Tag: erie child psychologist

Rules Without Relationship Leads to Rebellion in Teens

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Welcome to Moms’ Month on Dr. Stephanie! This month I will be featuring guest posts from some awesome moms around the country.  They will be sharing tips, tricks, and funny stories about motherhood.  This will be a fun celebration – thanks for joining us!  Today’s author is Melony Bishop.  Welcome, Melony!

Melony Bishop
“temporarily retired” Occupational Therapist
Stay-at-home mom to Savannah – 16, Tyler – 10, Haley – 8, and Lexi – 5
Long Valley, NJ

As a mom, I’m a firm believer that “rules without relationship = rebellion”.
When I became a mom, my husband and I vowed that our relationships with our kids would remain paramount no matter what!  I hope and pray that as my kids continue to mature, that I will be able to keep that promise.
Something I’ve learned recently is the reality that my kids need to be able to trust my responses to them.  I have always thought that trust was kind of a one-way street between parents and kids…… parents needed to be able to trust their kids, not the other way around.  What I have come to learn is that my kids need to be able to trust ME!  They need to be able to trust that I will respect them, to trust that they can confide in me, to trust that I will not overreact to various situations, to trust that my love is unconditional, to trust that my yes means yes and my no means no, to trust that I will keep my word, to trust that I have their best interest in mind no matter what.

Don’t get me wrong, I do not consider my children equals to me, nor do I consider myself their “friend” before being their parent…… BUT my relationship with them needs to be a trustworthy one if I am to expect the highest level of fruit to be beared.
Kids are up against a lot of obstacles these days….. just as we were when we were young.  I want my kids to trust that they can come to me with anything!  In order for this to happen, I am finding that I must be diligent in my day-to-day responses to them so that I can remain a character in their lives that they can trust with all the nitty gritty of life.  The old adage, “don’t cry over split milk” applies here.  As a fairly reactionary type of person, I am likely to squeal and possibly rant and huff over an overturned glass at the dinner table……. to what result though?  I must purpose to keep control over my responses and reactions in all the dailies of life if I’m going to lay a solid foundation on which my kids can firmly plant their feet, in order to be sure that they’ll bring me the bigger “spills” in life as they grow up.

 

Do You Compare Yourself to Other Women?

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Welcome to Moms’ Month on Dr. Stephanie! This month I will be featuring guest posts from some awesome moms around the country.  They will be sharing tips, tricks, and funny stories about motherhood.  This will be a fun celebration – thanks for joining us!  Today’s author is Jenni Lillie.  Welcome, Jenni!

I’m a wife of a fun and energetic husband. I’m a mom of 4. 2 of those children I’ve had the privilege of holding and watch grow. My passion is photography and I love that I get to do it professionally. I love a good party, but need to refuel by being alone. I’m a great sleeper when I get the chance. I think I could win prizes if there were contests. I love it when I’m organized, but that feels like a challenge to get to that place. I love living in Colorado and seeing the mountains and beautiful sunsets from our windows.

I’ve been pondering this phrase for a week or so…there is no win in comparison. The past couple of weeks I’ve listened to a few talks by a man named Andy Stanley about comparison. They have really stretched me to look at some areas of my life where I compare myself to others. Motherhood and my business are areas where it is tempting for me to compare myself. I sometimes feel envious of other moms and fear I’m screwing up my kids. My husband and I joke that we need to start a counseling fund alongside the college fund.

Being a mom is one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced. I fight the feelings of failure and discouragement in my mothering everyday.  Anybody else? Maybe it’s just me. I desire to be a mom who lovingly parents out of who I am and who my kids are. I feel icky when I jump in the comparison pool. I want to be a woman who encourages the kids and moms around me, and not makes comparisons. I also desire to look at the children and moms around me and celebrate their uniqueness and differences. I really want to grow in this. Anybody else?

Motherhood = Laughter

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Welcome to Moms’ Month on Dr. Stephanie! This month I will be featuring guest posts from some awesome moms around the country.  They will be sharing tips, tricks, and funny stories about motherhood.  This will be a fun celebration – thanks for joining us!  Today’s author is Amy Greenamyer, PhD.  Welcome, Dr. Greenamyer!

I’m a wife and mother of two who works as a psychologist in Louisville, KY. I specialize in infertility and pregnancy related adjustment, along with other women’s issues. I love napping, running, reading and snuggling with my family and the dog on a lazy Saturday morning.

Much of motherhood to me is about laughter– Laughter through tears, laughter that makes your sides hurt, laughter that you must stifle while hiding behind a magazine.

I have two kids, both of whom were born 10 weeks early. We have a combined 3 months experience with the NICU. Half-way into my son’s stay it was

Quinn at 6 weeks holding a mini-beanie baby

Sydney - ready for the grocery store!

Halloween time. Turns out that Build-A-Bear clothes fit preemies perfectly, and the company gives gift certificates to the NICU so parents can come pick a costume. Though tearful that we couldn’t trick-or-treat like a “normal” family, it was delightful to see these tiny babies dressed as turkeys, Santas and in Hawaiian garb.

