A Psychologist’s Take on Leaning In

Screen shot 2013-04-25 at 4.24.13 PM

I’m going to do it: I’m going to join the throng and add my two cents about the much-talked-about the book Lean In.  First a little back story:

Sheryl Sandberg is the COO of Facebook.  She is extraordinarily successful on many fronts: financially, professionally, socially, and it seems from her book that she also has a happy, loving family (she is married and has two youngish kids).  Ms. Sandberg decided to write this book after giving a series of talks  about why women haven’t achieved more in the highest levels of business and government.  Take a look at her TED talk.

It seems like she was hoping this book would allow her a platform to flush out her ideas about “women, work, and the will to lead” more thoroughly.  Some are calling this book a new “feminist manifesto,” a modern day Vindication of the Rights of Women (I love that book!) or the Feminine Mystique (I like that one, too).

Here’s the thing: a beautifully written call to arms to American women this book is not.  It’s not a highly-intellectualized, academic work about the role of women either.  In fact, it is a super-readable, totally understandable book that outlines, chapter by chapter, the things that women (and men) do to keep true equality in the workplace from being realized.  More specifically, why women aren’t “sitting at the table” in more board rooms and places of real power.

There were a few things I loved about this book:

  • I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  For the few days I was reading this book I found myself thinking about it while I was reading it, in the morning when I woke up, and while I was eating my sandwich at lunch.  It wasn’t that I was eager to get back to reading it, it’s just that it really made me think.  Unfortunately I was never really able to articulate what it was making me think about, or what I really thought about her message.  It is a rare thing for me to be tongue-tied, but this book left me just that.  What does that mean exactly? I’m not sure, but I do know that if people are talking/thinking about your work you must be doing something right.
  • Her passion.  Ms. Sandberg clearly has a passion for women and leadership.  Her energy and dedication to her own professional achievement, and now the achievement of other women is impressive.  While I’m not convinced that her book will spark another wave of feminism, I think hers is an important voice in our culture right now.  I am hopeful that young women will read her book and consider her ideas.
  • Her sound bites.  Ms. Sandberg offers up a few motivational passages that reportedly hang on the office walls of Facebook.  My favorite: Done is better than perfect.  So many of us get hung up on perfection (which of course is elusive) that we don’t get much done.  Ms. Sandberg is clearly someone who gets LOTS done, and it’s nice to know that she doesn’t expect perfection.
  • Her honesty.  While reading the first two-thirds of the book, I kept wondering when she was going to talk about dealing with other women.  Meaning: the moms in the school drop-off line who think she is a b*$#ch and a terrible mom.  I can hear the parking lot posse now: “She’s never home!” “She’s so full of herself” and “Why did she even bother to have kids if she’s not going to be the one to raise them?”  Finally, on page 167 she writes about this issue:

Stay-at-home mothers can make me feel guilty and, at times, intimidate me.  There are moments when I feel like they are judging me, and I imagine there are moments when they feel like I am judging them.  But when I push past my own feelings of guilt and insecurity, I feel grateful.  These parents – mostly mothers – constitute a large amount of the talent that helps sustain our schools, nonprofits, and communities.

There was something I didn’t love about this book, too:

  • It made me tired.  This just about sums up my feeling about the book as a whole.  The entire time I was reading it I felt tired and like a huge slacker.  Ms. Sandberg has clearly accomplished a lot professionally, and has done so through hard work and long hours.  She wants to see other women do this too.  She wants us “sitting at the table” and participating more equally at the highest levels of business and government.  I whole-heartedly agree.  The only problem was that I was so worn out just by reading her book, I was left with zero energy to change the world into a better place.  I am pretty sure that Ms. Sandberg wouldn’t accept tiredness as an excuse for not “leaning in” to my career, or not helping other women do so; unfortunately it’s all I’ve got.

When I asked a colleague whether she had read “Lean In,” she replied no, that she needed to do more “leaning out” in her life.  I didn’t ask her what she meant because I think I already know.  So many of us women (and men, to be fair) are so busy working, caring for children and parents, volunteering, exercising, paying bills, and squeezing in a few hours sleep that changing the gender dynamics around us just falls off the to-do list.

As I was really starting to feel lousy about how little I do in comparison to Ms. Sandberg in the fight for gender equality, I received this email from her “team” in response to an interview request I sent:

Screen shot 2013-04-25 at 4.20.08 PM

Looks like Ms. Sandberg does a little leaning out, too.

 

 

To read more about Lean In, Ms. Sandberg’s non-profit dedicated to supporting women click here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being a Mom Has Taught Me How to Do My Job

(photo caption) Me with my 2 girls, mother, and grandmother on Mother’s day 2012.

Welcome to Moms’ Month on Dr. Stephanie! This month I will be featuring guest posts from some awesome moms around the country.  They will be sharing tips, tricks, and funny stories about motherhood.  This will be a fun celebration – thanks for joining us!  Today’s author is Dr. Kaycie Rosen Grigel.  Welcome, Kaycie!

Me with my 2 girls, mother, and grandmother on Mother’s day 2012

My name is Kaycie Rosen Grigel, ND, and I am the mother of two girls ages 2 and 3.  I live, work, play, and garden in Golden Colorado, and own the Golden Naturopathic Clinic,LLC. For my career I chose to be a Naturopathic Doctor; we are primary care doctors who focus on addressing the underlying factors of disease and using the least invasive therapies possible to correct any imbalances in the body.  I also co-author a blog called Health From the Hearth which focuses on helping families learn to eat well to support their body’s health needs in each season of the year.

What I have learned from being a mom is that each of us as mothers are true doctors to our children.  In my practice, I listen to each patient, get to know them, then set out a plan for helping them understand how to care for themselves so they can feel their best.  This includes helping them learn how to eat properly, sleep well, exercise, feel good about their relationships, and take medications when appropriate.  In Naturopathic Medicine, one of our fundamental principles of practice is the latin word Docere–this defines doctors as teachers.  Similarly, as mothers our job is to nurture our children in a way that ultimately helps them learn to care for themselves and thrive as independent beings.

Beyond the theoretical similarities between my work and mothering, being a mom has deepened my skills as a doctor in a very tangible way.  For my pediatric patients, I better understand the subtleties of what they may be experiencing, what treatments work best for different situations, and even what they will be willing and able to take.  Similarly, for my adult patients, I better understand the time and energy constraints that contribute to habits that are detrimental to health.  This includes things like forgetting to eat until dinner, not getting enough exercise, or not sleeping through the night for four years running.  In my office, people have the opportunity to examine the template of how their life is laid out and make changes that ultimately will improve their health.  As a mother, I get to facilitate that process and help my children make the same types of good choices every day.