun, optimistic happiness, and an outpouring of affection (physical, verbal, etc) are key elements to staying married, not just an evening of fun with family and friends.

Taming Tween Tantrums

I was recently asked to be a part of this article on dealing with tantrums in tweenagers over at mom.me.  This was a new site to me, and it seems pretty cool – with lots of good info.  I got to participate in the discussion with one of my favorite psychologists, Dr. David Palmiter whose blog and book (Working Parents, Thriving Families) are some of my favorites. (In fact, if you check out the reviews of the book here, you will see mine in the list!)

Anyway, when Alison Bell contacted me about doing a story on tween tantrums – rather than the typical toddler tantrums – I thought she was brilliant!  So many parents struggle with this issue, and most of us think we are alone.  Clearly, we are not.  Many kids ages 7-12 have tantrums, and the article offers super solutions for parents.  My faves? “Catch Them Early” and “One-on-One Time.”

Thanks for including me, mom.me!

Motherhood: Taking Care of Ourselves So We Can Take Care of Our Kids

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Welcome to Moms’ Month on Dr. Stephanie! This month I will be featuring guest posts from some awesome moms around the country.  They will be sharing tips, tricks, and funny stories about motherhood.  This will be a fun celebration – thanks for joining us!  Today’s author is Katie Dupont.  Welcome, Katie! 

Hi!  I’m Katie Dupont and I am a busy and happy personal trainer in San Antonio, Texas and mother of five; Ivy, 17, Karsten, 8, Kamden, 6, Sophie, 4 and Olivia, 9 months.

When asked what we want most for our kids, inevitably their true happiness in life makes the list.  But how do we teach it?  It seems these days we do so (or think we do so) by over-parenting them to it.  Always putting options before them, giving them seemingly unlimited paths to choose.  Are we really giving them the tools to seek out their own paths?  Are we pursuing happiness for ourselves as an example?

A few years ago, I had one of the hardest easy decisions to make.  I was in an abusive, destructive marriage with a man who craftily kept it from my children’s eyes, but I resigned myself to it because I told myself my kids’ security and happiness were the most important things.  What I was failing to recognize was that the eggshells on which they watched me walk were the antithesis of happiness and security for any of us.  I put on my big girl panties and left after 14 years.  As scary as that was, my children have learned a valuable lesson.  Happiness doesn’t happen to us; we must seek it out for ourselves.  I know now that I’m a more complete person for myself and for them.  Their boat was temporarily rocked but not capsized.  Since then, I met and married the love of my life and we added a final arrow to the quiver.  And when my 8 year old son sees the two of us hug and kiss, something he never saw his dad and I do, his proclamation is always the same….”Another happy ending!” What more could a mother want to hear?

Motherhood and Materialism: Babies R Us Might Have Us All Fooled

Welcome to Moms’ Month on Dr. Stephanie! This month I will be featuring guest posts from some awesome moms around the country.  They will be sharing tips, tricks, and funny stories about motherhood.  This will be a fun celebration – thanks for joining us!  Today’s author is Lori D’Angelo.  Welcome, Lori!

Hi! I’m Lori D’Angelo and I am a fiction writer. I live in Virginia with my husband, son, dogs, and cat. Click here to read one of my recent short stories.

In the months before we had our child, I remember walking into Babies R Us and feeling very, very stressed.  What was all this stuff? And did we need it?  I had been reading parenting mags and baby books and online advice and felt that oh, yes, we did. Could we live without a changing table? Oh no, we could not.

But the problem was I got pregnant in graduate school and was looking for a job. Just paying monthly bills was a struggle. The other problem was that we lived in a house not a mega-mansion.

In the three years since my son was born, I’ve learned that we could live without a lot of that stuff. Due to the generosity of friends and relatives, we did get a lot of that stuff. But some of it we didn’t really need. Some of it, no one really needs. For example, a video baby monitor is really not a necessity. Nor, actually, in the house we live in now, is a baby monitor at all because our son’s room is right across from the master bedroom. So, if he cries, we hear him. Many things, like a crib mobile, are only going to be able to keep up for a short time. So, it’s okay if you don’t actually put one up at all.

Some things about our society, the ease of getting information quickly or the availability of a million latte flavors, are really great—especially on a day when you didn’t get much sleep. But some things really are a money drain. Just because something’s available to us doesn’t mean we have to have it. The joy, the pure joy of a hug from your child, is not at all dependent on whether or not he has a matching crib set.  So don’t let yourself get caught up in the designer parent rat race. You can be a good parent—regardless of whether you have a top of the line stroller and a $300 diaper bag.