My kids are healthy, happy typical 3 and 6 year olds now and bottomless pits of goofiness. Yesterday I actually had a debate with my son that he couldn’t use his ukulele as a pogo stick. They have picked up on my husband’s frustration while driving as noted by my son yelling “you dumb broad!” to a car who cut me off. It was all I could do to discipline him thru my inner laughter. My daughter dresses herself in the most unusual combinations of clothes and is proud to be unique.

Parenting is hard. I frankly don’t like the chronic nature of motherhood. There aren’t any vacations from the constant worry about their well-being. However, the absolute hilarity of what comes out of their mouths at any given time makes it all worth it for me.  Take time to laugh with (and at) your kids. The endorphins released while laughing is good for you and it teaches your kids not to take life so seriously.

Quinn asking: "What has my sister put on me now?"

Sacrifice, Tough Love, and Fun – All a Part of Motherhood

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Welcome to Moms’ Month on Dr. Stephanie! This month I will be featuring guest posts from some awesome moms around the country.  They will be sharing tips, tricks, and funny stories about motherhood.  This will be a fun celebration – thanks for joining us!  Today’s author is Janice Beck.  Welcome, Janice!

I have been blessed to be an Early Childhood Educator and Director for 20 years (10 in public Kindergartens and 10 in my Church Preschool),
a wife of a thoughtful and Christian husband, and a mother of two. I was also blessed to be able to be a “stay-at-home” mom when my 2 sons (now 27 and 29) were in school,
but I did not stay-at-home very much, as I volunteered a lot in my church and in my sons’ classrooms teaching Art in the School and serving on School Parent Boards.

When my husband and I raised (and we continue to “raise” them with advise)
our two sons, now 27 and 29, we tried to be on the same page and use these:
5 Principles for Parenthood
1. Train your children up in faith, in “giving back” and in God’s Love.
2. Have fun with your children.  Enjoy every minute of parenthood–the good, the bad
and the ugly
3.  Be consistent in love and discipline.  Don’t be afraid to use “tough” love.  Believe
it or not, children want to be fairly disciplined.
4.  Have children take responsibility for their actions, as early as possible.
5.  Be a good role model and mentor for your children and spend some time taking care
of your needs. But remember, sacrificing for your children is part of loving them.

Solving Your Kids’ Problems? Not a Great Idea.

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Welcome to Moms’ Month on Dr. Stephanie! This month I will be featuring guest posts from some awesome moms around the country.  They will be sharing tips, tricks, and funny stories about motherhood.  This will be a fun celebration – thanks for joining us!  Today’s author is Caroline Moore.

I am the mother of two daughters who are 10 years apart so in essence I had 2 “only” children.  I am an Occupational Therapist and have always worked part-time until my very recent retirement.  Although working part-time, I often felt I didn’t do the best job at either being a mother or a therapist, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.  I feel very fortunate that both my daughters live nearby and they and my 3 adorable grandchildren are a very important part of my life.

I really feel that my life began when I became a mother 37 years ago.  It has given me the most profound joys as well as the deepest pain but has made my life so full and rewarding.

The one tip I would pass on to others is that when your child faces tough times (in childhood, teenage years, adulthood), it’s best to communicate your love, support, and encouragement in various ways, even though it would be easier to stay away, take on the problem yourself, lecture, cry, or blame others.  Communication can be as simple as a hug, pat on the shoulder, supportive phone message, invitation to take a walk, or a shopping outing, or even just sit next to your struggling child.  Just knowing you are there in support of your child can help. You can’t  and shouldn’t solve your child’s problems but you can give them the strength they need to face the issues themselves.

The Smells of Motherhood

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Welcome to Moms’ Month on Dr. Stephanie! This month I will be featuring guest posts from some awesome moms around the country.  They will be sharing tips, tricks, and funny stories about motherhood.  This will be a fun celebration – thanks for joining us!  Today’s author is Jeannie Hulse.

Hi I’m Jeannie Hulse, State Farm insurance agent in Erie, CO. I’m married to my best friend, Robert, and we have one son, Brian, who is 23 and serves in the military.

Jeannie's son Brian. Serviceman and light of her life!

Having grown up with brothers (three of them), I was quite prepared to raise a son (dirty hands, lots of cars and smelly sports equipment, etc).  What blew me away was and is the unconditional love I have for him.  I, like many mom’s,  had to juggle having a full time job, being a wife and mom and add being the only parent during the week  (my husband drove a truck over the road for the first 5 years of our son’s life).  My favorite memory of being a mom is the smells (baby powder to smelly hockey skates) and bedtime…we’d snuggle together and read books and talk about our day.  Those special times made every struggle and/or sacrifice worth every minute.

A Month of Moms

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Welcome to Moms’ Month on Dr. Stephanie! This month I will be featuring guest posts from some awesome moms around the country.  They will be sharing tips, tricks, and funny stories about motherhood.  This will be a fun celebration – thanks for joining us!

I am kicking off Moms’ Month with my own tip for moms of young kids.  In addition to being a clinical psychologist in Colorado, I am also a mom of three kiddos.  A most humbling, challenging, and agonizing experience, becoming a mom has also been the most fun journey of my life.  Here goes:

No generation of moms is perfect.  We all love our kids, but we all make mistakes.  Some of the mistakes, we KNOW are mistakes at the time.  For example, when I recently told my daughter that I didn’t care if she ever did homework, I pretty much knew it was a mistake as soon as it came out of my mouth.  Other mistakes take years, or even decades to recognize.  I’m thinking of Mad Men-era moms who drank and smoked while pregnant, and 70’s moms who drove their kids around untethered in the backs of their station wagons.  These moms loved their kids just as we do, but just didn’t have the same information we have today.

So, what will our generation’s big mistake be?  Here’s my best guess: our incessant cell phone, laptop, and i-pad use.  Not so much the overuse of these gadgets, but the way many of us use them when we really should be paying attention to our kids.  For example, at the dinner table, when we pick them up from school, during school performances, during bedtimes, etc.  It’s alarming that many of us (me included) put off or outright ignore our kids so that we can catch up on Facebook.  This is a great way to ensure that our kids will be complaining to a psychologist in a couple of decades that they were never heard, not appreciated, and thus don’t know how to really love.  Ok, I’m exaggerating – but it’s a possibility for sure.

So my advice to moms is this: Put the electronics down and listen, play with, and engage with your kids.  Days might go by slowly, but years go by fast, and pretty soon the kids will be off doing their own thing, and we will pine for the days they couldn’t wait to share the intricacies of their days.  Facebook can wait, and so can email.  Our kids can’t.

Should I Take My Child to a Psychologist?

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Making the decision to take our kids to see a psychologist can feel huge.  And it is.  Particularly because we are usually making that decision in times of stress, worry, and frustration.  Very few people sign up for therapy when life is going well.

So, how does a parent know when a trip to a psychologist is warranted?

They ask.  Believe it or not, therapy and mental health has become such a part of popular culture, that kids often ask their parents if they can see a psychologist, counselor, or “go talk to someone.”  If your kids are asking, it’s probably a good idea to oblige.

Their behavior has changed.  All kids change, grow, and go through different phases as they age.  But if you notice particularly concerning or abrupt changes in your child’s behavior or emotions, it’s probably a good idea to get it checked out.  Some examples might include: increasing isolation, significant irritability, tearfulness, lack of interest in previously enjoyable activities, prolonged trouble with friends, sudden refusal to go to school, marked change in grades, or change in ability to get along with you and/or siblings.

There are more bad days than good ones.  Family strife can creep up on us.  Sometimes we don’t notice how much of a struggle togetherness and getting along has become.  But if you stop and think about it, and then realize there are more fights and angry exchanges going on than you would like, it might be time to get some assistance.

Your gut tells you to.  Mother’s (and father’s) intuition is usually right.  We are pretty good at paying attention to it when we have newborns, but sometimes lose track of it as our kids age and become more complicated.  So, it you’ve been thinking about giving therapy a try, it’s probably a good idea.

Some things to keep in mind about therapy:

  • It doesn’t mean you are weak or a bad parent.  In fact, it can mean the opposite – that you are aware, engaged, and taking an active role in your child’s life.
  • It doesn’t have to last forever.  In fact, many folks attend just a few sessions of therapy before noticing significant improvement in family life.
  • It doesn’t mean your child will be “labeled.”  Because of confidentiality laws, psychologists cannot disclose what is discussed during appointments, or even if you attended one at all (with a few exceptions).

 

Psychology, Self Esteem, and Photoshop

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Photo via People Magazine

Do you recognize this celebrity?  I didn’t, even though she’s one of my favorites.  Believe it or not, it’s Taylor Swift.  She’s not retouched in this photo, and is sans makeup as well.  Still cute as a button, but certainly not the image we’re used to seeing.

Every few months a new story pops up about the absurdly doctored photographs of celebs and models that show up in magazines and on-line.  For some reason this article on Shine really caught my attention.  The images of Princess Kate and Britney Spears are particularly ridiculous.

It’s important we, as adults, see these photos.  But it’s perhaps even more important that we show them to the young girls in our lives.  Super thin arms, legs, and torsos balancing buoyant breasts and bums just isn’t natural – or biologically possible – for anyone but Barbie.  And even though we might “know” this intellectually, it is helpful to have a reminder every once in a while that even the most glamorous, sexy women have cellulite and blemished skin.

Appreciating what we have, downplaying what we don’t, and working towards achievable goals are all important aspects of mental health.  By understanding that many media photos are simply fantastical images born on the screen of a Photoshop-wielding graphic design intern, we can all feel a little more confident in our own skin.